Published January 16, 2014
The first light of dawn shines bright and true.
I rise for the day without you.
But by the light cast by the sun,
I am reminded that you’re still The One.
The first thing I see is my turtle dove
Reminding me of our endless love.
I laugh and smile and act the part,
But inside I hide my broken heart.
My pain increases more and more
Because my love is away on a distant shore.
With wings of white and feathers like snow,
My turtle dove takes away my woe.
The day ticks by and still no one knows
That inside I am broken and my agony grows.
I cover my pain; I hide it well.
Nobody knows I’m living in Hell.
I look to my turtle dove to take me away.
I look to my turtle dove to get through the day.
When the day finally ends I let down my walls.
My mask of joy suddenly falls.
I’m weary and worn from my day of deceit.
I head to my room in utter defeat.
Only my turtle dove keeps me strong
And helps me cope with the days so long.
After my prayers, when I lay down to sleep,
I cannot help but silently weep.
There is but one thing that can comfort me,
And before I sleep it’s the last thing I see.
The last thing I see before I dream
Is my turtle dove’s pale, porcelain gleam.
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139,790 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
This is great! Your use of a turtle dove as symbolism for this long distance love is not only brilliant and beautiful, but also very sad in a way. You use some really good descriptions that bring the emotions of the writer out, and make it clear that they are very much in love, but it's not something that's working out.
"Because my love is away on a distant shore.
With wings of white and feathers like snow,
My turtle dove takes away my woe."
Favorite part.
The rhythm of the poem is nice, consistent and flowing, and the length of your lines fit in with the beat. All in all, a great piece of work.
Thank you 0o0Redrum0o0
This was beautiful and powerful, and nearly flawless! I love that your poem's rhyme and rhythm schemes were perfectly consistent. It is a truthful poem that many people can relate to, with some nice symbolism there to boot. My ONLY tiny discrepancy (meaning the only thing I could find to complain about) was that the comma between pale and porcelain in the last line is unnecessary. It interrupts the flow and kills the ending to the poem. Great poetry, though, and as always, keep writing!
This is so beautiful. It was heart-achingly beautiful, perhaps even hauntingly so. I loved it. It is very orderly, nice and neat, and clean. You conveyed so much bittersweet sadness, so much longing. Long distance relationships really can be so bittersweet, and you captured that perfectly.
My one suggestion will be this line.
"I laugh. I smile. I act the part."
The rest of the poem has such a soft flow, having this broken line felt a little too hard edged. I think it might be a bit nicer if they were joined by commas.
And, from grammar Nazi to grammar Nazi, of course I found no faults there. Flawless.
ooops, sorry for the repeat, computer issues.
No problemo. Thanks for the review