FIREBIRD

Awesome, the re-written version rules!

Still, keep the title "Firebird". It catches more attention than just "Phoenix".

Now, the poem, yeah it was really cool. I loved it and could actually feel what you were saying. It seemed more like a rock/punk song, which was really unique. Although I do agree with Incandescence, the last line was really weak compared to the rest of the poem, it just took away the whole idea. But overall, I like it.

i was going to but i thought that if
i wrote it well enough then whoever
reading it wud hopefully get what it
was without me making it totally
obvious...

I have to say I really enjoyed this. It flowed really well, and you didn't rhyme...yay! I think you should have called it Phoenix...*lol*

Syntax is the order and selection of words in a poem. Frost had some poems where he demonstrated exemplar understanding of syntax. e.e. cummings also had an amazing mastery of creating poems through syntax. I hope that helped.

i knew she went by firebird which is why it
took me a while to finally post it... wasnt too
sure what she'd think.

i like that you said it looks like a song but i
cant write songs... i seriously have no rhythm
at all... *sob*

so thanks everyone for all the comments & i
have just one question... ummm... what does
syntax mean? if anyone can help me there...

~KayJuran~

I'm going to almost have to agree with the rest of the people. I was moved by this poem--its feel and rhythm was great. On a look back, the syntax of the last stanze is weak, but it fits so well with the movement of the poem. You might want to consider doing something with it, but it's not imperative or anything. On a scale of 5 I give this 4. It was a lucent and solemn reminder of life's broken promises and nature's spin of dementia. I don't know if that's what you were going for, but I really like this piece. Again, syntax=weak, poem=good. Just to clear that up. Anyway, I look forward to reading something else by you. Perhaps I shall go look and see what I can find, or maybe just wait until you post something else. Eh, I don't know. I'll do something. I digress, but finally, great piece, keep it up.

oh wow....there is nothing you can say about a poem like this. this was excellent.

Yeah, I like it. Seemed more like a song, it was really good.

And really, has Eloere/Firebird seen this?!

had EL seen this? she went by firebird at one point.

He will be born again.
Every day,
He begs forgiveness for his sins.
But knows,
He expects too much.