z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Slayer

by Questio


Dessa stood in the corner of her cramped room, looking into the small reflection pool in the middle, the refracted light coming off the water lighting up her already beautiful face, trying to figure out why she felt like she was missing something.

Her tan tunic was wrinkle free, her fiery red hair freshly cut to the length of a man's, her boots were shined, and her emerald-green sword sharpened and polished until it shone like magic when the sun hit it. What was she missing?

Looking around the room, her brilliant sea-blue eyes landed on her small oak chest at the foot of her cot. Crossing over to it, she opened it with a slow squueeeakk. Inside, resting on top of her spare clothes, sword cleaning items, and unfinished paintings, was her mothers necklace. Looking at it, she felt tears starting up behind her eyes, as always when she thought of her mother.

Dessa picked up the necklace carefully, turning it in her newly washed fingers. It's flower pendant sparkled like everything seemed to on this bright, warm day, each petal different. Without thinking, Dessa lifted it over her head and put it on. Jewelry may have been against the rules, but who cares. Today was special; she would need her mother's blessing.

Dessa was ready to walk out the door, ready to start her new life -or end it- but found that she was... scared. She mentally kicked herself. Don't get scared now, you're ready for this. You've been training for years.

But she was scared. Not of today, but of the change, she realized, her hand on the brass doorknob. She looked around behind her, thinking, This is the last time I see this room. Even if she was successful today, her things would be sent to her new quarters. She took everything in, feeling like this was the first time she'd ever seen it. Her low cot, with it's bearskin blankets, her small desk, the wooden walls covered by her artwork, the reflection pool. This room had been her home for ten years. And now she was leaving it behind.

She stepped out onto the deck, warm wind whipping around her so high up. She remembered when she first came here. She'd been so awed by all the trees, and dumbfounded to find that everyone lived in holes carved magically out of the trunks, some so big that one couldn't see the top from the ground. The deck that circled her tree was abandoned, unusual for this time of day. Usually, other trainees would be out here waiting for their classes to start, casting spells at each other and sword fighting and lounging around talking or reading. Not today. Today, all her friends were taking their final tests, hoping to become a part of the greatest group of warriors Trephia had ever seen. Kinjaj, Mudel, Hedgel, Estfor. Now it was Dessa's turn.

She made her way down the spiraling deck until she reached the ground. Once there, she found that Almizag and Phrell were waiting for her. They were both dressed in their ceremonial clothes: green robes trimmed in gold and shining gold armor with fluttering green cloth squares on the shoulders, respectively. She bowed to the wizard but only nodded her head to the knight. Today, they were equals.

"You're ready then?" Almizag said in his humorously high voice, raising his wand. He was new to the Wizard Order, but everyone respected his ability.

"Yes sir. I'm ready," Dessa answered, her voice showing all the confidence she felt.

"You do realize," Phrell said, his tone warning, "that we cannot save you if anything goes wrong. If you fail, you will die. And if you return without fulfilling the deed, you will be branded a traitor and a deserter." Dessa had come to respect the knight, even if he got on her nerves constantly. He was a little older than most other knights, but he still liked to laugh, despite his strictness. He was a bit of a contradiction.

"I realize this," Dessa said, her voice showing her confidence. "If I don't do this, I've wasted ten years of my life."

Almizag smiled ever so slightly, and raised his wand, whispering softly with his eyes closed. The wind picked up, drawn to the magic that was happening. The wand began to glow blue, and Almizag's robes fluttered.

And in the next second, Dessa wasn't there anymore. She stood at the mouth of an enormous cave, her head spinning from the teleportation spell. The cave mouth was big enough to let in enough daylight to make out the piles of boulders that littered the cavern floor like the skeletal remians of a once majestic mountain. She drew her sword, the familiar hissing sound of the metal scraping the leather scabbard calming her racing heart. This is it.

She slowly clambered down into the cave, her shadow stretching out like a scout in front of her. The rules of the final test said that trainees weren't allowed to know what kind of beast they were to kill, but if they did they were to take a trophy off it's body and teleport back to the City of Trees. To teleport back without killing it would get you the harsh penalty that all deserters received.

Climbing over the sharp rocks, Dessa wished they were also allowed better armor. Her tunic was ripped in ten places in five minutes of clambering over boulders and... skeletons!

