Young Writers Society

Hello there, and welcome to YWS! It's a pleasure to see you here!

Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

I really enjoy that you chose to make darkness a black cat. Interesting and nice.

However, there are some issues with this poem that need to be addressed.

1. This topic has been done before. Very done before. I'm sure that almost every poet at one time or another has written about darkness overtaking them. Now, you can still write about it. It's fine if you do. The problem is, if you do choose to write about such an overdone subject, you have to make the poem stand out and above the rest.
Unfortunately, this one does not.
Yet.
You can make it stand out. You've got a good start with the cat. Instead of saying that darkness follows her, why don't you make the cat darkness itself? I suggest you make a cat/prey metaphor and focus on that. Make sure you make it clear that the mouse is light. Mice are usually seen as pests, but I think that you can do it.
Another thing that would make this poem stand out more is more interesting vocabulary. You use a lot of rather dull words. Use a thesaurus to help you, although make sure you know exactly what a word in the thesaurus means before you put it into your poem.

2. Your poem is very long. In poetry, less is more. You have lots of words that just kind of sit there and only serve to dull the poem. I could probably write a poem with a similar meaning in five lines:
Cat slinks through deep snow
ushering armies of blue footsteps
to ice my heart.
I clutch at the light
but Cat has caught prey.
Now, I'm not saying you should cut your poem down to that short, or that you should use that style. I'm saying you can eliminate tons of words without dulling the meaning of the poem, and I encourage you to do so. I had a difficult time making it all the way through the poem.

3. There are a few glaring cliches in this poem that you need to revise. I've seen exactly the same ideas as these over and over:

Wear a mask of happiness,
to deceive the others
and yourself.

But deep down you know.
It’s holding you tight,
claws holding on to you,
dragging you out of the world of happiness…

And the smell of despair,
taste of blood,
the hands of sorrow grabbing you …
This is how it ends.
Your soul is torn apart.

I really like this! Great metaphors, ideas, and description.

No real critique except use more synonyms for some of the words.

I love your poem!!!

I enjoyed reading this poem because of the different techniques you used. The personification of darkness was used well and also the cat. It’s very clear that the cat is one of the main motifs within the poem and I like the progression it takes throughout the poem. I also like the comparison of black and white and light and darkness. It’s written in a simple manner but it’s sophisticated at the same time.

Welcome to the website by the way!

thank you both for the comments

i will sure try to think of what you said when i write my next pieces to make them better

thanks !

Yes, this is a review

I love this a lot, and while it was dark it was beautifully written. The metaphor of the cat being darkness and death coming upon a person is very creative and just simply beautiful. I enjoyed the flow of this too, the contrast of short and long lines helps the rhyme scheme stay the way you wanted it to and I thought it was great. The imagery is almost real, especially the blood, soul, and the "army of blue." Great imagery, creativity, flow, and overall loveliness, yes loveliness, in this poem. Great Job.

Okay tteele my name's Soulkana and I'll be reviewing this lovely poetry today!

Kay lets start out with the I absolutely love this poem for the following reasons:
You show great imagination and imagery in your words and that's good. It was suspenseful to me and I enjoyed the reading and hope that what I have to say can help you.

Kay some things you might want to change: First there seems to be an extra space before Sun in your first stanza and thought I should point it out. Second some of your lines seem exceptionally longer than the others and I felt like it disrupted the flow of your poetry just a bit but again that's an opinion.

Your grammar seems to work find for what I can tell. And the punctuation seems all fine to me but I'm not good with either of those as my english teacher's homework will show heh.

Overall, this was a lovely piece of poetry and I will be looking for more from you ^^ I hope my review helps and can't wait to read more. Have a good day and good job!

--Soulkana<3