Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
The humans clawed their way from the bottom after the zombie apocalypse ended, they started thriving, they built cities from the rubble and healed. The virus still lingers in them all, but it only awakes after death, keeping the mind intact. Some keep their dead around when they become zombies, keeping them as family. Others send their dead to be treated for burial. Some send them to a shelter for zombies to be cared for. The military still keeps watch for ferals and terminates them. It's the best they can do to be sure we stay safe.
It had only been a month, a rift opened in the sky and an unknown ship landed in the desert. They claimed to be peaceful, they kept playing along, though the facade seemed to fade.
These aliens were mostly humanoid, blue skin and these black tooth-plates. They wore fully black armor besides the king, he wore white and a golden crown. They knew they couldn't trust the aliens.|
|It was two and a half months when they finally declared war on earth. Millions of these advanced beings against only a few hundred military men. The humans managed to survive longer than expected, but they lost. One last man. At the mercy of the king.
'Did you expect your race to survive. You all are weaklings and cowards. Say your last words, human.'
This man had one last idea, knowing it would wake up at any moment. "You have no idea what your doing. Do it. Shoot me."
At those words, the last shot was fired, the humans had died. Or that was what was supposed to happen. It had been dark, so they couldn't see the dead standing up once more. The king stood up and walked away, the snaping of bone when he stepped on a corpse caught the attention of the undead, he froze when he saw the first pair of glowing white eyes staring a him, then another pair of glowing eyes, and another, eventually thousands of eyes were staring at him.
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139,305 Literary Works • 672,528 Reviews
Gonna leave this here for all replies currently and future.
I have read the feedback (Or will read it), thank you.
This will be turned into a full story soon, 5 parts at the minimum
This was a quick write down so I wouldn't forget. I am very creative, but unable to put ideas into words/type them out. I am currently working on making an outline for the story: More characters, Dialogue, And better details.
Thank you and happy holidays!
This is such an interesting concept! I was scrolling through the Green Room looking for something not Christmas-related or realistic fiction, and I found this! Ok, let's jump in before I ramble (me? Rambling? It's more likely than you think.)
"The humans clawed their way from the bottom after the zombie apocalypse ended, they started thriving, they built cities from the rubble and healed."
This is such a cool hook! Personally, I would have put a period between 'ended' and 'they,' but that's just preference. I'm very curious about this setting though. Was it chaotic? How did things go down? How did they get it back together? Are the zombies hostile? Is the world littered with justified paranoia?
"The virus still lingers in them all, but it only awakes after death, keeping the mind intact."
This line confuses me a bit. Does that mean they're all sane after they die? Like, they're just an average human but their skin rots? Wouldn't that be a terrible fate? Ooh, I don't like thinking about that.
"Others send their dead to be treated for burial."
Well, that implies that they aren't sane because their families are choosing for them. Are they killed, then buried? I'm very curious, especially since I'm writing my own apocalyptic story.
When we get to the part about the aliens arriving, I think it might be more helpful to describe the world's reaction. Did they immediately accept them? Was there a misunderstanding? Were there casualties? Knowing America, they'd probably send up a nuke first chance they got.
"They knew they couldn't trust the aliens."
How? How did they know that, exactly? Were they shady or are humans just xenophobic?
"The humans managed to survive longer than expected, but they lost."
There's a bit of a plothole here. Wouldn't the aliens find out after they killed everyone that they turn into zombies?
"'Did you expect your race to survive. You all are weaklings and cowards. Say your last words, human.'"
Small punctuation error here! There would be a question mark after 'survive.' That's it :] I think this line is really cool though.
"It had been dark, so they couldn't see the dead standing up once more. The king stood up and walked away, the snaping of bone when he stepped on a corpse caught the attention of the undead, he froze when he saw the first pair of glowing white eyes staring a him, then another pair of glowing eyes, and another, eventually thousands of eyes were staring at him."
This is such an eerie ending and I love it! Small grammar error, it's spelled 'snapping,' and the only other thing I would change is that the ending feels a little too open. Maybe have a line saying 'he screamed, and then it was silent.' or something to have a more precise, but still open, ending.
That's it from me! Overall, this is a really good work and I'm excited to see the full version!
I like the way this story went. The ending especially caught my attention.
''The humans clawed their way from the bottom after the zombie apocalypse ended, they started thriving, they built cities from the rubble and healed. The virus still lingers in them all, but it only awakes after death, keeping the mind intact. Some keep their dead around when they become zombies, keeping them as family. Others send their dead to be treated for burial. Some send them to a shelter for zombies to be cared for. The military still keeps watch for ferals and terminates them. It's the best they can do to be sure we stay safe.''
I like the idea that instead of forcing themselves to kill of their family members who are zombies, they actually take care of them. That's really cool considering the fact that zombies are dangerous and try to eat you. That's also really sweet too.
''|It was two and a half months when they finally declared war on earth. Millions of these advanced beings against only a few hundred military men. The humans managed to survive longer than expected, but they lost. One last man. At the mercy of the king.''