Dessa jumped back, waving her sword around in front of her, biting back a scream. Stupid, they can't hurt you, she thought, they're already dead.

But what had killed them? Dessa crouched down to examine the nearest remains. The poor man -if it was a man- had been... burned. The bones were blackened and charred, and his armor had been melted and cooled, based on the shape and color of it. There was no flesh left on his skin, but that didn't stop him from stinking.

Now that she was paying attention, she noticed that there were layers upon layers of weird smells in the cave. That moist, earthy smell common in caves, the stinking corpses that almost blended in with the rocks, and that strange smell that could only be detected around... reptiles.

Think, Dessa, think,

she told herself, what kind of lizard has control over fire, lives in caves, and would be considered enough of a threat for a trainee to try and kill?

Dessa racked her mind looking for an answer, climbing even deeper into the cave. The rocks began to look darker, as did her clothes. Dessa pulled a finger across a boulder. It came away black, and smelling of soot and ashes.

Eventually, it got began to get darker in the cave, even with a mouth that big no cave could stay bright all the way through, and the sun was likely lowering anyway. Dessa raised her sword up in front of her face, and whispered "Luminae." The sword began to glow green, lighting her path, and she felt a stab of pride at being able to make and enchant such a weapon.

Nearly an hour after being teleported to the cave, Dessa began to doubt that she was in the right place. She had to be hundreds of feet beneath the surface, yet the closest thing to a live creature that needed taken care of were the corpses nearer to the mouth.

The boulders and rocks that had littered the floor got smaller and smaller, until the floor had no sign of any rocks or boulders at all, at least not in Dessa's short line of sight. Everything (which was limited to the bedrock cave floor and dust motes) was an eerie shade of green in the enchanted light of Luminae.

Ding!

Dessa nearly jumped out of her skin, whipping her sword up in a two-handed grip. What was that?

When nothing else happened for the next five minutes, Dessa wearily lowered Luminae. Looking around, she took a step forward. Trinck! Another one! Her sword snapped up again, ready for some horrible beast to lurch at her from the inky darkness. Again, nothing. After another five minutes, Dessa looked down. The culprit behind the mysterious sounds lay on the cave floor at Dessa's feet.

A gold coin. Just laying there, the light from Dessa's magic sword reflecting off it's reflective face, looking a sickly greenish color in the enchanted light. Dessa bent down and picked it up, studying its dusty-yet-shiny surface.

"What's a gold coin doing at the bottom of a cave?" She said under her breath.

She stood up, putting the coin in the pocket of her ruined tunic. She began walking again, but after two steps she stopped, staring at the ground in front of her. She couldn't believe her eyes. Strewn around the entire room, in great heaps and hills, was countless treasure.

Gold coins spread out as far as the darkness allowed Dessa to see. Crowns, once worn by kings and queens lay amidst them, adorned by hundreds of glittering jewels. Diamonds, rubies, sapphires, and emeralds, all perfectly cut, lay scattered among the sea of gold. Silver bars sparkled randomly, and hundreds of glittering weapons from swords to maces to spears lay half buried in the gems and coins.

Dessa stood dumbstruck, staring at all the wealth before her. Finally, she came to her senses. And began to walk again, stepping as quietly as she could (which was quite noisily) over an on the coins of sliver and gold.

Where is that light coming from?

She looked around. Surely Luminae couldn't illuminate this much of the cavern?

Her answer came from above; a gaping hole in the ceiling of the cave. No, not a hole, she thought. A second mouth to the cave.

The light that shone through lit up everything so brightly, Dessa allowed Luminae to go dark. Through the opening, the moon was now up and shining brighter than ever, it seemed.

Dessa sat down in an enormous cushiony throne, racking her brain once again. What could possibly live here? She knew that whatever it was lived in caves, had the power to scorch the poor men she found earlier, liked treasure, and if the opening in the ceiling of the cave meant anything, could fly up an out of here. What could it be..?

Dessa stood up and slid down a mound of coins over to the wall of the cave. The rock was black, like the boulders she saw earlier, and was covered with scores almost as big as she was. Claw marks. Okay, so the thing was big.

