Published April 8, 2008
An overwhelming feeling,
taking over your mind;
decisions may be tough.
Wondering, repenting, apologizing
a gnawing pain growing;
lasting forever.
So it seems,
hard to forget,
though the feeling begins
to fade with time.
Yet the gnawing continues,
burning a hole in your heart
returning with memories.
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,585 Reviews
Well I think it was pretty good. ^_^
This part didn't make sense with the rest. BUt it might just be me. OTher wise I really did like this one ^_^
You portray pain well, but I'm left with a big question: Why are you feeling this pain? Is there a specific memory? Several? I'd pick one that causes you pain/regret and show it along with the accompanying feeling. This will make your emotion much stronger because the reader has something concrete to tie it to.
Also, your punctuation makes the whole thing seem really jilted. Sometimes this works, but in this case, it does not. If you just punctuate like you would in prose, the reader can focus on the words and less on the excessive punctuation marks.
If you beef this up with some concrete images, you could do much more with this. Keep writing!