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Chapter Four of the Lost Legend - If you can't win, die trying.

by StoneHeart


Tia’DiLeorna Fortress, Kinsingskeld city, Arreland.

Fortresses always looked the best at sunset, decided Jaden Clasheron, the late king of Arreland.

He stood, the wind whipping his long black hair about his scarred face, on the northern tower adjoining the keep’ outer wall.

It was his favorite place to spend his time; a place where he could stop thinking about all the things, he, as king, was required to consider, if only for a few minutes every evening.

He leaned over the massive crenulations on the battlements, looking over the edge of the limestone tower down at the moat almost a hundred and fifty feet below.

He smiled, remembering the day he had climbed over the burning ruin of this very tower, his faithful soldiers behind him, cheering him on, his sister, friends, and brother on either side . . . what he would not give now to go back and relive those days.

“.Jaden,”

He sighed, his detecting spells already alerting him to the identity of the man standing behind him.

He answered without turning.” Jacob.”

On any other day he would have been happy to see his brother-in-law but today wasn’t a day that would be remembered happily . . . not for him anyway.

A heavy, calloused hand fell on his shoulder.” I’m sorry.” The other said simply.

Jaden turned, looking his friend over; he was the same as ever, short brown hair, a heavy chain mail suit covered by a vest depicting the raven that was his people’s symbol, and his eyes, deep, wise, and sad as ever.

He shrugged in response.” It’s not important.”

Jacob laughed now, deep and hearty.” Not important? You may be able to fool everyone else, but you can’t fool me, this has hit you hard, as it should. You’ve dedicated your life to the Arrel people, and now they’ve spurned you.”

Jaden dropped his carefree stance, the true sadness and anger in his heart surfacing.” If only it had been a bit better ratio.” He said in a despairing tone”. But nine to one . . .! “

“.I warned you.” Jacob answered simply.

Jaden nodded, remembering what Jake had told him long ago. Life isn’t fair, what life produces is even less so. You trust a person, and they will betray you. You serve someone, and they will refuse to pay you. You love someone, and they will hate you. You give a people your life, and in the end they’ll spit you out and grind you into the dirt.

Granted that was a rather pessimistic view of life, not all of it was true all the time . . . but it was wise to expect little of people, and chances were you wouldn’t be disappointed.

“. What are you going to do now?” Jacob asked grimly.” You always have a home in Isarua, should you need one.”

“. I have a plan . . .” Jaden said vaguely, trailing off, not sure if his friend would approve of what he had in mind now that he wasn’t King of Arreland anymore.

Jacob grunted, waiting.

“. It’s crazy . . . “

Jacob chuckled.” I recall some pretty crazy plans that you’ve come up with. What’s this one?”

Jaden sighed; he might as well tell Jacob.” If my own people don’t want me, then I think I should go and find another people who do.” He gazed up at the hazy orange sun falling behind the mountains in the distance.

Jacob frowned.” Isarua could use you . . . but I have a feeling that wasn’t what you had in mind.”

“. I was actually thinking Netheron.” Jaden said clenching his teeth, knowing what was about to happen.

“. What?! ”

“. Netheron needs help, they’re about to be invaded. I hear some of the nobles there are trying to make a stand, but they don’t stand a chance. I can give them the experience and power that they’ll need.” His argument was well thought over, and he was planning on going whether his brother-in-law wanted him too or not.

Jacob looked worried; he knew that Jaden would as well.” Jaden, seriously? They’re farmers; they won’t even slow the Halavardes down. You’re practically suggesting taking on the entire Halavarde Empire on by yourself?!”

Jaden chuckled.” Sure would be a nice climax to my career wouldn’t it? Taking on the entire Halavarde Empire by myself! Sounds rather epic, doesn’t it?”

“. It’d be the end to your ‘career’.” Jacob answered angrily.

There was an uncomfortable silence between them.

“. I was actually planning on trying to get a bit of help.” Jaden said after a few moments.

Jacob frowned.” Who? You’re not king here anymore, you don’t control the army now. Well, not officially anyway. I’d help you, but Netheron isn’t Isarua, and I can’t ask Isaruan soldiers to defend land that isn’t theirs.”

“.I was planning on checking with Jerry and Danerack.” Jaden answered.

