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Young Writers Society


12+

The Writer

by Tigersprite


NOTE: This is the first thing I've posted here in ages. Submitting it now is strangely refreshing. Anyway, please don't hold back on this one. Rip it apart. Hate it and drag it through the mud and back again. Tell me if you hate the style. I'd be especially interested to know if this would catch your eye as a novel's opening. Just please be honest.

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“Spin her around,” they might have said. “Go on, dizzy up the girl.” Whatever the truth, those are the words which have stayed in your head. They first sought out your mind in the hospital room and they congealed there during the hours spent running your eyes over every broken patient, broken nurse; broken vending machine. Now you are not sure, never were sure, that the words were said at all. In fact you know that they were not. But on the nights when your girl breaks out screaming (every night) and you wipe the sweat from her pale head (and your wife, she goes to cradle your half-waking boy) these are the first words that come to you. First words on the pink tongue. They bring some kind of peace to you. Like the words ringing hollow from the lips of the local preacher man with all their religious gauze. Listen to me sinner or die, they say, but you say that you have already died.

The next time you leave the house on your own (after the single month which has extended itself like the hands of God to you all) the world is greyer than it once was before. Like the aftermath of a long war in whose wake only ash and an encroaching sense of death remain. You are looking for life of some sort, some empty echo of happiness to resume a broken social order, but death’s hands have run out ahead of you. In the early morning half-light of the late risen sun and the shadows of streetlamps, your street is perfectly monochrome. A perfect painter’s chiaroscuro of black and white, complemented by the odd dash of grey. You turn to go back inside, but your boy has woken and he looks at you with your own eyes. Trains, he says. Trains, you tell him, are not running today. But he has your eyes and it is in his knowledge when you lie. Trains, he says again, and within the hour it is you and your boy walking the roads of a town you no longer know.

Your boy is quiet on the journey out. You are taking him to London. He watches beads of concentration bleed down the tawny windowpane. The solemnity of the winter sweeping over your home has stifled him, caught his natural temperament and thrown away the key. Out of the corner of your eye, you can see him speaking under his breath in the way you do yourself. Moving his lips like a redemption-seeking man in prayer. You are about to tell him to stop, but then he looks at you and asks you if his sister will be okay. You pretend not to have heard, and facing the windowpane across you watch the condensation bleeding down the window.

Travelling to London to see Clark. Grey city and loud grey people and nothing much to see that you have not already seen. The gnarled and dead landmarks of a former thought-great Empire and then wraithlike creatures who are cursed to be its denizens. Forever and they do not know it. When you get to the office the boy goes to sit in the waiting room, flipping through the magazines. He looks bored and thoroughly uninterested and you don’t know what to do so you leave him and retreat to the front desk.

The receptionist is short and thin with bear-brown eyes and a naked grin. She is new, because she smiles at you, even as you frown and spit the words from your mouth: ‘David Clark. Fool in the suit. Floor Two.’


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147 Reviews


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Wed Feb 20, 2013 6:43 pm
Tigersprite says...



Thanks everybody for the constructive criticism. I think one of the main problems I've had is the fact that I've been writing for myself for so long; I haven't been able to share my manuscript with anyone around me. Reminds me how great it is to have a community of also-aspiring writers here. I certainly understand what you all mean about the lack of direction--I think I've clearly been spending too long trying to make the words 'sound nice' without moving on the plot. Not back to the drawing board, but I am certainly going to go and revise significant parts of the novel (certainly involving this character--their POV is perhaps the worst offender). Thanks! :D

EDIT: And the thing about Clark was because I only wanted to post about 600 words here and cut out this excerpt awkwardly--a long conversation follows straight after. But I'll look into integrating that better with the description, too.




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Wed Feb 20, 2013 2:19 pm
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carbonCore wrote a review...



Midterms have a way of sneaking up on you, and aside from all the other joys they bring, it seems I am late to the party in reviewing this piece... most of what I wanted to say had already been said by Kafka and Dogs.

This is beautiful prose, Tigra, but it goes nowhere. This is the kind of diction you would write a poem with, not a short story or a novel. My good friend E. D. Evgenievich, now a published writer, is excellent at setting up atmosphere in a scene -- but he does it with only one off-hand observation, perhaps about how the crows stare solemnly at the village from the skeletal trees mid-winter. That's it. No more fluffy descriptions, nothing else. Just action after that. The funny thing is that it actually works. That one single well-crafted mood sentence sets the tone for everything following it, right up until the end of the chapter.

Setting this kind of tone will also help you slim down on your adjectives and superfluous similes -- "Moving his lips like a redemption-seeking man in prayer" -- this sentence, for example, could have been cut because I have already seen him speaking in a quietly desperate way. In fact, quite a lot of this can be cut without losing any content. But it hurts to cut, doesn't it? Because this is beautiful prose and you've put much effort into crafting it in this way. This is why I just recently found an older YWSer here and thanked him for the most important writing advice I've ever been given -- good writing is NOT FUN. It's painful, slow, painfully slow.

A while ago I wrote like this, too. I still do it now to one degree or another, but I try to control it, and cut any stuff that doesn't really drive the plot forward. The novella I'm working on right now is about 9k words in length, out of the total 20k words I've written for it. More than half of it is cut already, and it's not even finished yet, though I'm getting there.

