Young Writers Society

*singerofthenight* wrote:Chapter 1

It was coming. She could feel it. The burn, the flames…the fire! Her rage pored #8000BF ">should be "poured" through her, fueling the madness. The flames consumed her, glowing blue, scorching hot. It spread all around her, incinerating everything in its path, ruthless. Slowly, as her rage died, she curled into a ball, letting the flames soak back into her body. It was torment, this power she had. It took everything away from her; everyone she loved until it left her weak and alone. She cried, the blue tears leaving streaks down her face.

Cecelia Thompson sat straight up in her seat as the bus pulled to a bone-jarring halt. The memory of that night was enough to cause her to shake as she stood. Grumbling, she gathered her measly belongings. A familiar pounding in her head started as she moved through the slow line leading off the musky bus.#8000BF ">How many people? Describe more Stepping off, she sucked in the fresh, clean air of the southern states, thankful that they weren’t polluted with the various fumes like so many of those big cities she’d lived in. The pounding in her head started to ease, but the hunger in her stomach didn’t go away. The day was only getting started.

Sighing, she grasped the thin strap of her duffle bag and heaved it over her shoulder. Glancing around her, she looked for any sign indicating a restaurant. Her eyes landed on a small café across the street. She quickly rushed over, using the sleeve of her black jacket to push open the door. A chime sounded above her head, announcing her arrival. She glanced around, looking for a seat. Towards the back, a small round booth sat in the corner. Perfect. Quickly, she ducked around the few other tables scattered around the restaurant, dropping her bag beside the seat. She slid in, the large seat dwarfing her slender body. Her body ached from the long journey,#8000BF ">From where? so she dropped her head into her hands, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. She didn’t even notice the waitress had come up to her. She heard a movement beside her and jerked her head around, her blue eyes meeting the deep brown of the waitress.

She cleared her throat, embarrassed. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying any attention.”

“It’s okay,” the waitress drawled, her southern accent obvious. Reaching into the pocket of her well-worn apron, she pulled out a small yellow pad and a pen, looking at Cecelia. “Now, what can I get you?” She smiled, revealing a row of even white teeth. Cecelia smiled back, though hers wasn’t real. Picking up the menu in front of her, she quickly scanned it, not really looking at it. #8000BF ">I would get rid of the first "it", and change the line to "Picking up the menu in front of her, she quickly scanned the laminated page, not really looking at it."

“Um, I guess I’ll have the cheeseburger with fires and a medium coke.” She shrugged and handed the girl the menu. She glanced at the girls #8000BF ">Change the second "girls". Change it to "her" name tag before she turned and walked away, Cindy Martinez. The girl left,#8000BF ">"girl" to waitress" and Cecelia let out her breath. She sat silent, staring out the window, watching the cars pass by. They were just everyday people, going about their own business. Why couldn’t her life be like that? Simple and boring? She turned her head when the waitress returned, holding a glass of coke in her hand.

“So, are you enjoying your stay?” the waitress asked, smiling. She had brown hair and brown eyes, an average look, but she was petite; not something you see much of these days. Cecelia managed a smile, the muscles in her face going taunt. #8000BF ">indent “Actually, I just got here. Where here is exactly,” she looked around her and shrugged. “I have no clue.” She laughed, the emotion surprising her. She rarely ever laughed. She peered at the waitress, her long wavy black hair falling into her eyes.

“Why honey, you’re in the good ole’ south!” she exclaimed “Welcome to Crow’s Peak.”

Cecelia recoiled at the enthusiasm. A hint of embarrassment passed across the girls face. “I’ll go get your food.” She turned and walked away, her shoulders drooping a bit. Sighing, Cecelia turned her attention to the T.V. posted on the wall. She caught a glimpse of a cute news reporter before it switched to the weather.

“Here you go.” The waitress returned, moving quietly, making Cecelia jump in surprise. She sat down a plate that had a huge burger on it, making Cecelia wonder if she’d be able to eat it. A pile of steaming fries joined the burger, along with a refill of coke. Closing her eyes, she said a quick prayer. One thing the old woman who she lived with for three years had taught her to do was always pray before she ate. Old habits die hard. Grabbing the burger, she took a bite, savoring the greasy taste. The hunger slowly eased with each bite she took. Guess that’s what happens when you don’t eat in two days.

Cecelia was so caught up in her food, she didn’t hear the door open until a bunch of loud teenagers came in. Slowly, she laid her burger down and wiped her face. She watched the group out of the corner of her eye, drinking her coke with a straw. There were four guys and two girls in the group. A girl with long blonde hair looked straight at Cecelia and started towards her. With her hands on her hips, she glared at Cecelia, a smirk on her thin lips. Cecelia turned to face the girl, her face expressionless.

