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Assorted boxes

by Trident


[For Cadi's Writing Gooder prompt]

We refresh the screen, get a message, refresh again. We go to the shower, refresh some more. Dry the hair and apply the antiperspirant. Sisters and mothers zip the backs of our dresses. We hear his voice, smell his cologne. He brushes our cheeks with his scruff.

Sit on red plush, order a salad. Not smart to eat large on the first date. He takes us home, gives us sweets: chocolates and wines. He’s had a lot of practice, this one. We eat it up—devour—he smiles and we melt into the shag carpet.

We’re out for the count, down for good. He’s a collector of boxes, a filler not a taker. He doesn’t eat chocolates, he puts them back in. It’s an assortment of sorts, and we each have a different center.

Boxes are smaller than you think, never enough space. We don’t know how it’s come to this, but we remember the sweet things with their sweet intentions. But worry not . We have suspected something like this might happen someday. We all end up here in the end. But if anyone asks, tell them we’re fine.


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Sun Feb 24, 2013 9:37 pm
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hey Trident! I'm Arc, here to review!

So, as soon as I read this I thought there were too many starts and stops which made it a bit hard and unpleasant to read. I'm not sure if that was your intention with this piece, but that's what I thought.

Also, it's all generally a bit confusing. I had to read it over a few times but I still was quite unsure for what was going on. Also, I'm not really sure what any of the references are, so yeah, I agree with Snoink it's all just a bit confusing. I think you could fix that easily by just expanding on things.

I noticed that this piece is quite short, I'm not sure if there was some kinda of word limit on it. But I think it definitely just needs to be slightly longer because right now it's all a bit one dimensional. I know, quality vs quantity, but you could write some good quality lengthier pieces (does that make sense, I'm a bit tired xD)

Overall, I did like it. Leave me a PM if you have any questions or want another review on something

Keep Writing!
-Arc




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Sun Feb 24, 2013 12:34 am
Snoink wrote a review...



Hey Trident!

Okay, so first of all… check this out!

But worry not .


Extra space! Ahhhhh!

Okay, now that this is done… having not read the prompt, I don’t really know what this is supposed to be about or what meaning this has. All I know is that it’s a bit boring. Okay. So, this guy is not your typical guy who goes on dates. Okay. But, your descriptions about him really don’t do anything, as far as the metaphors goes. He fills and doesn’t take. What does this mean?

Is this a good thing, because he knows when not to gorge himself on chocolates and only have them when he wants it? Or, maybe you’re commenting on how he wants to fill people up and make their lives meaningful, or something of the sort. This could be true as well!

Or, is this hoarding of chocolates bad? Maybe you’re trying to say that, by not taking part of these pleasures, he is merely observing and not participating, and thus remains an outsider. Maybe the person who is “out for the count, down for good” is a bad thing because it implies vulnerability on the part of the person who is with him, whereas he is merely hanging around.

SO. The metaphors! They are not clear. But, when I say that they are unclear, it’s not in a good way. I mean, I love ambiguity a bit too much… but this is too much so.

Then, the ending. By this point, I think you think that we get what you’re saying, so you kind of just wrap it up by implying that we’re not fine, but we’ll say we are too. But, even this is confusing, because this kind of cynicism seems a bit uncalled for, or doesn’t really seem in context.

Basically? This isn’t clear! It is confusing and weird. I am not saying that you have to be obvious — you don’t, really. But, you need to add more to this so we can all get context to the story — and not just the people who read the writing prompt.

So basically? My advice would be to flesh it out and use more images (and plot!) to really make this piece sparkle.

Good luck! If you have any questions, feel free to ask. :)




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Sun Feb 24, 2013 12:24 am
wonderland wrote a review...



Hi!
Alright, so, this was really good. Very good. I adore how you used a sort of mix of second and third perspective. (It doesn't seem like such a popular choice, and it's hard to write, but you did it well.) I also like how you kept it very short and to the point, with no superfluous details. You just tell the story of a mainstream first date.
I can't really find anything that you can fix or brush up on. This piece is very good.
I also like how you worked the prompt line into the last line. the prompt alone raises many different thoughts, and placed at the end wraps up the story perfectly.
So, yeah. Fantastic!
Keep writing.
~wonderland





Thou call'dst me a dog before thou hadst cause. But, since I am a dog, beware my fangs.
— Shylock, The Merchant of Venice