Young Writers Society

Mmmmm...that was good! I thoroughly enjoyed the entire thing. The pace was a bit quick, but it seemed to flow nicely so it didn't bother me. I'm not going to do any grammar stuff because it seems like most people have taken care of it so...I will just list some points I'd like to make!

#1-The pace was possibly too quick? Make sure not to write the whole story this way or we won't get a real feel for the characters and the world because you switch so often. I don't believe you're going to, I have a feeling that somehow the characters in these scenes are going to connect, but its just a reminder, and I did like it, was refreshing and kept me hooked

#2-I didn't like this...

A piece of silk cloth appeared from within the pockets of his long, red jacket, which he used to mop up the brown sticky liquid before allowing himself to rest his arm.

Ah, so you did read it...

But, lol, I still owe you a crit for the Chair...

Glad you liked it though.

Bad? Bad? What folly, I say!

This I've gotta crit. Prepare yourself for the deluge! (Lol, but you've gotta give me a few days.)

Chapter I

Heads turned at the unusually well-dressed man who walked into the tavern that night. Lace trimming at the end of his perfectly white sleeves, leather boots reaching to his knee; he was truly a sight to behold. Here of all places. Folk did not stare too long. In a place like this, men were more interested in their drink.
He walked to the nearest table and sat, peering at the spillages before him with a disdainful sniff. A piece of silk cloth appeared from within the pockets of his long, red jacket, which he used to mop up the brown sticky liquid before allowing himself to rest his arm.
“Anythin’ to drink, sir?” A small curtsey accompanied the question, the serving girl clearly unused to such company.
“Fruit wine, if you have any.”
“Sir, I’m afraid…”
“Ale then.” He interrupted with a wave of his hand, and the girl ran off with an embarrassed look on her face.
He turned his attention instead to a sudden burst of song. Standing upon a crude wooden stage at the back of the room, a dark-haired woman, her singing accompanied by a stringed instrument she held in her arms. She wore a simple skirt and blouse, a brightly coloured shawl wrapped around her waist. Feathers and beads were braided into her hair, which seemed to swing slightly as she sang.
He smiled as the song swept over him, delved into the folds of his jacket and brought out a folded piece of parchment, a quill and a small bottle of ink. He paused for a moment, then started to write. Slanted, curving letters appeared, flowing into each other. Finally the parchment was closed, waiting to be sealed. A drop of wax fell from the candle on his table, and was marked from the ring on his finger.
The song ended, and the woman slung the instrument onto her back. She picked up a small, wooden drum which she arranged under one arm. A chant this time, which the man now noticed was in a foreign language. Equally enchanting, an almost mysterious song which seemed to stir all in the room.
The serving girl returned, and placed two iron tankards on the table. A soft, manicured hand touched her arm.
“The bard. Where is she staying?”
“Why here, sir.” She responded with a nervous smile.
“Take this.” He pushed the parchment into her hands. “It is most important she receives it.”
“Yes sir.” As she left, he knew she would do as she said.
There was no more reason to stay. He waited for the end of the song, then stood slowly and walked out the way he came in, barely a glance behind him.

* * * * *

With the tavern almost empty, the bard packed away her instruments and joined the barkeep and the rest of the staff for a late-evening meal. A large bowl of steaming soup was already laid out for her, complete with a few pieces of bread and a tankard of ale.
“I’m not sure I deserve all of this, sir.” She smiled warmly.
“Now don’t you worry about it.” He replied. “We wouldn’t get half our customers without you here.”
Again she smiled, before picking up a piece of bread and half-submerging it in herb and onion soup. She drank deeply from the bowl, feeling the warmth travel down her throat. She looked up to find one of the serving girls watching her.
“Uh, Mistress Lirenna.” The girl looked down at the floor and produced a piece of parchment, which she held out in front of her.
“This is for me?” She nodded as answer.
Wonderingly, Lirenna turned the parchment over. The wax seal the only clue as to whence it came, but this seemed enough. She stared at it for a moment, but left it closed.
“If you will excuse me…”
“Of course. I’ll have one of the girls bring your meal up for you.”
No thanks were given. The woman was much too concerned about the letter she held, and much too eager to be able to read in private.