To answer the question you posed at the beginning of this piece, no, I don't think this would work as an introduction in its current state. It does not excite me. It's beautiful but there's no hook. There's no contrast between what was and what is, there are no elaborations on what was lost. I feel no emotional connection to the characters, and I could not care less who David Clark could possibly be, as he shows up out of sweet nowhere.

However, as I'd stated before, the prose really is beautiful, and I think you would be able to craft wonders -- if you put your gift with words to work on only a couple of sentences per chapter, and not on 90% of the content. The rest needs to be filled with action and characters and plot, because at the end of the day, that's what drives a novel.

Your suited fool,
cC




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Wed Feb 20, 2013 4:14 am
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Kafkaescence wrote a review...



Tigersprite, I don't think I've ever given you a full review. Overall, I enjoyed reading this. I enjoyed the diction. The second paragraph is by far the strongest and I think carries this piece. The fourth is powerful as well.

Would I continue reading this? No. Aside from the imagery, there wasn't too much I liked about this. In the way of plot, the messy first paragraph does a poor job of easing the reader into the rhythm of your story as it's unnecessarily vague and unfocused; it's a meandering introduction and doesn't give me a particularly strong sense of either place or character.

Now you are not sure, never were sure, that the words were said at all. In fact you know that they were not.

I mean, what? I like a dense Morrison-esque opening just as much as the next reader, but I'd like to feel at least somewhat grounded. This was sort of like a big mass of information that I wasn't really able to decode. There are moments where you have the opportunity to give me a taste of what's going on (the car ride, and the train thing which was poetic but not realistic enough to draw me in. Try aiming for situational rather than verbal poetry, if that makes any sense.); I recommend you take them.

For whatever reason, this felt more like the beginning of a short story than a novel. Possibly it's because rather than focusing on story details and characters and thoughts and chronology and setting, you focus on stuff that doesn't really have much to do with anything, like raindrops. In a short story all seemingly unimportant details could be, no, should be interpreted as symbolism as all details are important in a short story, but in a novel they could mean nothing and usually do. And there are so many little details here.

I didn't like the ending. It was like a streak of red against a gray backdrop, if that makes any sense. It was formal and blunt. It didn't fit. And who's the fool in the suit? It leaves some to be desired.

But the style was good as far as imagery goes, to answer your question. I hope this helped in some way.

-Kafka




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Tue Feb 19, 2013 4:15 am
Holysocks says...



Hello there! I would like to say first, that I really liked that you used second person in your story.

Then on the other hand I found the text way too thick and often caught myself day dreaming as a result.
Maybe if you added some dialogue it might make things more free and fun to read.

I think I should read it again though, because I'm having trouble remembering what all happened.
That's most likely not your fault, there was a lot going on around me when I read it.


I'm so sorry I couldn't think of more to say, (my brain is hicupping.) anyway I definately would like
to see more of your writing.




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Tue Feb 19, 2013 12:12 am
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dogs wrote a review...



Hello there Tiger! Dogs here with your review. Well to start welcome back to YWS, I'm glad you posted something again. Ok, well as requested I'll cut to the chase on this review. Let's dive in now shall we?

To start, you have a good first sentence, way to just throw the reader into the middle of the action. That start always has potential because it grabs the readers attention right off the bat. Although, I don't like your writing style for the first paragraph. There is too much poetic describing and random pieces of information that can lead to the reader just trailing off and losing interest. The first paragraph should be clear and create a clear image or description or point that you're trying to use to introduce the reader into the piece. Don't get me wrong, you have so just fantastic descriptions and great writing, but especially for an opening it's a tad too much. Just cut to the chase, get to the point or image you're trying to show us and than show us it. Don't give us all this poetic description and everything for the first paragraph, you can add that in later on in your writing but not for an opening.

Also, on a side note, you should never use parenthesis unless it is entirely necessary. If what you have to say is important enough for the reader to know about it, incorporate it into your sentence without the parenthesis. The break up the flow of the sentence and make it a tad bit choppy. Of course, that's just my opinion.

"Like the aftermath of a long war in whose wake is only ash and an encroaching sense of death remain"

Ok, here is an example of too much description, it's wonderfully written and has excellent imagery, but it comes across as if you're trying too hard. Say what you're trying to say but with small amount of descriptive words. Otherwise the reader becomes overwhelmed in your metaphors and descriptions, I'm a poet myself and I have this issue with my short stories/ novels.

"A perfect painter's chiaroscuro of black and white, complemented by the odd dash of grey"

Now here is an excellent line, it's too the point and not superfluous. I think you should cut out most all of your other descriptors of the grey and just use this. I think to give you an example go look at McCarthy's book The Road. He is the master at using excellent description with to the point images and what not.

"Trains, he says"

This should be under dialogue and with quotation, also you should put a new paragraph here for the dialogue. Furthermore, this paragraph doesn't seem to connect to the beginning in which I thought we were talking about a nurse, and now it's a Father walking into a room to talk to his son. Also, who is "you" that the narrator keeps referring about? The ambiguity of your writing at this point leaves us a little too confused.

Ok, ending, quite confusing. You say: "even as you frown and spit the words from your mouth: 'David Clark. Fool in the suit. Floor two." I'm confused at this point because it seems like the new lady would be saying this to the man, but the way your phrase it, it's the man saying this to the new lady. So I don't know what to make of that.

All and all you have some good writing, just a little too good. Try to make your point clearer, get to your point and than prove your point and than move on. Don't create so much imagery and metaphors that the reader is drowning in them. I hope my comments were helpful. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032





So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install a lovely bookcase on the wall.
— Roald Dahl