She saw how big when the light suddenly disappeared from above. She hit the ground, looking up to the ceiling. Something big- no, huge- was blocking the light from outside, casting the cavern into darkness. The humongous thing dropped, two giant wings spreading to slow it's fall. It landed among the treasure with a THUNK! so loud it shook the ground, causing coins and jewels to tumble down their mounds in miniature avalanches. It reared its great head, and in the moonlight, Dessa finally saw what she was sent to kill.

A Dragon.

It's head was a crown of spines; it's mouth filled with razor-sharp and diamond-hard teeth; it's eyes a startling orange. It's body was black and stocky and scaly, every one of the scales as large as a shield and sharp as a sword. It's wings were spread open like sails, and it's limbs were tree trunks with four talons as long as a horse. It's tail waved back and forth, it's spikes like thorns on a humongous vine. From it's arms, it dropped several cart loads of silver and gold into it's collection, letting out an enormous thundering roar that echoed through the entire cavern.

Dessa lay absolutely still as it made its way through the treasure, poking its huge nose behind piles of gold and shifting through the gems. She slowly stood up, letting the cacophony of tinkling coins and other assorted treasures drown out the noise she was making. She ran behind the the nearest mound of silver just as the Dragon poked it's enormous head around, checking that everything was as it had left it. When it was satisfied that no one had stolen anything, it moved on to the next pile of jeweled crowns and gold bars. Dessa slowly backed away, hoping to avoid the Dragon until it went to sleep.

It reached the edge of the sea of treasure where Dessa had stood not fifteen minutes ago. It lowered it's head to the ground, surveying the scattered coins that began the hoard of wealth. Suddenly, it whipped it's head up, roaring even louder than before. The roaring this time was not filled with triumph, but with rage.

"WHO HAS STOLEN FROM ME!"

Dessa didn't know if the words were in her head or were spoken aloud, only that they came from the Dragon, and they were filled with dreadful promises of hate. The voice was like the roar: thunderous and intimidating.

Dessa stopped in her tracks, her heart jumping to her throat.

The gold coin. Dessa reached as quietly as possible into her pocket, feeling it's weight. The Dragon roared again, and shot itself out of Dessa's line of sight, bursting through the treasure in an attempt to find the thief. Her.

"WHERE ARE YOU?"

The Dragon shrieked, it's words booming amongst all the noise it was making thundering through the gold. Dessa would be lucky if she came out of this alive much less with her hearing. The cavern echoed with the sounds of rage from the dragon. No chance of it sleeping now.

Dessa turned and ran for the crumbled wall behind her. Maybe if she could get to it, she could climb up and-

The treasure seemed to explode underneath her, and she went flying through the air in a rain of gold coins and sparkling gems. She landed with a thud on a heap of coins, rolling down to the bottom in a rock slide of riches. Looking up, she saw the Dragon lower it's tail, the enormous beast treading slowly up to where she lay dazed.

"FOOLISH MORTAL,"

it said, it's mouth opening to display teeth that had killed thousands, blackened by the fire it breathed to plunder and destroy. "YOU DARED TRY AND STEAL FROM THE MIGHTY VALSHARAH, KING OF PAIN, PLUNDERER OF ALL, DREAD TO ALL THINGS LIVING, AND LORD OF ALL THINGS DEADLY! NOW YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR ARROGANCE." Valsharah lowered his head to Dessa, who closed her eyes against it's putrid breath.

"ANY LAST WORDS, MORTAL?"

He chuckled, smoke wisps beginning to appear out his nose. Dessa felt her heartbeat steady itself as a strange calm washed over her.

"I do have last words," she said, opening her eyes to look into Valsharah's. "I just won't say them today." With that, she plunged Luminae into the Dragon's left eye.

Valsharah shrieked with pain and rage, arching his neck to whip his head up, nearly making Dessa lose her grip on Luminae. But she held on, the enchanted blade coming free with a sick pop! The sword was covered from tip to hilt with blood, and some of it splatted off onto Dessa's face. Before she could wipe it off, Valsharah's huge wing swept toward her, toppling the entire mound of treasure and knocking Dessa back another ten feet. The Dragon was clawing at his eye, shaking his head and breathing orange flames up into the air, illuminating stalactites that weren't visible before.

Dessa scrambled back to her feet and raised her bloody sword. Valsharah turned his great head to look at her, his good eye almost glowing with hatred. Smoke wafted from his mouth and nose.

"DIE!"