* * * * *

A young man leaned on the gate to the port, touched his cap when he saw the man walking towards him.
“Evenin’ Sir. Anythin’ I can do for ya?”
“A boat. You have one free?”
“Aye.” He gave a small nod. “Just for tonight, mind. Be setting off tomorrow.”
“How much?”
The lad peered at him through the darkness, looked him up and down. The white lace at the man’s sleeves and the gold chain around his neck were easily seen, even at night.
“Five gold. No less.”
“Two gold coins. And you’ll have no trouble.”
The lad shifted uneasily. “Alrigh’. Two gold.” He pocketed his earnings for the night, already making plans of how to spend it.
“Where are you bound?”
“East to th’ castle, then north to Seaton.” He fingered the heavy coins with one hand. “Be leavin’ tomorrow.” He added, almost as an afterthought.
“I shall be accompanying you. To the castle.”
“We don’ take passengers.”
“Two gold coins. One for myself, one for my companion.”
“Where?” The lad asked, then wished he hadn’t.
The man looked at him for a second, but ignored the question, choosing instead to peer down the line of boats moored at the jetty. The lad gave a start, and opened the gate quickly. Without rushing, the man walked down the jetty. His dark boots sounded with every step, as he followed the lad down to the boat furthest away. Crates and barrels had been loaded onto the deck.
The young lad turned to the taller man. “What were the name?”
“Orpheus. From the Kingdom.”
“Daniel.” He grinned. “From th’ sea.”