Jacob looked thoughtful.” Danerack will help you; he’s always itching to try out one of his combat thingy’s. He’ll give you a hard fighting core and good surveillance, but not the kind of numbers or power you’ll need. So Jerry . . . “Jacob looked thoughtful, he wasn’t as into war and fighting as his brother-in-law, but he knew enough to know that it was a good plan.

“. There’s only one problem.” Jaden said firmly.

“. Oh?” Jacob asked, unable to find a flaw in the plan.

“. I haven’t heard from Jerry in six years, and I’m not sure I really want to go to Azquelden itself to talk to him.” Jaden kept staring at the colors of the falling sun.” He may not be able to help anyway; he’s got his own problems after all.”

Jacob shook his head.” Just get Danerack to send a probe to Azquelden if all else fails. And after all, he is your brother; I think he’d help you.”

Jaden glanced over at his friend.” Oh he’ll help, but not because we’re brothers. He was just as much a friend of Arlon as I was, and he’d do a lot for what Arlon upheld and cared for.”

There was silence for a few minutes, finally broken by Jacob.” Jaden, I don’t like it. The Halavardes are very powerful, and even with Danerack and Jerry, you may not be able to beat them.” He shook his head.” When are you leaving?”

Jaden shrugged.” There’s not need to waste time, actually, every second counts. I’m leaving in five minutes.”

“. What about your things? Aren’t you saying goodbye to all your friends?” Jacob asked in surprise.

Jaden gave him a bitter side glance.” What friends? What things?”

Jacob looked away, ashamed, he had it all, a good home, a wife, children, power, money, and he was content, happy even. Jaden had none of that now . . .

Jaden turned away.” I’m going to leave now.” He said finally.” Goodbye Jacob, give my best to Maria and the kids.” He stood in-between two of the crenulations in the wall, his arms outstretched, inhaling the cold wind, ready to make the leap that would bring him out of this world.

He was just about to jump when Jacob stopped him.” Jaden, before you go, there’s something you should know.” He sounded uncertain, afraid almost.

Jaden frowned.” What?”

Jacob looked down at his armored boots.” Edrin was killed.”

Jacob felt bad telling him now, especially now, and looked away from Jaden’s stricken expression quickly.” How? ” Jaden asked, his eyes confused and filled with sorrow.

“. A Durwing killed him.”

“. Pah.” Jaden spat”. Edrin could have killed one of those with a flick of his little finger.”

“. You must remember.” Jacob said slowly.” Magic isn’t allowed on Netheron without special permissions, Edrin wasn’t the man he used to be, he’d grown old.” Jacob was sad himself; he had liked Edrin, though he hadn’t been as close to him as Jaden had.

Jaden nodded, and they bowed their heads in respectful silence for a few moments, then Jaden looked up, an angry fire in his eyes.” And the Box?”

Jacob smiled slowly.” Apparently he had a grandson whom he gave it to; he gave him orders to bring it to you actually. At the moment however I think he’s not sure what to do . . .”

Jaden looked surprised at this piece of news.” Well I’d better go get it then.”

Jacobs’s eyes hardened.” No Jaden, you have to leave this boy to his own path. You will get the Box in time. He’s not just any kid, he has a fate.”

Jaden frowned and was about to say something but Jacob cut him off.” Forget I ever told you about him, Jaden. Leave him alone. There’s something very . . . fishy about this whole business.”

Jaden frowned harder.” Does this have something to do with your mystery employer?”

Jacob nodded turning to look at the grassy courtyard inside the wall.” Goodbye Jaden.” He said, his voice pronouncing the finality of the statement.

Jaden grinned.” Fishy? Was that the best you could do?”

Jacob turned to give some sarcastic answer but the words died in his throat, Jaden had disappeared into thin air.

He shook his head and turned around, starting with surprise when he saw another man standing there, as though he had been listening to them the entire time.” Dracon Du’Renskold.” He growled, recognizing him instantly.” Have you been eavesdropping?”

Du’Renskold was a tall man, extremely heavily built, and always in his armor, he had long black hair, and blue eyes that, for the first time Jacob had ever seen, looked sad.” I didn’t want this.” He stated simply.

