Published July 15, 2011
Sometimes things happen without warning.
You wake up one morning,
And you feel fine.
Not a single sign
That Death is at your door.
Not knowing what life has in store.
He was with his friends that evening of sorrow.
He didn't know that, for him, there would be no tomorrow.
It was getting late, so they headed home.
Straight through the rail road zone.
His friends crossed first,
When things took a turn for the worst.
The train came fast.
He thought he could get past...
...And then dawned the morn of Death.
A lifeless body without a breath.
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No you're right! It's supposed to be "passed" I read it as.. like he was trying to get over something that had happened earlier... I donno what I was thinking really! Sorry, my mistake
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
This was amazing! It's such a reappearing event, and I think you made a great job in grasping the full meaning of this. The way you wrote it made the reader realize how much of a shock it was for this boy to get hit and die - he'd been so certain he could make it over! I have one single thing to point out and that's the fact hat you wrote "passed" when I think you meant "past" otherwise, nice job!
You'll be awarded with 4/5 icky, sticky spiders from this Demon!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
That was really good. Such a common incident, these keep happening you know, but such an extraordinary way of describing it. True essence of poetry could be felt out here. I loved your rhymes. They actually inspired me to a great extent. Hope you get better with time. Keep writing. Good luck!
Mm, this was good! Short and sweet--that's good. You got your point across, you made your impact, and then you ended it. It is funny, isn't it? Most people don't expect to die, but hey, we all do, one way or another. Anyway, I really like the line:
It's my favorite line, actually.
The last line seems a bit redundant. Other than that, very good~ I'm glad you got your poems out into the open!
Just for clarification purposes, the capitalization at the beginning of every line I did on purpose. I do that for all of my poems as sort of like my trade mark. The beginning was meant to be a message to all people, because it is true. Each day could be our last and we never know when God will decide to call us home. You are right though, I probably should have made the separation of message and story a bit more clear.
I really appreciate your comments though. I've never really had anyone critique my poems. They've just been sitting in a spiral notebook for several years.
Hmmm there isn't much criticism I can give without correcting quite a few things. One thing is noticable, and that is that you applied an aabbcc patterned rhyme. That is fun to do, yet challenging, cause whilst doing so it may occur that you focus entirely on the rhyme causing the piece to lack in other aspects, such as structure. Overall, punctuation and capitilization are also very important, you needn't capitalize every letter at the beginning of a line, and yes I know Microsoft Word tends to do that automatically, I know the trouble as well =P
But let's head to the poem itself.
You built a nice rhyme scene here but as you can see, the length of your lines is quite odd, also you had a comma put after morning, but your 3rd line began with "and" so the comma was unnessecary. It also bothers me that up untill now you've spoken through "you" and afterwards you speak through "he". I assume that you refer to the same person in both parts, which is why I'd recommend to rewrite this first part using "he" as well. An example
Sometimes things happen
without a warning.
He woke up one morning
and he felt fine.
Not a single sign,
of death being at his door.
He did not know,
what life had in store.
See how I also cut off line, in order to add some structure. I'm not saying you should do this, but it's just to give the idea.
Also here I fixed some minor things if you notice. But you start getting stronger through this part, explaining in detail what happens, which is good, cause you're getting grip of the story and that's noticable, also your word usage fits the situation properly.The structure here also looks a lot better than before. Adding the structure to the part above would kind of lack in combination with this. But it's just about playing around, trying things.
I hope I helped you out a bit, try rewriting it using some tips!
Cheers,
Chandni =)