* * * * *

It had started to rain long before Lirenna ventured outside. Her shawl wrapped tightly around her head and shoulders, she strode purposefully towards the line of ships moored at the seawall. Salt spray leapt up at her and wrapped itself around her ankles.
Reaching out to the first ship, she wiped away a sliver of some sort of plant-life, possibly seaweed. She read the placard underneath, shook her head and walked on. Eventually, she reached a large cargo ship, wooden crates and barrels easily seen on the deck, despite the rain. Realising nobody was about to leave the warmth and shelter of the decks below, she hitched up her skirts and started to climb the wooden gate. Halfway, she stopped, suddenly aware of a presence approaching.
“Hey whadd’ya doing?!” A voice called from above, and soon enough, a man was standing by the gate, having just ran across from the deck.
“Good evening, Sir.” Rain running down her face, she somehow managed to keep her calm. “Might I have passage on this fine vessel?”
The man eyed her suspiciously. “You wi’ a man? Fancy red coat on him.”
“He would have been wearing one of these.” She informed him and took a silver chain from around her neck.
“Aye, that’s him. Ye’re already paid for.”
There was a short silence, save for the pounding of rain upon the wooden jetty.
“Sir. Might I… Uh, could you…”
“Tha want down off tha’ gate, do thee?”
Lirenna nodded, apologetically, and the man lifted her up and off the gate. She couldn’t help thinking fondly of her father. He too a sailor, had looked so similar, at least from what she could remember of him.
“Hang on, now. I’ll send tha to a cabin. Ye’re wet through!” Lirenna smiled warmly as he turned and shouted up to a figure watching them from above. “Daniel! We’ve tha’ passenger ye’d said!”
It wasn’t long before she had followed Daniel onto the ship, and into a small, wooden hatch leading into a long hallway.
“Ye wi’ tha’ man? Or do ye want tha own room?”
She stared blankly at him for a second, unused to his unusually strong accent.
“Oh. No, I’m not with him. If I could have my own room?” Daniel nodded. “And I won’t see him yet. Not unless I’m called.”
“Alrigh’. Free room at the end, on th’ righ’.” He turned to leave, and then stopped. “I’ll bring ye some cloth.”
Lirenna smiled, and by the light of the lantern she had been given, found her way to the end room. The door creaked a little as she pushed it open. Not unusually large but by no means small, this was obviously used as a store-room for the most part. There was a wooden bed to the right of the door; the sheets thrown on as though in a hurry. A thick, woollen rug covered the small section of floor she could see, the rest hiding beneath crates and boxes. She placed the lantern upon one of these and laughed at the shadows that danced around the walls.
She couldn’t help but wonder: why had she been called here? Not quite what she had expected, not that she wasn’t used to places such as this. For her age, she was widely travelled, and not being particularly wealthy, had often had to sleep in barns or curled up in the undergrowth.
Luckily for her, most inns and taverns were willing to provide a bed and a hot meal in exchange for a few songs and some stories for the other customers. There was nothing like a bard for good advertising. She hoped it would stay that way. She didn’t want to be out of a job too soon. Survival was one of her many talents, but she much preferred not to have to worry about where her next meal was coming from.
There was a knock on the door, and it creaked open. Daniel walked in with a wooden pail and a basket covered in a checked blue and red cloth.
“Have tha eaten?” he asked and Lirenna shook her head. After she had read the letter, her mind had strayed and she had forgotten the soup. It was likely still standing on the table in her room, getting cold. She only realized how hungry she was now that she had food laid out in front of her.
“Thank you. Really, you didn’t have to…”
She was cut short. “Now don’ worry.” Daniel grinned. “I was well-paid. This cloth, ye can use for washing an’ this too.” He touched the bucket lightly with his foot and Lirenna saw it was full of water. “We don’ have any lady clothes but ye can have this old shirt.”
“Is it…”
“Clean? Aye, that it is.”
Lirenna smiled. “Is it yours?”
“Ah. Aye. Though it don’ fit so well now, miss.”
“Well, thank you. That’s very kind of you.”
Cheeks pink, Daniel made his way towards the door. “So you know, miss, he says he wants talk in the morning.”
Lirenna nodded. “Good night, Daniel.”
“G’night, miss.” The door clicked shut as it was pulled to.
Lirenna forbade herself to start thinking again. Instead she concentrated on washing before the water became any colder. She scrubbed at her face with tepid water, and the cloth she had been given. She squeezed the water from her hair into the bucket, and using a comb she kept in her shawls, she tugged at her curls. Finally satisfied, she changed into the shirt she had been given, and buried herself under the sheets.
Why had she come here, she asked herself. What was it that drove her to make such rash decisions? She knew little about the Kingdom, and even less about the Lord she had been asked to meet. And perform for. Perhaps that was it. A performance in the Kingdom would be one way of earning herself some money. Meet some new people.
Then again, she might humiliate herself in front of every Lord and Lady in the Kingdom. Disgraced, she would never be able to show her face in any inn or tavern afterward.
Shaking away the thought, she reached across and took some dried fruit that Daniel had left on the side. What would this man look like, she wondered. She didn’t remember seeing anyone unusual recently. But then, she never did like to pay too much attention to the people of this quarter. Most of them thieves and trouble-makers.
She sighed, and blew out the candle, mentally preparing herself for the day ahead of her.

Thanks J. You must have posted at the same time as I did!

Anyway, I am now posting chapter 1 (though not quite finished)

Haven't sorted prologue so not posting it yet. It's basically just Ren and the General and I want it to be longer (and better!) than the previous examples...

[EDIT: it looks shorter now that it's not on word!!! ]

Thanks erethror! I like free-writing as a sort of draft as well!

Will hopefully have finished first draft of chapter one and prologue by tomorrow so I should be able to post it sat evening (gmt). I've almost finished chapter one already but I won't be finished by tonight and my prologue is almost non-existant but I don't want it to be too long and I've got a general idea of what happens so it shouldn't take too long to draft it!

Some parts have been kept almost exactly the same (copy-and-paste-job!), some things have been added and some have been taken away. I liked the parts with Orpheus so they're still the same.

Anyway will post soon.

Thanks everyone who's posted!!!

I'm going to do some repeating, too.

