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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Gorbak the Gobux Chapter 1

by guineapiggirl


Chapter 1
Pook Gobik breathed heavily as he climbed the thin winding cliffpath home in the dark and pouring rain, dragging his small raft behind him. Just over the crest of the rise he could see his hut, a battered old lean-to that had been rebuilt by the Gobik family more times than could be recalled. A warm glow flickered within. Pook Gobik licked his beak and a brief smile displaced his frown as he thought of the warm stew his Mook would be cooking for him. He hoped it would be the orange stew; the one with seaweed and tentacles in; his favourite. His smile faded. Not one octopus had been caught that last month, not by any of the few Gobuxes who remained on the cliff. Nor had they caught trout, haddock or plaice, squid, prawn or shrimp. As their seas became more and more polluted by the foul sludges carried by the tide from the city, the fish had gradually all died and moved away. Tonight, like on every night, the Gobik family would have the plain green sludge made from the weeds on the cliff that always left Pook feeling like he'd been sick in his mouth and made the younger goblets gag and retch with disgust.
"My dearies, Pook is home!" he squawked, pushing aside the torn and tattered old sail that served as a sort of tent flap.
"Hello, Pook." Mook spoke with the dejected, flat voice that had been her norm the past few weeks. She stood over her pot, clutching the two youngest goblets in one arm and stirring with the other. Three more goblets leapt away from her skirts and ran to their Pook, crying gleefully. Pook bent and kissed them all on both ears, mustering up a smile.
Gmisel, the eldest surviving Gobik child, came running in, clutching a wingful of berries.
"Mook!" she cried, bending for her Mook's blessing, then "Pook!" when she looked up and saw him. She knelt for his kiss, then turned back to her Mook, "I have found some berries for the stew!" She unfurled her wing and proudly displayed her offering.
"Thank you, Gmisel." Mook spoke absent-mindedly with the same flat tone as always. Gmisel looked away, disappointed, and Pook sighed.
"Come here, Gmisel. Come play pebbles with me." He beckoned her, looking at Mook reproachfully. Mook, staring blankly into the distance, didn't notice.
That night, after Pook and Mook had kissed all their children and tucked them up side by side under a blanket, they lay beside each other, silent. Pook listened to the rolling thunder and the downpour of rain beating on their wooden plank roof.
"You upset Gmisel earlier." Pook said.
Mook started and looked at him, surprised, as if she had forgotten all about him, "When?" she asked.
"When she brought in her berries." Pook grimaced slightly, recalling their earlier stew. The berries hadn't much helped. Nevertheless- "She was excited but you dismissed her."
Mook frowned, "I don't remember-"
"You're so distant nowadays. I can't seem to reach you; where are you, my Mook?"
"I'm sorry." Mook sighed. Pook sighed too, "I'm just worried; about us, and about the future. About what we'll all eat when the winter sets in and the frost kills all the cliff plants. How we'll clothe the children and repair our hut... You're not catching enough fish to feed us, let alone to sell- Don't look like that, I'm not blaming you. But we can't carry on like this."
The Gobuxes sighed together. Pook knew that Mook was right.
"What do you suggest?" asked Pook helplessly.
"I don't know. I've absolutely no idea."
Pook pondered for a minute, "We could-"
A mighty thunderbolt; a crash; splintering wood; flames. The hut fell down and burned around them. Mook screeched and leapt into action, scooping up two goblets. Pook flapped around for a moment, cursing, before throwing two others over his shoulders and grabbing Gmisel's hand. The Gobiks crawled out of the wreckage of their home, choking on the thick black smoke that was filling their lungs.
Pook collapsed to the floor next to Mook, gasping for breath. He dropped the two goblets and they ran away, squealing in fear.
It was Gmisel who noticed first, "Pook, Mook- Girkorn!" She wailed, looking desperately around for her little brother. Mook and Pook leapt to their feet as one and ran towards the roaring fire that was consuming their home... and their son. Completely unhesitatingly, Pook kicked down the door and entered the wreckage. He ran around the hut, squinting against the smoke. His eyes and hands were searching every nook, every cranny. Leaning down, he felt a sudden searing pain in his head; a beam of wood had hit it. He swayed, struggling to maintain consciousness, then collapsed to the floor.
"Pook!" Mook ran to him. Pook looked up, shocked. He hadn't even noticed her follow him in.
"Get out!" he shouted harshly.
"No, I won't leave you and our son-"
"Do as I say! Just get out!" Mook bristled at his command and Pook's voice softened, pleading, "If we both die in here what will become of our children?"
"Then you go; I'm not leaving our son."
With that, Mook continued her search through the collapsing hut, leaving Pook no choice but to crawl out, still cradling his head in his hands.
It felt like hours that he waited with the shaking goblets outside, but in a few minutes Mook came out, clutching the limp figure of a goblet in her arms.
For a moment Pook's heart was gripped with terror but then he saw the beam upon Mook's face. He ran to her and they danced around, the goblets joining them. They all laughed and hugged.
"We must get him to the Koog." Mook said once they had all let out their joy and relief. "He has breathed too much smoke into his tiny lungs and one foot is singed."
Pook looked down at his tiny son and saw that this was true. One webbed foot was completely blackened. Gobuxes were wet creatures and did not easily burn so luckily the fire had not spread. Pook looked at his son, likely destined to limp and need a stick for the rest of his life, and at his home, burnt to the ground. He knew they had not the means to rebuild it.
He suppressed tears.
"I'll go to the Koog now." he said, grabbing Girkom and hurrying away. He didn't want his family to see him cry, and he needed time to think.


