Published December 3, 2007
Water. It’s one of those mysterious things you never really know much about.
“Sure” You say. “I know tons about water.” Then, you proceed in telling me that “it’s wet, and fish swim in it, and boats ride on it.”
Well , maybe that’s your interpretation of water, but mine, my feeling towards those teal – colored pools, is magical. For I know much, much more than you. I know the language. The language of the ones who know.
I always knew I was different. Unique in my own special way. My mother died when I was 2, and I was left to live with my father. A sailor living on the coast of Maine. He loved me with all his heart, but barely got to see me for he spent most of his time in the towering mass of the lighthouse.
So me? I was left to take care of my 11 – year old self in our little house on the beach.
Lonely as my life is, I did go to school. A little one – room building about a mile’s walk from the lighthouse. The two other girls in my class, Anne and Becky, live nine miles away from our house, which makes it highly impossible to see them other than during school (we have no car).
My only year – round friends are the creatures of the sea. Seals, dolphins, seagulls, they all know the real me.
My “real” life started on April 9, 2003. A warm spring day.
I was walking along the beach, looking for shells for the millionth time, when I noticed something bobbing about helplessly in the water. The sun was glinting off of it, making a greenish glare appear in front of my eyes.
The light grew bigger.
I was forced to close my eyes because of it’s blinding glare.
Stumbling about, I tripped over a rock and fell into the damp sand. My face covered in gritty dirt, I lay there.
Clink!
I heard the sharp sound of glass breaking, and began to sit up. Pain seared my left foot with the effect of 1000 needles.
I yelped and grasped my bare foot. A wave of mystery flooded through my body. Mist filled my lungs, and a slimy hand clapped over my face, blocking my only view to the world.
I tasted disgust.
The slimy thing seemed to be grabbing me, pulling me without using force. My whole body was working against it, but it seemed to take over my brain and take me with it.
Sand was scraping against my body, getting wetter as I moved along.
“I’m heading towards water.” I realized fearfully.
I desperately tried to open my eyes and stop my movement, but found that they were glued shut by some magical force.
I panicked.
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139,464 Literary Works • 672,570 Reviews
Thanks for all the great tips everybody...I'll put them to use!!
Bravo. Very nice. I was going to point out that you should spell numbers, but BBB got to it first.
I like how you use short paragraphs; that's a good way to pull the reader into the story. Not that you need to. This is incredibly gripping as is. However, I want more background about your character. The sea creature attacks her way too quickly.
One more thing. In your hyphenated words, you put spaces on either side of the hyphen. Don't do that! Not only is it gramatically incorrect--it's annoying!
Very good, though. I hope you continue with this!
A really good introduction and cliffhanger, i can't wait to read more.
Apart from what has already been said;
I think in the beginning, connecting with the reader by using 'you' is a good technique, except here, you seem to be telling the reader that the main character knows more than them. It's slightly off-putting, and to me made the main character instantly arrogant.
Also, the information about her father and friends, is this something of relevance later in the story, or something to add to the current scene? It explains a lot about why she is in the situation she is, but not what it's like.
This is a great start. Keep up the good work.
Whoa...
Just telling you >> this is REALLY good! I loved it! The only thing that you need to do different is SPELL the words out, not WRITE them like this:
Good Example: eleven years old.
Bad Example: 11 years old.
See the difference? That way it looks better. Other than that, this was amazingly good. It was fast, but I like it that way. Great job! I can't wait to read more!
BBB
I really hope you finish this because so far this sounds pretty amazing
I want to know why he's felt this way, any particular reason?Right now I really want you to explain this part:
It seems that he's become different through acts of circumstance, (the needles in his feet) and not something apparent from birth...I'm not sure, that's probably to come later on in this story
There's also a change in tenses halfway through this:
See?
Anyway I loved this a lot and I hope you keep writing