Fun stuff! I know you were writing freely-sometimes that's how the best story starters happen (*cough* I do that a lot). I'm getting a feel for basis in characters in your story already. Not fully developed, but there. I'm glad you've now got an outline of plot, and hopefully starting to develope more of the characters. I can't wait to read more!

There are some common punctuation errors with dialogue. Just remember that in a sentence, it ends in a comma unless it is a question or exclamation, and that the person speaking, unless a pronoun, doesn't need to be capitolized. (sorry, rough explanation. I'm not into grammar)
("Hi!" I said.
"Hi," I said.
"Hi?" he repeated.
"Hey," she said, "you're coming up with uninteresting examples."
"Aye," I said, and nodded humbly.)
It's just good to know these things. People beat me to that. Ah well.

Let's see...I'm assuming you are combining the different characters into a single (developing-heh ) plotline, or have them interact in some way. So no problems yet with that.

Um...I would suggest you not get too much into editing until you've written several drafts. I don't know. When you're rough-drafting, don't worry too much about grammar because it blocks the flow of the writing. Get the story down, maybe revise some things as you're defining the plotline, and then you edit, and edit, and edit. Keep in mind the dialogue punctuation, but don't worry too much about it while you're writing. Yes, when you post on here you should probably proof-read (for our benefit), but don't let it get in the way of your creativity....Oh wow. I'm just rambling. Sorry. It's late. :-#

It seems all the words I wished to utter were stole from my lips! But I will repeat them, this piece is quite good, and shows how with a pencil, paper, and our imaginations, we can generate such things! I am in support of free-writing as a tool for pre-drafting as often as I can, and also encourage just writing without any or mere thoughts on a subject! Well done, and despite the improper (sounds a twigden too harsh sorry...) use of dialogue, it was excellent, mind you the dialogue did not bother me much. The pace of switching between the two scenarios, was a little quick, and yet it seems like they are connected or will be, and if not then would such a thing be ruined. So if eventually the two scenarios are merged, it would work, rather than the whole, if not most, of the story is told in this way.

Looks like I'll have some more stuff soon!

Some of you will be pleased to know I now have a general plot to it. I'll post what I've written sometime after the weekend when I can get on the Internet again...

Whoa, thanks for that! I need to print all this!

KayJuran wrote:i don't know if this is the right category to put this in

Your welcome! Looking forward to reading more!

Thanks for the comments and akisha, thanks loads that was really constructive criticism! I'll look over those things again!

1st Paragraph

I think you need to describe the setting a bit more here. I didn't get a very clear image of what was going on.

"a slight smile escaped his lips". I don't know if I'm correct but i don't think this makes sense. Maybe I'm wrong...i probably am!

Altogether this paragraph was a little confusing but there is a good use of vocabulary.

2ND Paragraph

This was very good, much better than the first paragraph. It really left me with a sense of mystery and i was eager to read on!

Very good description here, i could very clearly picture the Tavern.

3rd Paragraph

I was again a little confused by who was saying what. I think that maybe you brought too many characters into the story at once, and that you should concentrate a little more on one particular character like you did with the man in the tavern. Very good dialog and I like the fact that the General is female!

4Th Paragraph

"A nod was the answer to her question". Sorry if i sound like a huge know-it-all but would it not have been better to say 'The girl nodded'.

Apart from that, this was a good piece of writing! I really got that sense of mystery again which i love.

5Th Paragraph

Good but not particularly gripping or interesting but at least here you're beginning to concentrate on one particular character. I like the idea of the scene changes but the story about the wealthy man who was in the Tavern is far more interest in in my opinion.

6Th Paragraph

Brilliant! This is a very intriguing paragraph and i really loved the last lines , It had a slight touch of hum our. Your dialog was truly excellent!

Altogether, this is an excellent piece of writing.I probably couldn't write better myself, but like every aspiring writer, you need a little more practice![/u]

Has a lot of potential... After a revision or two it will be excellent.

It keeps you interested. It does go rather quick, but you could add more description of where the characters are...

The names are a bit similar, but they are ok.