I wish you could give more context about this man. Like how did he survive that long? How did he feel when approached by the alien king? Maybe a little background would be good.
''At those words, the last shot was fired, the humans had died. Or that was what was supposed to happen. It had been dark, so they couldn't see the dead standing up once more. The king stood up and walked away, the snaping of bone when he stepped on a corpse caught the attention of the undead, he froze when he saw the first pair of glowing white eyes staring at him, then another pair of glowing eyes, and another, eventually thousands of eyes were staring at him.''
Omg, the ending! The dead zombies who had at once been at peace with the humans (I think), are now coming for the alien king. That is just so cool. YAY! Justice for the humans!
Overall, this was a really good story to read!
I understand that this isn't supposed to be a full-length story so I'll keep that in mind for my feedback. The intro is pretty interesting, you don't usually see humans rebuilding properly in zombie stories so this stands out in that way. I also think the idea of zombies keeping they're minds when they turn is cool; it opens the door for a more nuanced story and cast than many zombie stories. I get that you needed to introduce the state of the world but parts of the intro, particularly the first sentence, come off as a bit awkward. The concept of aliens in a zombie apocalypse is fun, and I haven't seen in many stories. However, the buildup to the alien invasion is pretty rushed and kind of dry. For example, I don't think describing the clothes of the aliens was very necessary especially considering how short the story is. The ending is pretty strong though, the implication of the zombies basically avenging the humans is ironic and satisfying. Overall, I think the concept of this is really interesting, I'd like to see some expansion on the aliens and their motives if you choose to continue in this setting. The main things you could work on are your dialogue and descriptions.
Hey there! Congrats on uploading your first work to YWS! May it be the first of many :3
Let's jump right in! I like to leave thoughts as I read.
Okay cool, we're jumping right into the lore here! It's a lot to take in right off the bat but I like that this story is going to take place after the apocalypse is over. Based on this, it's been over for quite some time.
Fascinating! So the zombie virus isn't over, but the apocalypse is over because the human race has figured out a way to live (and die) with it. The "ferals" term suggests that there are zombies who aren't feral - presumably, it's these kinds of zombies, with intact minds, who can stick around as part of the family. This idea is super intriguing!
Sure, we've got zombies already, why not throw aliens in the mix too? xD
Why? Who are "they"? I'd love to see this part expanded upon.
So much is happening in so little words, my goodness! The humans survived a zombie apocalypse, figured out how to cope with the virus, began rebuilding society, and have now gone extinct from aliens. These humans can't catch a break!
At first I was confused by what "it" meant here, but I think I have an idea... >:)
YESSS! Revenge!
Absolutely love that you've taken the archetype that zombification = bad and twisted it more into a superpower. Presumably, a lot of these humans are still themselves, since you said zombies can have intact minds, so essentially, in your story, the zombie virus has actually saved the human race.
There's one thing I'm a little confused about, and it's this characters motive:
What was his plan here? He was going to get shot anyway and he and all the other dead humans were going to turn with or without him saying this.
This story is delightful and unique. I'd love to see it fleshed out into a more complete short story or even a novel, because right now it just reads like a summary. It'd be great if you could show us this lore rather than just tell us all of it, through the eyes of one or two characters. A human character and a zombie character, perhaps?
Thanks so much for sharing this! Keep up the great work!
Wolfi
Hi and welcome to the Green Room. Saw you post this today and decided to check it out 😉
Nice flag in your avatar btw :3 [First thought it was the ace flag to my shame, I should have known better lol]
In any case, onto the story!
I kinda like the phrasing “treated for burial”, makes sense that special measures are necessary now that the dead come back if you’re not careful… Also the idea of a zombie shelter is kinda adorable.
Okay second paragraph is where you lose me. You talk abt the past in past tense bc the apocalypse is over, so that makes sense. And then you write in present tense bc we are currently dealing with the fallout from the apocalypse and the zombies it left behind/virus that’s left in humanity and creates more zombies after death.
But now this second paragraph? It is in past tense again so this is also happening during or shortly after the apocalypse ended? Or are we talking about a continuation of the first paragraph and then you should continue in present tense, no?
Then you describe the aliens (is it rly important right now to know what they are wearing?) and use this sentence: “They knew they couldn't trust the aliens” But who is “they” in this case? The humans? A different faction of aliens? You didn’t specify and it feels kinda weird to just … refer to all of humanity in this sentence. Maybe a specific group of humans knew not to trust them…
I do like the last words of the human man. Those are some fighting words and I already expect what happens next. I just want to point out that it’s kinda unrealistic that no one else ever talked to the alien king? And that it took so long for the zombies to come back? If they have been indiscriminately slaughtering the humans, shouldn’t the streets already be crawling with them zombies?
I like the last line of your posted chapter bc it sounds like a real horror movie is about to go down on that king =D
I like how that gives a very positive, revenge-y twist to the title of your work!