“. What?” Jacob asked, not understanding, he knew Du’Renskold was a hard, practical man, but he wasn’t evil.

“. I thought he’d stick around, I thought our friendship meant more to him than the throne.” Du’Renskold looked seriously regretful.

Jacob sighed.” It’s hard to face it when people make choices like that, but you pushed him, you pushed him hard.”

Du’Renskold nodded slowly, his eyes almost watering; he remembered the day that he had marched into the massive throne rooms, only three days after the disaster of TriPrand.

It had been a cold morning, and he was tired after three days of hard fighting, and angry after having gotten beaten, and he was in a terrible mood.

Jaden had sat as ever, on his massive golden throne, surrounded by his courtiers and servants, and when he had seen Du’Renskold he had stood and called him a welcome back.

“. I need to speak to you.” Du’Renskold had said, taking the kings arm and pulling him into the small room behind the throne.” TriPrand was lost.” He had stated simply, once they were alone.

Jaden hadn’t seemed too shattered by the news, troubled, but not overly so.

In a flash of anger Du’Renskold had reached forward and grabbed the massive, brocaded cloak, pulling the king so they were face to face, hissing angrily.” Jaden, you have to pull our men out of Netheron, if I had had all of my men today I wouldn’t come back in shame.”

Jaden had shaken his head.” No, I told you, I am king of Netheron as well as Arreland, we must protect Netheron. I won’t argue with you about it, you can’t convince me.”

“.This is about that damned king of theirs Arlon.” Du’Renskold had muttered.” Your old friend, you want to respect his memory? Well respect it without –“

Jaden had cut him off, angry himself now.” He was your friend as well, if you remember. Don’t make me have to tell you to leave; we’ve been friends for too long.”

Du’Renskold had stood, trying to take himself under control, slightly ashamed of himself. There had been a long pause.

“. But Jaden,” Du’Renskold had pleaded,” Arrels should never have to protect land that isn’t theirs, you are Arrel. Let the Nethers protect their own lands, please. You’re not even of the Nether line, you’re not king of Netheron and you know it. No man should have to die for something that he doesn’t believe in as right, no man.”

Jaden held up a placating hand.” Dracon, those men chose me as their king, in doing so they put themselves under my authority, under my decisions. They trusted me to make the right decisions, they believe in me to do what’s right, they made that choice. And we have to protect Netheron, for Arlons sake, and for Netherons sake, there are people there, families, children, we must protect them.”

“.BUT MY MEN ARE DYING!” Du’Renskold had roared furiously.” My men are out there, dying, dying, dying, if we don’t get our men all in one spot and face the Halavardes, soon there won’t be an Arreland to protect Netheron. Let Nethers protect Nethers.”

Jaden had pushed his angry friend back.” NO!” He had roared with finality.

Du’Renskold had stood, his anger gone, and replaced by pure bitterness.” Then I’ll make you.”

He had turned away and stormed out of the king’s presence.

It had taken him a couple of days to reason himself out of his anger, but he had, and had proposed that the people make a vote on which of the two of them they wanted as king.

The suggestion effectively ended their friendship, but Jaden believe the king served the people and not the other way around, and had little way to refuse . . . Jaden had been rejected by his own people nine to one. . .

But now that he looked back, Du’Renskold didn’t want Jaden to leave . . . he was still his friend . . .

Jacob shrugged.” Sorry, he won’t be coming back I think. The Halavardes are being very serious about this invasion, and he’ll soon see that there isn’t much he can do to stop it on his own.” He sighed sadly.” And Jaden Clasheron lives by one rule.”

Du’Renskold looked sidelong at Jacob.” What’s that?”

“. Never let yourself defeated. If you can’t win, then die trying.”


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Sun May 26, 2013 5:42 am
Picklesole wrote a review...



Hey there! Okay, I really like this chapter! (I like all of your chapters what am I talking about.) I like how you've brought in Jaden's POV, though I do agree with Ben down there that it was hard at points to differentiate between Jaden and Jacob. That's awesome that you've introduced magic into the story, it adds so much mystery! Just remember: with magic, there comes responsibility. :D But actually, now that you've incorporated magic into the novel, you'll need to add extra things like magic laws (I noticed one about magic being forbidden in Netheron) and also to what extent of magic is it possible to practice (if that makes sense.)