He roared, bringing his arm down in a swinging arc, talons curved to impale Dessa where she stood. She crouched down and rolled into the swipe, Luminae pointed straight up from where she sat on one knee, head down. Valsharah swung his claw down, right into Dessa's sword.

She felt the impact as Luminae pierced the huge hand, the claws making a cage around her. Sweet smelling blood splashed onto her again, and Valsharah once again shrieked in pain.

Before the Dragon could pull it's hand back, Dessa pulled from the treasure beneath her a magnificent sword, inlaid with jewels and polished until it was reflective as a mirror. Wielding it in one hand, Luminae in the other, Dessa slashed at Valsharah's nearest claw, the second one. With one stroke of her new weapon, Dessa sliced the claw off, blood pouring from the wound. Her opponent roared the louder than ever before, and Dessa's ears rang so that she couldn't tell when it began and when it finished.

Valsharah ripped his hand away, smashing the jeweled sword from Dessa's grip. The Dragon shot his head for her, mouth gaping, but Dessa dived to the left, his teeth missing her by inches, instead clamping down on mounds of riches. Dessa could feel the sound of it all through her feet and Luminae's vibrations, but she couldn't hear anything but ringing. She probably would be deaf, if she survived.

Dessa began to run in no particular direction, but Valsharah waved his head around to try and impale her on one of his many black spines, but only succeeded in smashing the ground under her, shooting her up for the third time in a wave of gold and silver. She felt Luminae get ripped from her hand, but there was nothing she could do about it. She rolled to a stop just in time to see a blurry Valsharah bring his head around only to smash it into the rock wall beside her, bringing it tumbling down. He had become clumsy in his rage, luckily for Dessa. Had he been as graceful as he could be, she would already be dead, and she knew it.

Dessa stood up just as clumsily, and, seeing Luminae laying half buried in the gold, quickly retrieved her sword. She looked around for her opponent, but the Dragon was gone. In his place, a huge mound of boulders lay, a distinctive black-clawed hand missing the second finger poking out from under the destruction.

So that's it?

Dessa thought. Or maybe she said it? She had no way of knowing with this ringing in her ears. All that, and he just gets crushed by his own ungracefulness?

Dessa made her way to the top of the mound of boulders to the outside. Cool wind blew in her face as she made her way out.

It was dark out, the moon that lit up the cavern high; it's sliver light showed trees, but not what kind. The air smelled of wood and smoke.

Dessa felt the rocks moving under her. She turned around just in time to see black scales and spikes hurling toward her. She hit the ground, not softly, and felt the air move as the Dragon's tail shot above her. In front of her, the rocks and boulders erupted, hurled into the air by the black beast underneath that Dessa thought dead. Valsharah burst out in a magnificent shower of gold and boulders and fire from his mouth, his wings beating him into the starry sky with a proud roar that she could only feel through the grassy ground beneath her.

He

is alive, Dessa thought. The Dragon was tough, she had to give him that.

"NOT A GOOD MOVE, FOOLISH MORTAL,"

Valsharah said, erasing all doubt that he spoke telepathically with the fact that Dessa could hear him. "WITH YOU OUT OF MY TREASURE ROOM, I WILL BURN YOU LIKE ALL THOSE WHO CAME BEFORE YOU." To prove his point, the Dragon spewed a fireball high into the night sky, where it left a beautifully deadly path of embers and sparks behind it. The flash illuminated the entire area, and Dessa could see that the mystery trees were oaks, and that the cave was now a gap in a lush mountainside, with an enormous towering waterfall right next to it.

That's why he didn't burn me,

Dessa thought. He didn't want to harm the treasure.

Velsharah was a blot in the night sky; his black scales blended in perfectly with the night. Dessa could just barely track him as he shot across the sky by the stars he blocked out, and the occasional tongue of flame that found it's way out of his mouth. Suddenly, he was just a few hundred feet away, headed straight at her like an arrow. An arrow that breathed fire.

Dessa turned and started sprinting, heading straight for the waterfall. She could feel the heat of Valsharah's flames through her ripped and bloody tunic. The waterfall ended in a small pool, and for a heart stopping moment Dessa thought that she might not make it behind. If there was a behind. It would be just her luck for Dessa to jump through the waterfall and hit a solid wall of rock.

