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The Tears Wouldn't Come

by Questio

No. Not her. This couldn't happen. Not to her. She was a survivor.

Cassy lifted the gun she had found abandoned in a car last week, blowing off the head of the... thing that clung to her. It's once human body crumpled to the ground, where it was swarmed by the hungrier members of it's pack. Not horde, not posse, pack. These people were animals now.

She turned to run, only to find another once ready to bite off her face. It tried, but Cassy shot out it's brains, too, splattering the thing's already gory dress with gray goo and blood.

She ran and ran, the blood welling from the cresent-shaped scratch in her arm. Just a scratch. She was getting nauseous, the first sign of the Turning. No, please. Please God, don't do this...

But if God was still there, he wasn't listening.

She stopped in the middle of an abandoned freeway and puked behind an old dusty Subaru. One of the creatures- the Turned- was still inside, held back from spreading it's disease by it's seatbelt.

When she was done vomiting, Cassy blew a hole in it's brain, too. Once she would've saved her ammo, but none of that mattered now.

She was bit.

Everyone who got bit Turned, that's just how it was. A year ago, if a person bit her she could've called the police and gotten whoever into a mental hospital. Now, even if phones did work, anyone she called would be dead.

She leaned against the Subaru, checking her ammo. One bullet left.

She was bit anyway, it didn't matter. She lifted the gun, a single tear rolling down her dirty cheek. Just one. She supposed that after the past year, the dead rising, her boyfriend trying to eat her, her mother and father stuffing their faces with her little sister... The tears wouldn't come anymore.

She heard more moans of the Turned. All the Originals couldn't moan, they were dead. But the Turned, they were alive. Just not... Human.

"I won't let that happen," she whispered, the bite on her arm burning. She felt the cold metal barrel of the gun on her temple, but she didn't feel anything else. For a moment, everything stopped. Cassy couldn't hear the Turned, couldn't feel the pain in her arm, couldn't see the ruins of her old hometown.

She could only feel the gun on her temple.

Cassy pulled the trigger.

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166 Reviews

Points: 1135
Reviews: 166

Mon Jul 15, 2013 12:21 am
Cheetah wrote a review...

Woah. Just woah. This. Was. Amazing. Not many stories pull me in, especially apocalyptic ones, but this was so descriptive and clear in just the right way, I could see it all happen right in front of me. I'm pretty sure I didn't blink once the whole time I was reading this story. I don't know if I should mess it up with a review, but I'll do a brief one with no spelling or grammar edits.
In the first paragraph after you say "She was a survivor" How about saying "Not like one of them." or "Not like the others." The style of brief sentences in the first paragraph is usually ended with something final sounding so I think that inserting one of those sentences would be a good idea.
Secondly, I was a bit confused because at first Cassy was thinking of the scratch she had. But later you said she had been bit. Maybe you could find a way to make that clear at first? It might just be me that's confused and I got it eventually so that might not need editing- your call on that one.
This last one is just a suggestion really, since it's so small. After she puked behind the car you might want to have the Turned creature "held back by a seatbelt." That edit is totally optional and really small so it's okay if you choose to ignore it.
Other than that it was great!! Keep on writing!

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68 Reviews

Points: 505
Reviews: 68

Sun Jul 14, 2013 10:35 pm
cgirl1118 wrote a review...

Got your PM!

This is amazing! I really love it even more now. Anything that has to do with some kind of zombie apocalypse is always good.

1. "abandoned in a car last week, blowing off the head of the... thing that clung to her. " maybe you could change this to "Abandoned in a car last week, blowing the head off of the... thing that clung to her."
It sounds better and is much more smoother.

2. "She turned to run, only to find another once ready to bite off her face." I think you meant "She turned to run, only to find another one ready to bite off her face".

3. " It tried, but Cassy shot out it's brains, too" You don't need the comma before the too.

I think that's it! Great job and can't wait to read more!

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46 Reviews

Points: 1396
Reviews: 46

Sat Jul 13, 2013 11:00 pm
Xreigon wrote a review...

