Published September 18, 2005
I'm not exactly sure where this should go as it seems it could fit under dramatic poetry also. And it's probably a bad poem to use for my YWS debut since it's not typical of my other poetry. But, it's the one I wrote most recently and so here it is. Please comment.
Ten Years Old
Tears fall so often
and fears scream so loud.
My security lost,
I don't know where I stand.
Does anyone care that I'm sitting alone?
Would anyone mind if I were suddenly gone?
I just want to go back
to when I was ten,
when I knew who I was;
knew who were my friends.
It was always so simple
to make my pains mend.
And I didn't know much
but I knew I belonged.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,543 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
Welcome again!
I agree with emotion_less. The poem didn't really evoke any kind of emotion from me, and was a bit too straightforward. I have a problem with that too, so I usually only write poetry when I'm stuck on something else or just need to emote.
Okay, I think you have a good idea here, with the 'Ten Years Old' thing, but maybe try presenting it in a more subtle way. Throughout the poem, try to make the reader feel the nostalgia you've got running through your head, as well as why you're so desperate to be ten again.
Not bad. A little cliched, but still nice. Although, it should be loudly instead of loud. Well, actually, since this is a poem, it might not need to be. Hmm. Never mind. I dunno.
Still a bit cliched. I think you could jazz this up a bit, and make the imagery better. You have to concentrate to summon up a mental picture here, but I think you could make it more readily available to the reader.
I still think this part is too straightforward.
This is a cool bit. It's worded a bit oddly, though.
I like the ending, but it doesn't quite resonate with the rest of the poem. Maybe if you broke it up or something, it would be more powerful.
Anyway, nice work overall.
Good to have you!
First of all, welcome to YWS! If you're anything like me, you'll like it here.
All right then.
My secruity lost,
Just a typo...security
This felt really simple, but not simple in a way that made me feel anything different.
Does anyone care that I'm sitting alone?
Would anyone mind if I were suddenly gone?
Like this part. It's kind of cliche and overused so its power isn't as strong as something more original. I thought the poem was okay, but a bit too straightforward.