“Nick,” said Colin, “why don’t you go and distract the dinosaurs while we try to find the time machine?”
“But I can’t do that,” Nick replied, “I’m too short. Mr Frigid and I will look for the time machine while you go and distract the dinosaurs. You know about them more than me so you will know how to keep them at bay.”
“Fine, I’ll go and do it right now.” And with that, he dashed off.
Mr Frigid had a strange look on his face.
“Come on Mr Frigid, we’ve got to look for the time machine, by the way, what happened with the time machine that got us ending up in the dinosaur times?”
“Oh,” said Mr Frigid, “That. Well, I did tell you there was a flaw with the machine didn’t I? Well I made it and there was a mistake with some of the buttons. That explains it.”
Nick says, “Ah, no it doesn’t, you didn’t tell us anything about a fault in the time machine, you just told us to come and check it out.”
Mr Frigid knitted his eyebrows. “Well I don’t care, I just made it I wouldn’t know how to fix it just because I made it. And anyway why is Colin being engulfed by the dinosaurs?”
“What?” Nick asked, looking to the direction Colin went. He saw two dinosaurs surrounding him, preparing to paralyse him. “Quick, let’s go there and help him, forget about the time machine for now, just get Colin.”
They scuttled over to Colin promptly. Mr Frigid found a near rock that weighed very bulky and thrust it at the T-Rex. It rammed into the T-Rex’s rear and it growled with soreness. It headed towards Mr Frigid and the other T-rex was engrossed in Nick’s stopwatch.
“Keep on doing that, and then we’ll leg it.”
To be Continued...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
I'm sorry if I live in the USA.
p.s.-sorry. Again.
No you person you said paralysed is spelt wrong? Well it isn't, 'paralyse' is the English spelling and probably you are in USA but they have much better in England
Before I'm going to say anything, I would like to say (or shout) PUNCTUATION. ok there, I am done. I know some books (I only know one) does not have a period after Mr., please please please change it to Mr. Frigid instead of Mr Frigid.
? What does shortness have to do with anything? Or is it just one of those excuses someone makes up to get out of something that doesn't make any sense... do you get what I'm saying? *Pm me if you don't*
What Metal said. Maybe be instead of engulfed try a diff. word, maybe surounded.
... preparing to paralyse him... sounds odd *paralize is spelled wrong also*. Maybe say: He saw two dinosaurs closing in on Colin, petrifying him in an instant.
Also, When I read this part, it would be better if you said ... surrounding Colin.. because you use so many hes and his's that it makes it hard to tell who your talking about.
I'm going to atempt to tackle this one.
1. T-rex would not be hurt by this
2.engrossed in nick's stopwatch... Nick had a stopwatch? Why would a dinosaur be so 'engrossed' by it?
3. Leg it... odd wording.
General things
1. Characters- make them 3D, if it helps, make a detailed character plot of them, say their dislikes, fears, and appearance.
2. Dailouge- your dialouge seems a bit off, maybe try reading some pages of your favorite book and looking at the dailouge. Or, you could read it aloud. Infact, read it aloud anyways.
keep it up, I want to read this.
If you have any questions, PM me, sorry if I was harsh. But I do like it.
~MV
To be Continued...[/quote]
First off
Enzo, please read the rules before 'reviewing'.
Now;
Cauan, here is what I found.
No argument? He just runs off and risks his life? You could have them argue or maybe Mr. Frigid orders him to, or scares him off.
Try something like this ' "Lets go Mr. Frigid, we have to find that time machine," says Nick as he gives Mr. Frigid a serious look, "by the way, what did you do to the time machine that made it send us so far back?"
I like using 'Uh' or 'Uhh' as 'Ah' is more of a surprised sound in my opinion. Also, Mr. Frigid said 'flaw'.
I think he just contradicted himself.
That sure is a mouthful, maybe ' "Huh?" Nick says as he looks over to where Colin ran off, only to see a crowd of dinosaurs is moving toward him, "Hurry, we have to get down there!" He says, running off toward Colin. ' I'm not a very skilled writer myself, oh well.
I'll take this one all at once. Scuttled doesn't sound right, maybe 'Nick reached him in moments, followed by Mr. Frigid' And the next sentence isn't right;
near>nearby
Weighed very bulky>Seemed to weigh a lot
thrust>tossed.
What stop watch? When did this watch come into play? And imagine the size of a T-Rex, will you really be able to hurt a T-Rex with a rock that you can throw with your bare hands? I think not. 'and then we'll leg it' doesn't sound good either, maybe 'Keep that one busy and we'll escape.' or something along those lines
Good idea, but too many changes, a random magical stop watch and a super powered teacher? Keep trying, you'll get it soon.
Metal
Enzoguy15, try a more constructive reply please, read the rules before posting.
As for you Cauan, there are a few problems;
--
What, no arguement? He's just going to run off and risk his life? This could be described more, or maybe Mr. Frigid orders him to.
--
Try ending the first sentence with a period instead of a comma, or maybe they start to walk off to look for the time machine and Colin turns around. The 'what happened with the time machine that got us ending up in the dinosaur times?' part doesnt make any sense, try 'What could have gone wrong with the time machine that made it send us so far back?'
--
Try using 'uhh' instead, Ah is more of a surprised sound in my opinion.
--
Mr. Frigid said flaw, not a necissary change, I just noticed it.
--
If he made it, he should no every part of it, so he contradicts himself there. Also, try 'Besides, why is Colin being surrounded by the dinosaurs if he knows so much about them?'
--
Very good.