Pull the Trigger

Thanks again guys! Im working on the manuscript right now, so I havent been able to post the next chapters, but Ill try as soon as I can!

My suggestion would be to take the first three sentences: "He was searching for her. His obsession with her was to the point of terrifying. She crouched down lower into the darkness against the old pine." , cut them, starting directly with "It was never going to be the same", and then insert these three sentences just between "She shivered as she felt the light from the flashlight pass over her shoulder." and "She crouched closer to the ground".

Not that your first sentence is weaker now, but the present structure creates a wobbly feeling concerning the POV: it starts a bit on the fence, and only after a second or two does it become quite clear whose POV we are experiencing. A very minor issue at first glance, but boundaries between POV's are an important, if elusive element of novel writing (and this is obviously intended to grow into a novel, right?) So there, just nuances from me really

Very nice! I love how you just threw us into action and yet I felt like I didn't miss a beat. This scene felt very realistic; I was very surprised that the character didn't do something utterly stupid to the point where I wanted to kill her like most of the books nowadays. The only problem I had with it, was that there were quite a few grammatical errors. But these are easy to fix once they're spotted.

she crouched, making a chills run down her spine.

Mona...I know your there

a bullet stricking a tree

and burst out the woods into the on coming traffic

The car speed off.

She looked in the rearview mirror

It may have been short, I agree, but, the shortest novels and stories are often some of the best. Pieces like these should be appreciated and loved. They are very rare.

Thanks Quibbs!

Hello,
Sorry to start on a bad note but I have two problems with pull the Trigger.
No 1-The piece is quite short, obviously with it being a tense taster prologue and not a first chapter. However it does make it quite difficult to review.
No 2-It is also difficult to review something so bloody good.
Sorry to be so useless, but I thought that it had tension, it was believable and though you just threw us in the deep end I didn't feel lost. Sometimes you get a piece and just think, right what the devil is going on, but with this I felt like I was in safe hands. Tense and exciting, I was very impressed.
Only thing, I felt like the car was too convenient. Why did the driver pick her up, why did s/he drive off, did s/he see the attacker or was the frightened young Mona enough to convince them. Anyway I just thought it was the tiniest bit anti-climatic. Though good last paragraph.
Well done
Any questions PM me
Quibbons

Thanks guys!

Ohmygosh, this was good. O.O Excuse my surprise. I may find many good works here, but this? This is like... I don't know what! It has so much suspense! I'm so happy to find a good read like this!

Hello, I'm Jojo!
and I shall be your reviewer for today!
Grammar is in red.
Others are in blue

Prologue

He was ( you do not need to say "looking) searching for her. His obsession with her was to the point of terrifying
( doesn't really make sense when you say it like that, might want to rephrase.). She crouched down lower into the darkness against the old pine. It was never going to be the same. Her life, once fun and exciting, had changed completely because of a conversation she had overheard. A murder...her murder, was hanging in the air. She shivered as she felt the light from the flashlight pass over her shoulder. She crouched closer to the ground, her heartbeat racing and her breathing becoming irregular. He wouldn't stop looking for her, at least not until she was dead.

A twig snapped a few yards from where she crouched, making a chills run down her spine.
What am I gonna do? ,she thought( it's a thought, so italicize), pressing her back as close to the tree as she could. It was a good thing she was small, or else he probably would have found her by now. She could hear the distant passing of cars on the freeway just through the woods. Maybe if she tried...No he would catch her, and kill her if she ran. She had to stay put.
What if he had a gun?
Oh God! I'll never get away, will I?( again, a thought)

Another twig snapped, closer. The light flashed again, this time near her exposed throat, which stood out against the stark darkness. The light stayed fixed on her, wavering a bit( sort of contradictory, how can it waver, if it "stayed fixed?"). His voice boomed throughout the darkness.

"Mona!" She grimaced, sinking back even further. She could barely make out the outline of the bulky figure as it slowly advanced towards her.

"Mona...I know your there. Now be a good girl and and come out." His taunting voice echoed through the quiet woods.

She pressed against the bark of the tree, debating with herself.
I can't run! He'll kill me for sure! She looked frantically around, looking for some means of exit. She could tell from the sound of the cars passing by which direction she should run, but she didn't know if she would make it.
If you don't run, he'll kill you! The figure was getting closer, just a few yards away now. She could feel the muscles in her back as she strained against the tree. He was getting closer- too close. She had to run.

"Mona!" The voice of the guy she had sworn she would do anything for came to her through the trees. She strained forward, ready to run. She saw the glint of metal before she took off, sprinting as fast as she could towards the sound of the passing cars. She could hear him chasing behind her and the clink of a bullet striking a tree just above her head.
Almost there...she strained for more speed and burst out the woods into the on coming traffic. A car skidded to a stop in front of her, and she jumped into the passengers seat yelling "GO!"

The car sped off. She looked in the rear-view mirror just as he stepped out of the woods, the fury on his face glowing. The message was clear. He was going to find her; he didn't care how long it took.

And when he did, he would kill her.