Young Writers Society

I like this piece! It has several dimensions to it but I think it’s more of a satire. First of all, I love the choppy complex sentences in the first paragraph and throughout the story because it highlight’s the narrator’s delusional state of mind. Also the rhetorical questions portray his insanity and how he has lost contact with reality and can’t comprehend his morals. The ending shows more about the narrator because he has gladly accepted the fact that she is dead and he fine with it but he still remains calm thus answering the question if he is insane and yes he’s definitely insane!

Hello Ractavia,
I must say wow, this is a big leap from the last short story I read by you.
The first paragraph is all choppy, with a lot of fragmented sentence but I'm sure that this is suppose to show how crazy and unstable the narrator actually is. When I first heard blood, I had just thought she was on her period... XD But in the end she ended up dead? This seemed like a huge jump from the bottle being smashed on her head. Maybe just clarify how the whole death thing happened. Hearing the narrator explain it would give me a better sense of how insane he really is.

"Too perfect in my mind at least. And there she was"

Hello there Ractavia, Dogs here with your review. Ok, I like how you start with the "too perfect" bit from the narrator, it gives us a small snipit of what his character is going to be like. Couple quick things here though, you should try to never start a sentence and especially not a fragment sentence with "and." Also, if you can avoid using a fragment sentence in your writing do so. Finally, this seems like such a huge on the dot turn of thought. Because you have the inner monologue from the narrator and than BOOM there she was, maybe describe her walking into somewhere. Just to make that transition a little smoother.

"But even before than. It was so perfect I guess"

Ok, again the fragment sentences, you're really throwing a lot of them in your writing. Try to blend them just to make your writing smoother. So put a comma there instead of a period.

"And now it's even worse. Now she's completely gone"

Wait, back up here. You never described her leaving and you just described seeing her and than POOF with a pop of unseen smoke she disappears? It's a little confusing, again use a comma instead of a period, also don't start this sentence with "and" if you can avoid it.

I like it when you describe the white sand and the ocean blue, that's some good imagery you have here. Maybe try adding that style of writing to the rest of your piece.

"but she didn't want it. She would have no part in it."

Ok for firstly, you know what I'm gonna say here. Comma it up my friend! Also, at this point I am so confused because didn't you just say the narrator had sex with the girl? And now you're saying that "she didn't want it." Not sure how this is jumping around.

"although she's dead"

Woah Woah Woah. Back way up here, you just said that you broke a beer bottle on her head and that she was knocked out but still breathing. Now just kaboof she starts bleeding and dies. There are some serious plot gaps in this piece. You have some nice imagery and descriptions, interesting way of playing off the fact that it was all the innocent teasing girl's fault. But definitely try to clarify your point so the reader isn't so confused. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Hi ractavia, here are my thoughts on how to improve this:

Right now, we have this juvenile Lolita-type character who feels completely unsympathetic. Unsympathetic! How can we sympathize with that?

Well, as a narrator, we should at least be empathetic, and to try to understand how the narrator feels. And you even have those elements in here: the explanations and rationalizations. But the narrator is so dense and foolish that any sort of rapport we might establish with him is quickly eviscerated. With Nabokov's character, the man was extremely intelligent and knew exactly what deep down he was doing. But the evil inherent in it never quite translated back to him.

The girl is also this completely archetypal object. And while that may be the narrator's m.o. I think it would do well for us to see the objectification in action rather than him simply talking about a yellow bikini. He must make that yellow bikini his obsession.

This is all really tough to speak about and this piece is very daring for trying what it does. You've certainly hit that creepy factor, but I found myself entirely bored during the whole thing. It's not quite convincing enough. It's awkward talking about making pedophilia and rape "more real", but I think if it's handled trivially, it really detracts from the actual acts as human barbarism.

Lastly, I think it would be important to show that this narrator is an individual who does his own thing differently from others like him. Right now he could be a cardboard cutout of any molester-type that walks the streets. He's not unique. Imagine how much thought was put into characters such as Hannibal Lecter. He was so unique and horrifying that some in the audience even began to sympathize with him! Same with Nabokov's Humbert Humbert and that is where the true power of the novel lies.

How can we empathize with this sickness, indeed?