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E - Everyone

Catching Up

by SerenyaChan

"Stella who exactly are we looking for?"
"Not who, what."
"Ok what are we looking for?"
I put my hand over Erista's mouth shushing her. I take out a medium sized bola. I heard the bushes rustling, getting closer to our location. I get down, in a prone position and see feet.
"Ahhhhhhhh!" We heard a man scream. The same fellow was running away from a group of thugs. I looked at Erista. In that moment we separated, I went one way she went the other, catching the thugs attention. We crossed each others paths, swinging bolas. We released them at the same time mine capturing the two chasing after her and hers catching only one that was chasing me. We started after the escapee until we saw him abruptly fall. We jumped back seeing the man we had helped. He had knocked the thug out, not sure how but he did.
"Do we get a thanks?" Erista asked sarcastically.
"Thank you." He said, smiling.
Erista went behind him and put a knife to his throat, not yet piercing the skin.
"Now, what could you have possibly done to get those thugs chasing after you?"
He started laughing. Erista looked at me confused. "Well you see I went to their camp hoping to get back what was stolen." The thugs took something from him.
"Ok what was it you lost?"
In that moment I saw a flash and he was gone. I looked at Erista. She was mad. She never liked losing or the feeling of failure. We walked over to the tied up thugs.
"So who's up for chat?" I asked sarcastically.
Erista added, "Who was he? Why were you chasing him?"
"There is a top bounty on him, you two, of all people should know that." He laughed.
"For what?"
"Erista enough, why should we believe a thug? Help me tie them to a tree, we'll stop by the authorities and tell them what happened." I put on my anima caestu and placed my hand over his torso, taking part of his soul.
Erista and I walked in complete silence. The only thing I could think is that we screwed up. He was the bad guy, not the thugs. Why didn't i know about him? When we got to the station Erista went to explain what happened. I went and looked at the bulletin board, I didn't see him. I put an X across the thug, whose soul i took and continued looking. There was nothing about him in the public files. I heard footsteps behind me and turned around.
"Is there something I can help you look for?"
"No thanks."
"Alright I'll let you look then, hey thanks for bagging those thugs. They've been causing problems lately."
"Sure thing."

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289 Reviews

Points: 30323
Reviews: 289

Sat Feb 23, 2013 1:13 pm
Caesar wrote a review...

Hey there SerenyaChan! Welcome to YWS! I hope you've been having a good time here. Keep on reviewing! That's the best way to get reviews on your own stuff.

Now, Ignorance dear has covered the mistakes with commas here, but I will go further. I'll mention that I absolutely HATE okay used as ok or OK. It's technically correct, but I find it so... childish. Oh well.

"Thank you." He said, smiling.

In dialogue, there should be a comma there after the full-stop. It's instead correct when the person who speaks say, laughs afterwards. But when followed by a speaking verb, always a comma.

As ignorance said, this is very short. Too short for me to formulate an accurate idea of events forming here. You definitely need to work on things. Description, for one. Description is very, very useful indeed. The sights, sounds, smells, what the characters look like, everything really. There's a major lack of it here. Characterization, as well. What the characters are experiencing. Their adrenaline, the anticipation, everything. Big lack as well. Also backstory. Why are they doing this, where are they, what goals do they have.

In short, there are so many blanks I can't even. Work on that.

Hope this helped

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933 Reviews

Points: 4311
Reviews: 933

Sat Feb 23, 2013 12:53 am
Iggy wrote a review...

Hello there, and welcome to YWS. :-) I noticed you joined in January, and you already posted a story! Awesome! My name is Ariel and I'd like to introduce myself to you as a Mentor. We have this club here on YWS called "The Buddy System", where members like me will help out newbies like you. If you need help around YWS, or need a review, or just flat out need help, that's what us Mentors are here for. If you're interested in hearing more, shoot me a PM and we'll talk! :-)

Now, on to the review.. As for this story, it could use a lot of work. First, your punctuation is off, way off. I could quote your work and bold your missing commas, but that would take too much of my time, and I also don't know how to quote works, seeing as I can't find a link for it. <.< Basically, you should know where they go. I'll give a few examples:

- "Stella, who exactly are we looking for?"

- "Ok, what are we looking for?"

I recommend going through and fixing it, filling in all the missing punctuation marks. All I saw were missing commas, so that may be all you should need to do when editing.

Another thing I disliked was the spelling of the word "okay". It's a nitpick of mine, and I suggest you turn this:

- "Ok what are we looking for?"

To this:

- "Okay, are we looking for?"

Last thing - It was too short, especially for a chapter of a novel. As you can see from books, most chapters are longer than five pages, unless they are the prequel or epilouge, and this work of yours, if printed, would only fix on one page. I suggest that the next chapter include more context, i.e.: more imagery. Definitely more imagery. Also, more backstory. What is going on? Why is the man running, and who exactly is chasing him? How did the main character and his/her sister come to learn such advanced moves and handle such weapons? Elaborate more, please.

Other than that, nice work! Looking forward to seeing chapter two. :-)

Cheers. ~ Ariel.

Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.
— Albus Dumbledore