Here are some questions to consider:
1) Who can practice magic?
2) Does this magic change any laws of physics (such as gravity and so forth)
3) Is magic considered helpful or harmful?
4) Is magic practicing an art you go to school to learn, or is someone born with the ability?
5) What kind of magic is practiced? (Spells, physical powers, mind powers, etc.)

Yeah. That's kind of just the beginning of it, so keep those kinds of things in mind. When having a fantasy novel, the point usually is not to have it so crazy it's super unbelievable, but to create an alternate universe in which these things could really happen. So yes, keep those things in the forefront of your mind.

Next is the dialogue/vernacular. For the world you've set up, the characters speak very modern. For me, one of the most fun things doing is figuring out a cool jargon that is as common as our own way of speaking. Try experimenting with that, for currently the dialogue seems really out of place, and I'll look back and think "Did he really say that?" So something to consider.

Last note. When you're writing something that the character is thinking actively, change the tense to the present and italicize it. The only reason I didn't italicize mine is because I may have forgotten the BBC code thing for italicizing. Unless it's . Actually, I hope you don't mind me experimenting here on this review. Let's see if this will italicize. Okay, experiment done. :D




Picklesole says...


Oh cool, it worked! Yes! :D



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Fri Mar 01, 2013 8:18 pm
BenGrange wrote a review...



Let me just add one more thing while I'm still here.

Sometimes it is confusing to have two characters whose names begin with the same letter, especially if those two characters are close to each other. When readers read, they tend to notice the first letter of the name, and then pass over it. Rarely do people see "Jaden said" and read the whole thing. We see the "J" and know that it's Jaden speaking. When you have Jaden and Jacob, it's doubly hard, because the second letter is the same as well. Try changing Jaden to "Tjaden". This is a real name, I've a friend with this as his last name. changing this up will help the speed of your chapter - this is a good thing.

Also, I thought I'd share this website with you. It has taught me SO much about writing over the past few months. This guy, Brandon Sanderson, is a New York Times Bestselling Author, and has written so many good books. I love reading his work, and this site is him teaching a class on how to write fantasy novels. Check it out, it WILL help you.

http://www.writeaboutdragons.com/

Enjoy!






Wow, thanks.

I never actually that about that with the names. Will do for sure. Interesting name . . .

I'm checking it out here~



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Fri Mar 01, 2013 8:05 pm
BenGrange wrote a review...



Okay, here's an honest edit of your chapter. I'm going to put a lot of phrases here from above, and let you know what I think you can do to improve. Every quote I take from your chapter will be in chronological order, going from top to bottom.

the late king


"late" means he's dead. So unless he's a ghost, this should be a different adjective.

his favorite place to spend his time


If you take out the second "his", the statement will flow better.

Jaden turned, looking his friend over; he was the same as ever, short brown hair, a heavy chain mail suit covered by a vest depicting the raven that was his people’s symbol, and his eyes, deep, wise, and sad as ever.


We're going to fix this paragraph. Right now it's a single sentence. after "over;" put a . instead of a ;. after "ever," put a -- instead of a ,. Try shortening the next part to say something like "short brown hair, and a heavy chain mail suit over which he wore a vest. Embroidered across the vest, the symbol of his people--the raven--stood out in vibrant colors. His eyes remained deep, wise, sad."

now, deep and hearty.


Deep, hearty laughs usually denote happy laughs. This sounds like a depressing scene so far, so have him laugh darkly, or with pity.

If only it had been a bit better ratio


Take this and rephrase a bit. Say something like "If only the odds had been even!"

Granted that was a rather pessimistic view of life, not all of it was true all the time . . . but it was wise to expect little of people, and chances were you wouldn't be disappointed.


Rephrase the paragraph into something like this: "Granted, his was a rather pessimistic view of life. Jaden didn't believe it to be true in every circumstance, but it was wise to expect little of people. Chances were, he wouldn't be disappointed." Do you notice how the energy in this paragraph picks up, just from changing a few words around? See if you can notice it.

now that he wasn't King of Arreland anymore.


Change this to say "now that he was no longer King of Arreland."

