Young Writers Society

i'm not even going to bother giving this a line-by-line critique because of how devoid of imagery, metaphor, symbolism...well, its devoid of pretty much everything but words. so a girl is sad because her man is a dud, she gets kidnapped, her friends cry. see how i squashed the entire meaning of your poem into one sentence? this is bad; no poem should have its message translated in such a short space. put some actual thoughts and emotion into it and then we'll talk.

on a brighter side...i'm glad you explained that you did this quickly during a class. now i have hope that the rest of your writing is a lot better.

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as for the rest of you who commented on this thread...i have no idea where you obtained the view that saying "zomg good keepitup!!!1" makes for a good review. these reviews are terrible and show the writer absolutely nothing about how she should change her style or her work to better reflect her ideas.

the first review here was basically a love-fest that pointed out one spelling mistake and nothing more.

the second review was the EXACT same except without even that one measly correction.

the third review was so vague that it was almost funny. oh, yeah, there are "a few spots" that are rough. why not point them out? putting aside the fact that this was the only suggestion you had, at least you could have pinpointed the exact phrase(s) instead of mumbling something incoherent and running away.

wow, people here really need to ask around for how to critique well. its like a disease through modern-day critiquing.

Omigoshers. So sad...

I have to say BRAVO for your amazing technique. It's a very typical poetry stanza construction, but you follow very well. I'm impressed. There's only a few spots that are a bit rough, where there is an extra syllable or not enough syllables. Stuff like that.

Great work emotion-wise, too. I really feel what the girl feels, upset and sad and confused.

Great work, keep writing!
-KK

She stands here and waits on the sidewalk of Forth,

Wanting so badly her home and its warmth.

He's coming, he's coming, she thinks to herself,

And yet she is sure she will be by herself.

Now, once again, she's alone in the cold,

Wondering if he will ever be told,

How selfish, concieted, unthoughtful he is,

To stand up his girlfriend; to leave her like this.

the beginning is really good. I think it says how dare he

He's coming, still coming, she thinks with lost hope,

Though she now drops her head and looks down to the snow.

Gaze up at the sky, not a star to be seen,

Though the night is as dark and as deep as the sea.

It's still getting darker, she should start her way home,

But she waits a bit longer, just in case he should show.

i know how that feels. to wait for someone knowing that they won't ever show up...i know

No sound on the sidewalk.

No sign on the street.

She's the only one here, but now she hears feet.

Is it him? Is he coming?

She's trying to see.

It's only a stranger roaming alone,

Walking towards her; no emotion is shown.

Disappointment engulfed her, she needs her love here.

Though she notices the man is getting quite near.

suspense...sadness...fear...EMOTION! i can feel something, what is it?

She decides to go home, to her room where she'll mourn,

But as she turns to leave, the man grabs her arm.

"What are you doing!?", she asks with surprise.

He does not answer; just grins with his eyes.

"Please, let me go, I have to leave now",

His grip is too strong.

She's now taken down.

"No! Please, don't hurt me!"

He did not do that.

Just took her down the road to his truck.

Damn him! kidnapper! man...

After this night, she is not seen again.

Everyone wonders, her family, her friends.

Nobody knows what happened that night.

Never again will her love be in sight.

oh no! that's sad...
youre good. I like your poem...wowza!

She stands here and waits on the sidewalk of Forth,

Wanting so badly her home and its warmth.

He's coming, he's coming, she thinks to herself,

And yet she is sure she will be by herself.

Now, once again, she's alone in the cold,

Wondering if he will ever be told,

How selfish, conceited, unthoughtfull he is,

To stand up his girlfriend; to leave her like this.

Great start to the poem, it has a very good rhythm and flow to it. You spelt conceited wrong though, I corrected it.



He's coming, still coming, she thinks with lost hope,

Though she now drops her head and looks down to the snow.

Gaze up at the sky, not a star to be seen,

Though the night is as dark and as deep as the sea.

It's still getting darker; she should start her way home,

But she waits a bit longer, just in case he should show.

The second line seems a little long and it interrupts the rhythm, other than that. It very good.


No sound on the sidewalk.

No sign on the street.

She's the only one here, but now she hears feet.

Is it him? Is he coming?

She's trying to see.

It's only a stranger roaming alone,

Walking towards her; no emotion is shown.

Disappointment engulfed her, she needs her love here.

Though she notices the man is getting quite near.



She decides to go home, to her room where she'll mourn,

But as she turns to leave, the man grabs her arm.

"What are you doing!?” she asks with surprise.

He does not answer; just grins with his eyes.

"Please, let me go, I have to leave now",

His grip is too strong.

She's now taken down.

"No! Please, don't hurt me!"

He did not do that.

Just took her down the road to his truck.

I love the ‘suspense’ so to say, of this verse, nice feel to it.

After this night, she is not seen again.

Everyone wonders, her family, her friends.

Nobody knows what happened that night.

Never again will her love be in sight.

Wow, very sad, but wonderful.

This is a brilliant piece of work, keep it up.