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184 Reviews


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Sun Feb 24, 2013 2:47 pm
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veeren wrote a review...



Okay, so maybe not as soon as review day starts

Hey guineapiggirl!

Spoiler! :
Nor had they caught trout, haddock or plaice, squid, prawn or shrimp


Nor is used when implying or using the word 'neither', and neither is only used when talking about two things, no more, no less.

Spoiler! :
the fish had gradually all died and moved away.


I find it odd that something would move away after it dies.

Spoiler! :
That night, after Pook and Mook had kissed all their children


Perhaps this is a personal preference, but since this is a time lapse, perhaps you should remove the 'That night,' and add a symbol denoting that time has passed. It should look something like this:

* * *

After Pook and Mook had kissed all their children


Spoiler! :
and did not easily burn so luckily the fire


Add a comma after 'burn'.

And the rest is fine.
If there's one thing I can say I loved, it was the names. They're so much fun to read and even more to try to pronounce.
And the story was great too. I thought the flow was perfect, nothing was long and drawn out or short and confusing. So great job on that.
I'll be reading and review the rest of the chapters, so look out for that :D






Thank you! I'll look at those little grammatical thingys- I never knew about nor! That's very interesting.
Helpful review. Thanks!



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Sun Feb 24, 2013 4:06 am
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Kafkaescence wrote a review...



Your story is a bit bland and I'm not really drawn to it. I'd like more depth in your characters, something to distinguish them from the stereotypical couple in hard times. Pook is shallow. Mook is uninteresting. I don't find myself connecting with them.

This whole piece feels like a half-effort. There really is very little description or history or attempt to establish a firm sense of place. Where does it take place, when? Imagery would also help to flesh this out: what does the house look like? What is a Gobux?

The conflict you present isn't especially drawing. It doesn't hint at any bigger picture or further plot that could develop past the microcosm of their family.

The lightning strike was abrupt. This really felt like two chapters: pre-lightning, and post-lightning. It felt too disconnected. It felt like I was only just starting to get introduced to your characters when the lightning comes and threatens their lives. I didn't feel any real connection with Pook through his struggles, because I hardly even knew who he was.

This felt like a safe chapter—bland, but no risks taken, as far as character and plot. Risks are what make stories worthwhile. I hope this helped.

-Kafka






Thanks! I'll really have a think about everything you've said :D



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Sun Feb 24, 2013 3:42 am
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StoneHeart wrote a review...



WoW, that's all I can say about your grammar.

The idea seems COMPLETELY original. A goblin family . . . Awesome...!
To tell you the truth I've never really even considered something like this, or even imagined it.

Note: A bit of description on the surroundings and the different characters appearances would really help out here. But that probably is just me, so don't take it as necessary at all.

Now, I enjoyed this, it was interesting and original, completely.
But, it had a problem.

Stories tend to be about heroes who save the world, and make a difference in the lives of others. A big difference. Especially in Fantasy stories like this.

You might have your hero save the world, or a country, or end a war, or start a war. Something momentous.
Now, at the moment it's hard to visualize this coming in this particular story.
Seriously.

I'm seriously hoping something important happens in this story to make it more like that.
Now of course, there are stories about more simple things, but about a goblin family. . . it sounds wrong.

Now, should you be planning to put something momentous into here I can't see it happening with a goblin parent and his family. Maybe in a few points, but not many.

I love the names by the way. They go great with goblins, they're . . . mucky is my only word for it.
Hahahaha.

No, really, great names.For a great story!

Keep writing.






Thanks! I guess this is all an introduction; the majority of the novel is going to be about their son, who starts a war!
"WoW, that's all I can say about your grammar."
Is that a good wow or a bad one? :D
Thanks!



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Sun Feb 24, 2013 12:32 am
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Soulkana wrote a review...



Hello, my names Soulkana and I will be reviewing for you today!

Well, you have an interesting story that is for sure! I will be delighted to read more later on. Your description is very detailed and I think it gives a good image of what is going on in the story at the moment. You can obviously tell that the pollution is causing hardship for the family which also is good information to know.

I did not find any spelling errors in my search nor did I really see anything wrong with the grammar and punctuation. I think this is a good chapter and I will be most ready to read the others when I have the time. I hope this helps you and I enjoyed your work.

Good luck with your future works!






Thanks!




In dreams, we enter a world that's entirely our own.
— Albus Dumbledore