“. It’s crazy . . . “


Rephrase this to say something like "It's madness . . . I'm not sure you'll like it."

[quote I recall some pretty crazy plans that you've come up with. What’s this one?” [/quote]

Rephrase this to say something like "I can recall several several maddening plans you've initiated in the past, why is this one different?"

“. I was actually thinking Netheron.”


When Jaden says this, what exactly is he thinking about doing. We know Jacob is shocked, but what does he want to do with Netheron? Invade? Help? Defend? Let the reader know!

“. What?! ”


We use "what?" in modern English as an expression of confusion. If you want to bring this across as more than just confusion, try something like "You want to do what?" Also, take out the ?! thing. You'll notice that in a lot of published works, this is never seen. Use italics to emphasize the ! and keep the ?.

Netheron needs help, they’re about to be invaded. I hear some of the nobles there are trying to make a stand, but they don’t stand a chance. I can give them the experience and power that they’ll need.” His argument was well thought over, and he was planning on going whether his brother-in-law wanted him too or not.


Let's go over this paragraph. The first sentence should actually be two sentences. If you look at them and separate them, you can tell that they can both stand on their own. So the comma should either be a period, or a dash. Instead of saying "I hear some of the nobles . . ." Try to sound sophisticated by saying something like "News from the regiment is that several nobles are building up standing armies, we both know that they are doomed without outside help." Rephrase the last sentence a bit. Say something like "He'd thought his plan through an hundred score--he had made his decision. Nothing Jacob said would sway his opinion."

Jacob looked worried; he knew that Jaden would as well.” Jaden, seriously? They’re farmers; they won’t even slow the Halavardes down. You’re practically suggesting taking on the entire Halavarde Empire on by yourself?!”


I don't understand what the first sentence is telling me. I know that Jacob looks worried, but what does the second part mean? You might just want to take it out. Words like "seriously" take us back to the mature voice we've talked about already. Say something to the effect of "You're not jesting, are you? They're farmers, Jaden! They will barely be able to slow the Halavardes progress. You can't take on the entire Halavarde army by yourself, with only a rabble of farmers behind you!"

Okay, we'll take a break here. This has taken me a while to do, so sorry for cutting off right in the middle of the chapter. We'll pick up back here tomorrow, or sometime later. Also, note that these are suggestions. You don't have to listen to a word I say, but if you want to improve your story, I would suggest thinking about the things I've said. One more thing. Don't take time to really go through and edit this right now. Write your story down. Finish it, get it all out of your head, and then go back and revise. Then go back and rewrite the whole thing (with the help of the revisions). You're going to be an awesome writer one day. And don't worry about deadlines right now. You have so much time ahead of you, and you are light-years ahead of many of the writers in the industry. Let me know if this was helpful, and I'll continue to do it. Thanks for letting me help you improve!

Your friend,
Ben




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Sun Feb 24, 2013 11:37 am
Auxiira wrote a review...



Hey Blackie! Auxii again!

Which chapter is this? I can see chapter 1,2,3 um chapter 6 I've looked at but I would like to have chapter 4 and 5 first so that I could follow...

Same mistakes with full-stops. I am going to break you out of that annoying habit, if it's the last thing I do.

Overall this ... side-chapter? Adds a lot more mystery to the story and I like it... When I learnt that Edrin had magic it was kinda... OMG so Tauren might have magic too? This is getting so magic filled it could be Aladdin! (that's good, I love Aladdin)...

ahem. Anyhow, keep writing!
Auxiira^^




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Sun Feb 24, 2013 1:17 am
Soulkana wrote a review...



Hi, black! Soulkana here to review!

First off, I enjoyed this chapter very much.

He stood, the wind whipping his long black hair about his scarred face, on the northern tower adjoining the keep’ outer wall.


I believe you meant to say keep's?

“.Jaden,”


You have a miss placed period. In fact almost all your dialogue seem to have spaces or periods or both at the beginning, you may want to fix those.

But overall,

I enjoyed this chapter immensely! I will have read the other parts to this if there are more, I am very intrigued about what's happening. Over all, besides your problems with the periods being miss placed, I find nothing else truly wrong with this in my opinion.

Hope this helps and good luck with your chapters!

Sincerely,
Soulkana<3





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