So, it's been a while since I wrote this, but I thought it was O.K. A little feedback, please?
I hoped this day would never come, but here it is. I had begged, pleaded, and cried for him to stay. Every time we argued about it, it went the same way. But this was the last time.
“You just, ugh, you can’t go.” We were standing in the airport, right outside of the gate were he would leave me to go to the States, ten minutes until the flight would board, until I would lose him forever.
“I have to, baby. It’s my dream, my once chance at becoming something more.” He replied. Even though I had heard it a thousand times before, it shot me to hear it again. “I love you, but this is my opportunity. Once I’m going steady I’ll move you out there and we’ll live together, happy again. “
I felt a kick. “I don’t want you to go.” Another kick. “You just…you can’t. I won’t be able to live alone. I’ve grown too dependent on you.” 8 minutes.
“Honey, Honey don't.” He pulled me into his arms with as much love as he could give me at that moment. “You’re strong, love. You’re amazing, smart, and I know you can handle yourself-you’ve done it before.”
I pulled away slightly. 7 minutes. “You believe in me too much.” I replied.
“You underestimate yourself to much.” He pulled me back and ran his fingers through my hair. “You can handle yourself. Babe, I have to go. You have taken care of yourself in the past when you were alone and you can do it again. I know you can, you can do anything.” He said with a jokily tone.
“You idolize me way too much.” I replied.
“No, I don’t. I have to go…I believe in you. I love you, never forget that. Just don’t. You can take care of yourself, and I do know that I love you. I wouldn’t leave you if I didn’t know it.I’ll call you when I land.” He kissed me and started to walk away.
A Whisper barely left my mouth. I was going to tell him before this, but it got stalled. Another kick. He was 20 feet away, so he could still hear me. He turned around and yelled “I believe in you.”
And to my surprise, I yelled the truth, “But back then I wasn’t pregnant!” I was crying. I never wanted him to find it out like this.
“You’re lying.” He walked back up to me. “You can’t be. You would’ve already told me.”
“I couldn’t.” I whispered.
“You’re trying to keep me here, you little liar. Trying to stall me for my dreams. And I had more faith in you than that. I thought you loved me.”
And with that, he walked away, as I collapsed on the floor. I cried, tears running down my face, as If there was no one else there. The baby kicked again. “I know,” I said to the baby, “daddy just left us.” And I cried.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,838 Reviews
Try just saying "I begged, pleaded....", it sounds much better without the "had"
Instead of saying "until", use "before".
It should be my "one" chance
This just sounds a little funky, I dunno why.
I think you should put an "only" in there, it makes him seem more desperate. And the only reason a man would leave his family behind is out of desperation, correct?
I think you should say something like "as ever" instead of "as much as he could give me at the moment". It makes it sound like leaving his wife is making him love her less, which it really shouldn't.
I'm not sure with jokily tone, but I just don't feel that it fits here.
Get rid of the "way".
the comma should be a colon.
Woah, man. Doesn't this sound a little harsh? A man who loved his wife wouldn't really say that, dang.
What does crying have to do with there not being people? You don't need that third part of the sentence.
This is very well written. However, I think it lacks some of the emotion that would truly exist in this situation. Very good!
-Lena
Hey bouncing! It's WD, here as promised.
This was an interesting piece--a good introduction to a story. I'm very interested if this is meant to stand alone or if it is part of something larger. Either way, it's an engaging piece. I'm just going to go through a few suggestions, all right?
All right, here is the first instance of my main problem with this piece. Extreme dialogue without body language to back it up. The 'ugh' here sounds odd right now because I don't have a clear image of your character's body language when she says this. Does the ugh result from frustration? A headache? Crowds pushing around her? With dialogue packed this high with emotion we need body language to back it up.
Maybe just me, but I'd love to see you expand up on the phrase 'shot me'. There is a lot of opportunity to appeal to the reader's senses right there and it would be cool if you took advantage of that.
This is great reveal with the baby kicking. Also, I'd like to suggest that you spell out your numbers. You spelled out the first number you used, and I think it works better than the number itself.
I think some detail on how it got stalled would spice up your characters!
This is where the dialogue without body language really got to me. This is extremely strong, accusatory dialogue and it seems unrealistic without us seeing the man's face and getting an impression of how he's moving and how he's looking at her. It seems abrupt with the appropriate details, so as you revise this, really pay attention to the detail in this part.
This was a nice piece! I enjoyed it a lot; I would just urge you to back up your dialogue with body language. You have a lot of extreme emotions and things happening here and we need some grounding in your characters for the dialogue to be believable. Does that make sense? So, pay attention to the details and the image; don't be afraid to appeal to the senses. Nice job here, keep writing and feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
Thanks so much for the feedback, and for pointing out my careless mistakes!!! I fixed them, so I'm hoping that it's getting better! And, oh, I haven't finished it yet, I just need to finish up my exams and a TON of other things I'm writing, and then I will be back on this!
Hey! Irish here!
I was hoping he would turn around and stay, haha.
So I liked this, the emotion and everything, the ending was really sad
I saw a couple of things though:
I think you mean board?
Umm, I'm not really sure what you're trying to say here...
This entire paragraph, to me at least, seems really repetative. It might be the effect you want, like, he has to hurry to get on the plane and everything so that might not need to be changed.
I think you mean "He"?
Other than those things, I thought it was really good!
Keep up the awesome work!
-Irish