Young Writers Society

Hi niteowl, this is a creepy little thing. Good though. My thoughts:

I remember when chocolate
still tasted sweet
and the wind was a nuisance.

Now all I know is wood and bars
and bumpy roads, and no wind
enters breathing holes.

Mama said don't talk to strangers,
but how do you say no
to old Mr. Johnson
from three doors down?

He said he had chocolate
and now it's all I eat.
Lord if I get home safe,
I'll never feed Rover
the brussel sprouts again.

We jerk to a stop, and he
says I have five minutes
to answer nature's call.

"But remember sweetheart,
if anyone asks, tell them
'We're fine'"

Verrryyy intense for sure. At first I wasn't sure that I would like this poem, not feeling particularly intrigued by the opening stanza, but by the end I had shivers running down my spine. It's frustrating because this poem ends without a solid conclusion to the story or the unraveling of suspense, but it's a good frustration - we want to know, but you don't give us that satisfaction. Instead we're left to the whims of our wandering minds and brought down a dozen potentials as to how this all ends up. Needless to say, I don't think it promises to end well.

Anyway, while this may not be the most complex or articulate poem, I think that's part of its beauty; it feels real and simple and innocent, and that makes it all the more poignant. The voice sounds young, and that works very well.

Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx

Hey there,

This is a very creepy poem, but very, very well executed so well done. I only really have nitpicks, the main one standing out to me is the way you've ended it punctually - there's no full stop, and you'd be surprised how much of an impact that makes on the definite effect of the poem, simply do this:

'We're fine'."

Now all I know is wood and bars
and bumpy roads, and no wind
enters breathing holes.

Now all I know is wood and bars
and bumpy roads. No wind
enters breathing holes -

Wow, this is an intense poem. It sends the reader into sheer shock. I love the metaphors you used in this. It is quite brilliant. I love how you used such wording as "to answer nature's call" and "he said he had chocolate, and now it's all I eat." The ending sent shivers down my spine! A great read for a horror fan, such as myself. Loved it!

My critique would be to try and get the flow down a bit more. The flow of the rhythm was shaky, if you choose to rhyme more often or do not rhyme at all, etc. A pattern per-say. It creates a rhythm for the reader to speak in their heads; which makes them more indulged in the piece and passionate towards it.

Great work!
-Coley.

ooooo creepy poem Niteowl. Been a little while since I reviewed, as always Tucker here with your review . I like the topic of this, your goal here is just to make the reader's skin crawl and grit their teeth while they read it, I think you can push that even farther than you have. Let's dive into the review now shall we?

"and the wind was a nuisance"

Ok, I've been reviewing a gazillion essays for my class (cause I'm always the go to editor -.-) But I apologize for this note, so what is the purpose of this line. You don't really come back to the wind and it just seems to be unnecessary in this poem, either make the wind something substantial or replace this line.

"but how do you say no/
to Old Mr. Johnson..."

Oh my goodness this just makes my skin crawl and GAH! Nice writing, completely accomplished your goal of this poem with this line, nice job there.

"I'll never feed Rover"

This line confused me because I'm not sure who "Rover" is. I assume it's the name of a character because you capitalize it, I'm just confused about it's purpose unless I'm missing some momentous point here because that can happen to me often. Let me know.

Love the stanza about the nature's call, nasty twisted and excellent. Although maybe you can add more into it, maybe push the grotesqueity to such a level as insinuating that the old man is like chocolate, you could even drop a hint with the "sweet old Mr. Johnson." This is a total suggestion and not really even necessary to the poem, but it might add a nice air.

All and all a good piece, creepy and makes me never want to associate with Old Mr. Johnson in my life. Excellent writing as usual, just some minor details here and there. Love your writing, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh