Published March 22, 2006
For Dusky
inspired by and dedicated to my amazing sister
Struggling through quicksand,
failing to stem the tears you’ve cried,
trying to take off
when gravity feels like it’s multiplied.
Seems like the wind blows hardest
when you seek to sail against it.
But trials are heaping value on the prize.
Stars gleaming above
bid you seek what there is to find.
Endure. Stay the course.
Leave popular mediocrity behind.
Cherish the battles and scars.
Triumph in difficulties overcome.
Never settle—Ad Astra Per Aspera
(for those who don't know, since Latin is a dead language after all, "ad astra per aspera" means "to the stars through difficulty")
By all means, CRITIQUE!
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,556 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hi *singsoffkey*
This is really good.
A lot of people base poems and stories after family member. It can easily be corny and clichéd. This however is really good.
Firstly, it's beautifully written. Your flow and rhythm is really smooth. Some of the lines like
"Stars gleaming above
bid you seek what there is to find."
Are just perfectly written.
I really like your use of a bit of Latin, it gives it a bit of a quirk.
The one thing I don't like about it is
"Endure. Stay the course."
It just feels out of place with the rest of the poem.
Beside that really good job.
I love this..it simply shows your love and care for your sister.
The last line is awesome, I think Latin is great..
Good work
-*Shimmer
I should probably sleeping, but sleep is overrated. I love this, and it shows a depth of caring
for your sister.
There are a few hiccups on the flow, though.
line 3. this line break seems off, perhaps: trying to take off when gravity
line 4. needs another word: feels like it's only multiplied, I am not sure 'only' works in this context but its all I can think of at the moment.
line 6. it is superfluous
stanza II, line 3. needs padding: Stay the course, and
stanza II, line 5. a 'the' before 'scars': ...battles and the scars;
I love the last line, YAY latin!
I hope this helps. Ciao, CL.