It definitely does show that you didn't really know your characters very well as you were writing it. But I'm certain you'll get over that if you write a second draft and you've learned more.

The dialogue is great, although I must refer you to the dialogue grammar topic in Writing Tips, because this is the exact sort of story that prompted it to be posted.

The pace, on the other hand, I didn't like. I thought it was way too quick. But that, I think, will also be remedied once you know your characters and the world a little better.

Hey! Thanks for the comments and for replying so quickly!

I'm sorta surprised you like the dialogue 'cause I never thought I was any good at dialogue really...

Do you think the names Ren and Lirenna are too similar? Should I change them or is it alright to keep them the same? I'm not too sure at present and other peoples' opinions would be useful here

This is really good.
I like the scene changes, its got good pacing and flow, and keeps you interested.
Its sort of like a soap opera.

Your dialogue is awesome too, quick and realistic.
I also like how there is definate difference between the members of the army and the peopel in the tavern.
Waiting to see more!

* * * * *

With the tavern almost empty, the bard packed away her instruments and joined the barkeep and the rest of the staff for a late-evening meal. A large bowl of steaming soup was already laid out for her, complete with a few pieces of bread and a tankard of ale.
“I’m not sure I deserve all of this, sir.” She smiled warmly.
“Now don’t you worry about it.” He replied. “We wouldn’t get half our customers without you here.”
Again she smiled, before picking up a piece of bread and half-submerging it in herb and onion soup. She drank deeply from the bowl, feeling the warmth travel down her throat. She looked up to find one of the serving girls watching her.
“Uh, Mistress Lirenna.” The girl looked down at the floor and produced a piece of parchment, which she held out in front of her.
“This is for me?” A nod was the answer to her question.
Wonderingly, Lirenna turned the parchment over. The wax seal the only clue as to whence it came, but this seemed enough. She stared at it for a moment, but left it closed.
“If you will excuse me…”
“Of course. I’ll have one of the girls bring your meal up for you.”
No thanks were given. The bard was much too concerned about the letter she held, and much too eager to be able to read in private.

* * * * *

Ren shifted his leg slightly, still in his sitting position on the ground. All he had left to do was wait for the results of the fight, then report back to the Commander. Though no fighter, he dared not loosen his grip on the sword he had been given.
The icy wind whipped round his face, almost removing his hood. In the distance he could hear the battle cries and shouts of the fighters, horses’ hooves pounding. It was not going well so far, that much he knew. But once the rest of the troops arrived, then it would change. He pondered over these thoughts for a while, never once relaxing his position. The wind returned, and he wrapped his cloak closer around himself, pulled his hood further over his face.

* * * * *

A young man leaned on the gate to the port, touched his cap when he saw the man walking towards him.
“Evenin’ Sir. Anythin’ I can do for ya?”
“A boat. You have one free?”
“Aye.” He gave a small nod. “Just for tonight, mind. Be setting off tomorrow.”
“How much?”
The lad peered at him through the darkness, looked him up and down. The white lace at the man’s sleeves and the gold chain around his neck were easily seen, even at night.
“Five gold. No less.”
“Two gold coins. And you’ll have no trouble.”
The lad shifted uneasily. “Alrigh’. Two gold.” He pocketed his earnings for the night, already making plans of how to spend it.
“Where are you bound?”
“East to th’ castle, then north to Seaton.” He fingered the heavy coins with one hand. “Be leavin’ tomorrow.” He added, almost as an afterthought.
“I shall be accompanying you. To the castle.”
“We don’ take passengers.”
“Two gold coins. One for myself, one for my companion.”
“Where?” The lad asked, then wished he hadn’t.
The man looked at him for a second, but ignored the question, choosing instead to peer down the line of boats moored at the jetty. The lad gave a start, and opened the gate quickly. Without rushing, the man walked down the jetty. His dark boots sounded with every step, as he followed the lad down to the boat furthest away. Crates and barrels had been loaded onto the deck.
The young lad turned to the taller man. “What were the name?”
“Orpheus. From the Kingdom.”
“Daniel.” He grinned. “From th’ sea.”