“Can I help you?” she asked, staring the girl in the eyes.

“Actually,” she smirked, “you can.” #8000BF "> Cap "You"
Cecelia turned in her seat so she could face her. “Really now?” she drawled, imitating Cindy’s southern accent. “Would you mind telling me how?”

The girl raised her thin eyebrow. “You,” she pointed a well-manicured finger at Cecelia. “can move.” #8000BF "> Again, Cap "Can"The corner of her mouth tipped up. It was Cecelia’s turn to raise her eyebrow.

“Um, excuse you?”

“You heard me.”

“I don’t think I did.” Cecelia narrowed her eyes at the girl, her blue eyes turning into molten ice as her anger rose.

“Well, since your obviously deaf, let me make this very clear,” Cecelia noticed her friends had come to stand by her, their smirks and laughter barely reaching her ears. “Move your skinny ass outta the way.”

Cecelia could feel the anger, the burning fire inside her rising. She clenched her hands, trying to hold back the flames. Lord only knows what would happen to her if she were to let go of the flames; to show them just what she could do. Slowly, Cecelia stood; using the two inches she had on the girl to intimidate her.

“Okay,” she drawled, her voice dripping with venom. “little #8000BF ">Little missy. You need to watch how you’re talking to me. I ain’t one of those girls you think you can run over. You might want to think about what you let come outta that smart mouth of yours or you’re going to get yourself in some trouble.” With that Cecelia dropped a ten on the table, bent and picked up her bag and shoved her way passed the girl, whose mouth had dropped open. She stopped and turned to smile at the girl.

“What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue?” she stalked out, the chime on the door ringing. Why couldn’t she live in peace? It was bad enough the government had snatched her off the streets in Chicago. Now they had to move her out to the middle of freakin’ nowhere! And for what? Well, guess she’ll find out when she got there huh? Glancing down at the small watch on her wrist, she nearly did a double take. She had five minutes left until she was supposed to meet with Jake. She was just wondering if her day could get any worse when she heard the squeal of tires. Cecelia barely managed to jump out of the way just seconds before the car ripped by her. It slammed to a halt a few yards down. What in the hell just happened? She thought as she peeled herself off the sidewalk. By now, the sidewalk was covered with curious on-lookers, including the group that was in the café. The blonde spotted her and laughed, causing her friends to look for whatever she was laughing at. Cecelia stood up, and grabbed her bag. Scowling, she stormed towards the car, where a tall guy with broad shoulders was unfolding his long legs. She felt the rage, clawing to get out. She let it lead her as she marched up to the guy. He peered down at her with amused green eyes. Cecelia dropped her bag, balled her fist up and slammed it into the guys face. He stumbled back, catching himself on the car. Cecelia stood there, the black rage consuming her.

I Am The Cheese is amazing! All should read!

Ahem, anyway... I liked it! I found it a little disconcerting at times. That everyone had white teeth seemed a little strange, mainly because Cecelia noticed them every time. That would be my biggest dislike, and that's pretty small.

I liked the back-and-forth between Cecelia and the waitress, but as the starting action of the scene it could maybe provide a little more of an insight into the protagonist. then again, it worked well as is... just musing

The religious element seemed almost like a throw-away. I'm guessing that her prayer was an indication that she was christian. But that I have to be guessing something straight-forward like that in the establishing scene disrupted the flow. The mystery of the plot in general is great, I think you pulled that off brilliantly, but if her religion is important, I think it would be best to expand on it a little (a cross necklace or something similarly subtle) or leave it out until it become important to the story.

Hope that helped!
- Ratdragoon

Jojo, I think it's suppose to be one of those books that make you wonder. I LOVE books like that. Like if you've ever read I Am the Cheese it's one of those types.

But this is really good. Like seriously, if I had all of it I wouldnt be able to put it down. Let me know when you post Chapter Two

Okay. Great beginning, but if this is really chapter one, then I'm a bit confused. First of, I do get the air the Cecilia is the hero of this story becuase of how aloof she was and how she kept mentioning out-of-the-ordinary things like not eating for two days. I can tell she's mixed up in some kind of quest. But if this is the first chapter rather than the prologue, I would probably make things a little more black and white for the time being. Mystery is good, but I found myself very confused at the end of the scene. Just give some more hints as to what's going on. Also, if Cecilia is your main character, you're going to want to make her more strong. She has a good sense of caution, but she should have refused and avoided the teenagers from the start rather than succuming to them. Unless you're trying to establish her as sort of weak and obedient and she's going to grow more as a person throughout the story, you need to build up her character.