z

Young Writers Society



When I Close My Eyes

by AwesomeSauce


The imagination, what is it to you? Is it that part of the brain that makes you see things, or is it something bigger? When you dream, what do you dream about? Do you dream about the wonders of the world or what you did today? I don’t know about you, but the imagination to me is one thing, it’s my home place. The place belongs to me, it lives within my mind. As I close my eyes, you should see what I mean.

Its autumn, leaves scattering the paths below me. I look up, seeing that the wind is about to pick up. We have a stroll across the pathway, couples chattering away or people walking past in a hurry. The men with their suits while the women with their knees length dresses, swaying as the wind touches the brim of their dresses. Laughter of boys and girls ring throughout my ears as they push one another, disappearing into the town. I look to my left, people listening to their music, or dancing throughout the streets with the local bands. I smile, walking into town.

Old fashioned buildings cover the streets, standing tall and proud. The oak doors are open; people rush in to buy the latest gadgets and toys. I glance in one of the windows, chuckling as one of the customers is arguing with the shop owner, demanding for a refund. The latest music singles reaches my ears when I stroll around my town, humming the tune that goes with it. People start to chat in the towns square, either arguing or laughing away. The town square is in the heart of the town, beating its heart as people walk in. The fountain’s water shines as the sun kisses it, making me squint a little. I look into the fountain water, staring blankly at my appearance.

The wind picks up a little as people begin to hold onto their hats. At first, I wonder why people hold their hats down, but then I realise. My hat flies off my head as I begin to run after it, not caring if people stare in confusion or amusement. It flies off into the park, I begin to wonder why. I run after the cotton hat, stopping as I reached the lake. It had landed on top of the water, sitting there all damp and wet. I close my eyes, holding a hand out in front of me. The wind picks up making my dress move to one side, my hair doing the same. However, I don’t focus on that, just the wind. I take a deep breath, opening my eyes, which are glowing aqua. The hat lifts into the air, landing on my head once more.

I laugh; things are so much simpler in my world. I feel myself growing tired, I’m out of energy. I stroll back to my home, opening the door. It’s a small home, with only two floors and modern furniture. A bookcase is seen on the left side of the wall, a glass door to the right. That door opens the back yard, the mighty garden of my palace. To walk through that would be quite a challenge, even I never got through it at times. The green hedges begin from the pond, making a maze as people walk through it. However, I don’t want to do this, I want to go and sleep. I walk up the stair case, landing on top of my bed. I sigh, closing my eyes.

I open my eyes to see your confused face staring down at me, raising a brow. Why are you so confused? That is my home, which is my imagination. It’s where I belong the most.


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Sun Feb 24, 2013 5:28 am
Snoink wrote a review...



AwesomeSauce! I love your name! It is awesomesauce! :D

Okay, okay… enough fooling around! Your story!

I liked the setting that you had created! It was clear and I could totally see the people lined up and arguing and just living life. And the whole idea of the protagonist running after his hat crazily was also amusing too!

Still… one thing that was kind of odd was that this story didn’t really have a plot in it. It was more of a setting, but that was it. So, instead of resembling a story, it more resembled a character sketch of your main character, or a setting sketch of the world you’re in. It needs to have a plot before it can be a story! What does your protagonist confront? How does he confront it? Does he succeed? This is the stuff that stories are made of!

The very beginning and very end were also kind of weird. Why are you being apologetic about having an imagination and wanting to go there? It seems like you are, and this feels odd. Or maybe you’re bragging about your imagination? In either case, I would just advise to get rid of that part and just dump us in the actual story. I think it would be better this way!

Good luck! :D




AwesomeSauce says...


Thanks, Snoink.
This was for a contest actually. The person is talking to you. Yeah, some things of mine don't make any sense...^^; Still, life goes on, eh?



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Mon Feb 18, 2013 11:28 pm
dogs wrote a review...



"it's my home place"

I think you should replace "Place" with a different word just to try to depict the the sacred place of the imagination. Maybe try palace or kingdom or something along those lines.

"I look up seeing that the wind is about to pick up"

This line is a little awkward because of the double "up" in the same sentence. Also i really don't think it adds anything to your paragraph, it breaks up the describing path you were on. Maybe just cut it out if necessary.

"the latest music singles reaches my ears when I stroll..."

You have some odd tense changing going on in this line, firstly "reaches" should be "reach," secondly "when" should be "as."

"The wind picks up a little as people being..."

Try to omit all useless words whenever you can. Cut out "a little" here. Just to help the flow.

"The wind picks up making my dress move..."

Ok, I thought that your main character was a boy until this point. You should try to make it clearer that it's a girl earlier in the piece.

"a bookcase is seen on the left side..."

Again try to cut out all useless words whenever you can. Try saying: "a bookcase lies on the left side..."

Ok, your ending is a little confusing because we have no way of knowing that you dragged your audience along with you into your fantasy world. Maybe say something like "take my hand" and describe your audience being with you in the fantasy world. Also, I think that you should maybe make your fantasy land a little more perfect and absurd. Just to really frame the fact that it is a fantasy, it didn't even seem like one until you used the wind to get your hat. All and all and excellent idea and topic for a piece, just needs a tad bit of editing and you'll be raring to go. Let me know if you ever need a review. keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




AwesomeSauce says...


Thanks for helping me!




I do not use my siblings as the cleaning equipment.
— Tuckster