Ooooooo...I like it! Good job! I can see where you went back from the other one and tried to give a bit of background. This one should go first. Perhaps to add on to what you already have, you could go back further. What is her story? For an idea, if you wanted to start like this, you could have her flashing back on the past year or so right before she pulled the trigger. This could be a good opening scene if you took out some of the facts about the Turned and Originals! Those would be my ideas on how to take this sample further. You might could stretch the scene out a little more. What was her plan for going out? Why was she by herself?

Good job! You have a fan! Keep writing!

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11 Reviews

Points: 289
Reviews: 11

Sat Jul 06, 2013 10:50 pm
MelawenWillow wrote a review...

This was captivating. I only wish it wasn't so short. I am personally not the biggest fan of zombies or zombie-like creatures, but i think you're really onto something here. It's very unique, but in a world where everyone is fascinated with the idea of a Zombie apocalypse, maybe you could add some more detail to make it REALLY stand out. Now, I'm not the expert on the Turned, so I leave it up to you, but maybe would be fun to include unique,surprising details about them that make the reader go, "holy frijole!"
I think your writing style is absolutely perfect! I really want to know what happens to Cassy!! I can't help but think that this would be great as a movie. Just sayin'.

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1314 Reviews

Points: 23411
Reviews: 1314

Tue Feb 19, 2013 2:40 pm
Hannah wrote a review...

What is here that hasn't been written before?

I'm not discounting your effort. I'm not saying, "Feel like you wrote something completely meaningless", but I am asking you to honestly consider what is written in this piece that has not been written before? Can you think of something? It's not a lot, is it? We've done zombies. We've done single tears. We've done suicides in the face of monsters. We've done moaning and brains blown out in cars and burning bites.

We haven't done (or at least I haven't seen) the history of being able to check people into a mental hospital ('cause isn't shooting and fighting more interesting than trying to toe the line between crazy and diseased?), or the mom and dad eating the sister. Those are the two only things in this piece that interested me.

Sometimes it takes a writing experiment to find the real engaging part of our writing. I think, as I said, it's good that you've written this, and now you need to take what is new and exciting and focus more clearly on that. Suicide in this situation is not new. Not to be jaded or dismiss the extreme amount of emotion that would go into such an act, but you didn't seem up to exploring that emotion, so you might want to go with one of your other plot seeds! I'd be super interested by the emotions around the mental hospital phase or the story of her parents and the sight of her little sister. What happened? How did she not try to save her?

I hope this is helpful, I really do. There's still a lot left to explore with zombie stories (at least from what I've read), so I think you can go a lot of ways, but this isn't one of them.

PM me if you have any questions.

Good luck and keep writing!

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662 Reviews

Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

Mon Feb 18, 2013 6:44 pm
dogs wrote a review...

"blowing off the head of the... thing that clung to her"

Howdy doo Questio! Dogs here again with your review. To start off I think you have an excellent start, throwing the reader right into the middle of the action. The only problem I have with this line is that I don't like the dot dot dot that you use. It just breaks the flow of your writing, just use a comma instead here.

"It's once human body"

It's in a contraction for it is. So this should be "its" and not "it's" common error that I make all the time.

"only to find another once ready to bite off her face"

You mean "one" and not "once" here. Also you should describe the beast that's attacking her. Also you need to set up a little bit more of a scene for us to figure out where you are. It's a little ambiguous right now.

"shot out it's brains"

Again, same issue. It's is it is. You mean its.

"she was bit"

you should say "she was bitten."

"her mother and father stuffing their faces with her little sister"

ooooo I like the gruesome image you set up for us here. Just blood curdling, nice job there.

Interesting ending here, I think it was a little predictable here. I certainly saw it coming and there wasn't much in here that just took me down a path that I would never have expected to go down. Good writing though, your flow is, as always, good. Just do some more editing and grammar work and you'll be looking good. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032

okay I think I need to grab some nachos
— BluesClues