“Take cover!”
A flurry of arrows flew over the man’s head as he dived behind a nearby rock. Pressing his back closer to the cold stone, he tightened his grip on the sword he held in his right hand. With his left, he pulled the hood of his cloak further over his head. He glanced over at a slim figure crouched down by the remains of a charred tree.
“Thanks, General. Not the first time, eh?”
“Just keep an eye out. They won’t wait for you.” A woman’s voice responded curtly.
He nodded; a slight smile escaped his lips.
“Right. Course of action?”
It was now her time to smile, though more of a smirk.
“We force them back. The rest of our men should already be round the back. We’ll have them surrounded.”
The effectiveness of her strategy did not surprise him in the least. He had seen it before.
“And so it begins...” he muttered half to himself.
He lifted the ivory horn to his lips, waited for a nod of approval from the general, and blew.

* * * * *

Heads turned at the unusually well-dressed man who walked into the tavern that night. Lace trimming at the end of his perfectly white sleeves, leather boots reaching to his knee; he was truly a sight to behold. Here of all places. Folk did not stare too long. In a place like this, men were more interested in their drink, drowning their sorrows.
He walked to the nearest table and sat, peering at the spillages before him with a disdainful sniff. A piece of silk cloth appeared from within the folds of his jacket, which he used to mop up the brown sticky liquid before allowing himself to rest his arm.
“Anythin’ to drink, sir?” A small curtsey accompanied the question, the serving girl clearly unused to such company.
“Fruit wine, if you have any.”
“Sir, I’m afraid…”
“Ale then.” He interrupted with a wave of his hand, and the girl ran off with an embarrassed look on her face.
He turned his attention instead to a sudden burst of song. Standing upon a crude wooden stage at the back of the room, a dark-haired woman, her singing accompanied by a stringed instrument she held in her arms. She wore a simple skirt and blouse, a brightly coloured shawl wrapped around her waist. Feathers and beads were braided into her hair, which seemed to swing slightly as she sang.
He smiled as the song swept over him, delved into the folds of his jacket and brought out a folded piece of parchment, a quill and a small bottle of ink. He paused for a moment, then started to write. Slanted, curving letters appeared, flowing into each other. Finally the parchment was closed, waiting to be sealed. A drop of wax fell from the candle on his table, and was marked from the ring on his finger.
The song ended, and the woman slung the instrument onto her back. She picked up a small, wooden drum which she arranged under one arm. A chant this time, which the man now noticed was in a foreign language. Equally enchanting, an almost mysterious song which seemed to stir all in the room.
The serving girl returned, and placed two iron tankards on the table. A soft, manicured hand touched her arm.
“The bard. Where is she staying?”
“Why here, sir.” She responded with a nervous smile.
“Take this.” He pushed the parchment into her hands. “It is most important she receives it.”
“Yes sir.” As she left, he knew she would do as she said.
There was no more reason to stay. He waited for the end of the song, then stood slowly and walked out the way he came in, barely a glance behind him.

* * * * *

The sound of the horn resonated through the valley. A moment’s quiet. A moment of confusion from the opposing army close by. And then, one-by-one, the horseback riders appeared on the horizon. Some carrying swords, some with bow and arrow. All wearing a look like thunder.
A dark man riding a black stallion stopped near to the general.
“We attack?” He asked.
“Force them back. Our troops should be waiting on the other side.”
“Ren? Any results?”
The man by the rock looked up, the horn still clasped in his hand.
“They outnumber us, but not by much. We have the advantage from what I can see. Or at least… as long as the troops do their part.”
“Firepower?”
“Archers. Lots of them. A few horses, but mostly foot-soldiers.”
“All I needed to know. General?”
The General mounted her steed and arranged the silver mask that provided defence and showed her position of command. She took up her primary weapon, a silver-bladed spear, and nodded to the scout below her.
Still crouching, Ren took up the horn once more, and sounded the charge.