Published October 12, 2011
[ANITA]
Memories...
SOMETIMES I WISH
I was never born.
Being the younger
child of two, I'm
rarely looked at, but
when someone does
happen to glance
my way, they get this
dazed
look in their eyes,
like they don't even
recognize me.
Maybe they don't.
Hell, I don't even recognize
my own face in the mirror,
much less know
who I am anymore.
What is the point?
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139,487 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Soo...I do not know what was going on with the formatting there, but I put this together into a single paragraph here in the quote above so its easier for me to see where this is trying to go? I'm assuming that was a glitch or something cause unless this was meant to be a poem that got accidentally yeeted into the novel section that's definitely not how you're how you're supposed to structure one of these things. Considering you do refer to this having chapters...i doubt this is a poem.
Anyway, moving past that and into the content of this piece here...its an interesting situation. We've got what looks to be a younger child that is a bit alienated from the rest of the family and somehow ingnored. It also looks like this treatment has led to the child themselves having a bad view about themselves as judging by the mirror scene and I can sense quite a bit of turmoil going down here in this piece. There's some very interesting points being mentioned here hidden in the lines. Overall, I think a very intriguing piece that we've got here, despite being as short as it is.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks for all the comments guys! I just ask that you read all four chapters before commenting, otherwise it wont make sense. I have more and i will be posting it shortly.
Thanks,
Ryaney
Well, you haven't given us much so far, but as you write this, you must consider what a poetry format offers us that a prose format cannot. Why did you choose poetry? You don't use rhyme. You don't use rhythm. You don't use imagery. Were you just trying to be different? That's a commendable quality, but being different for the sake of being different is a bit obtuse and not commendable.
Why is your enjambment much better than, say, this:
Why are 3 or 4 word lines better? These are questions you must ask yourself because many of your readers will be asking these same questions. But whereas you can give yourself your own reasons and say them in your head, the reader has only what is written to go by.
In prose format, it is revealed that you haven't given us much of a opening to go by. We have no idea where this story is going, how it will fit with your format, and so on. It could become a thriller tale of revenge or a heart-warming story of self-discovery or a black comedy. Post some more and we'll let you know if it works. Right now, you have given us all of 5 sentences.
Of those 5 sentences, I can say that you are kind of glossing over the feelings. "I don't even recognize my own face in the mirror, much less know who I am anymore." What about it? Poetry is about loaded words. Connotations. Emotion given through the smallest units. That's what's lacking in this line--power.
Have you ever read Cry, the Beloved Country? (I think that's what it's called). I didn't like the book in itself but it was also written in poetry format, so done right and it is seriously beautiful. Definitely challenging, though. The thing is, you have to engage us enough to get us to read a whole novel of this, so really emphasize the rhythms and words and pull us in.
Best of luck, and keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Alright, so, I like how you're doing this. Having a novel in poetry format is an interesting idea.
However, since it's in poetry, you're gonna have to work harder to make sure your reader understands and isn't confused. You are doing a good job so far.
However, I would encourage you to keep expanding and going into the background of this characters story.
Good luck
~WickedWonder