Life

Hello! I'm not much of a poet myself, but hopefully I'll say something worth noting, lol.

Eimear has taking care of the punctuation for me. My only concern was the use of question marks...and the last stanza:

What is life, [question mark instead]
In time will fade. [Incomplete clause. Rephrase.]
It’s like a gift unwrapped,
Or a friend unmade

The last line made no sense to me either.

Again, look at Eimear's critique for additional imagery comments.

I'd like to suggest changing the first stanza. I like the structure of the last stanza, but to make it even more effective, make the first stanza the same structure. Not the same word-for-word (though there can be similar lines, etc.), but similar enough so it appears, when the poem is finished, the present's bow has finally been tied. You wrapped the entire poem into that conclusion which is a parallel structure to the first stanza. I don't know how to explain it, but it's a suggestion that I think will help make the ending more memorable. ^_^

The poem's very simple and cute. I easily followed when I read ('cept for the punctuation ). Make those few changes, and you'll have something here.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

What is life,(You need a question mark to give this energy)

A last regret,

An open book,

A friend recently met.



A rising sun,

A darkened moon,

A battle won,

A singing loon. (The rhyme seems forced here)



Memories stuck in the mind,

An un tuned guitar,

A puppy trailing behind,

A glorious realm afar. (This reads a little awkward. 'Afar' doesn't quite fit)



A burnt CD,(Weak imagery. Life as a burnt CD?)

An old teddy bear,

A forgotten chickadee,

A juicy pear.(Great)



A love note,

A drop of rain,

A poem wrote,

Unforgettable pain. (Good but there's an extra syllable and the rhythm is thrown. Try and change 'Unforgettable to a smaller word perhaps?)


A mountain so high,

A goal achieved,

A hateful lie,

A friend deceived. (I loved this stanza)



What is life,

In time will fade.

It’s like a gift unwrapped,

Or a friend unmade (Bit of a disappointing ending- I would suggest re-thinking this one...for example 'Or sun without shade?' Just an idea but you get what I mean)

Well done. This piece was simple yet it's message was clear and well thought out. It just needs a bit of polishing up to make it shine. I really hope to see this again, because I felt that it had real potential.

Hope and Best Wishes,

Eimear