Dessa reached where the ground ended and the pool began, and without breaking stride dived behind the icy falling water. The force of it pounded her already sore body under the water, and for a terrifying second Dessa didn't know which way was up or whether or not she was behind the wall of water. Then she burst the surface, gulping in air.

The cave she ended up in was dark, the only light coming from the water. She crawled up onto the rock sticking up from the water, to find that it was the floor of a tunnel. Orange flames from the Dragon outside hit the lifesaving wall, not breaking through before turning the icy water into steam. Drops of it showered her face, washing away the sweet-smelling Dragon blood mixed with her own. The refracted light cast beautiful tendrils of blue all around the cave and Dessa, illuminating the space that was her lifesaver... And her prison.

The cave was narrow- so narrow that four feet on either side and Dessa would've hit the wall instead of - but long enough that Dessa could not see the end, even when she lit up Luminae with a whisper of the blade's name. She leaned up against the left side of the cave to catch her breath. The flames outside stopped, but it would not be long before Velsharah came back.

"All this for a single dusty old gold coin," she said softly, smiling despite the fact that she had nearly gotten killed so many times in the past ten minutes. She still couldn't hear anything, but at least the ringing had stopped.

No sooner had the smile left her face, Dessa nearly got impaled as Valsharah's huge head burst from the waterfall, icy water soaking Dessa in an instant, his jaws snapping and fire shooting out of each nostril.

"WHERE ARE YOU?"

The Dragon screeched, his neck shooting just a few inches from Dessa faster than a horse could run, his razor-sharp scales promising a lot of pain if she brushed up against the massive beast. He was so large, his neck alone nearly filled up the entire tunnel.

He didn't see me?

Dessa thought, but then realized: she was on his left side. The side with no eye. Just as she was realizing this, the entire cave shook and Dessa felt Velsharah's roar through the wall.

He was stuck.

Dessa didn't need any more of an invitation. Raising Luminae above her head in both hands, she let out a ferocious war-cry. The walls on the side where Velsharah's head was glowed orange as the Dragon spewed fire desperately.

Dessa rammed the glowing sword into Velsharah's neck. Fire began to shoot out where the blade pierced, as the Dragon was spitting it madly. The air smelled of bitter smoke and sweet dragon blood, and Luminae begin to grow hot in her hand. Still Dessa held on, plunging the magical blade deeper into the Dragons tough flesh.

"NOOOO!"

Valsharah's desparate cry went virtually unheard by Dessa. The hole in the Dragon's neck was wider now; sticky red blood dribbled slowly over and between the scales. Flames licked ather hands, but she hardly cared. All that mattered was pushing, pushing the blade deeper into the evil thing that hoarded a bloody treasure in that evil cave, taken from hundreds of innocent people through fire and tears. No wonder she was assigned this monster to slay.

And she had. Valsharah shuddered one last time, then lay still. Dessa pulled her sword form the neck of the Dragon, the blade still glowing unaffected by the fire that had run through his now dead throat.

Dessa wiped the blood off Luminae and sheathed it before leaping out of the cave through the waterfall that saved her life. She swam through the pool to the edge, where the lush green mountainside and the trees were miraculously unscathed by the battle that had raged for eight minutes and nearly three hours after Dessa arrived at the mouth of the cave.

Her tunic was ripped in places that would've made any young man look, and it was covered in soot. She was bleeding in several places, she was sweaty, dirty, and sore, she smelled of dragon blood and metal, and she still couldn't hear more than the faintest of whispers.

She had never felt more alive. She had slain the Dragon. She held her mother's necklace in left hand, her enchanted glowing sword in her right. The wind blew in her face, whipping her short red hair as much as it could, the sun was rising behind her, the moon still glowing defiantly, and the forest around her woke up, somehow sensing that the evil thing living under it was gone.

She had done it.

She was a Slayer.

*The End... Or the Beginning?*


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935 Reviews


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Sat Mar 02, 2013 3:20 am
Shady wrote a review...



Hey Estio!

I'm sorry for your wait, but I am here at last and ready to review. :)

her fiery red hair freshly cut to the length of a man's,
~ And how long is that? I assume it's fairly short, but I am aware that that is my American mind taking over. Men don't have short hair in all cultures-- and in fantasy, you have a lot of leeway with your cultures.

Even in 'real life', it varied greatly in ancient times. Some cultures had men with very short hair (like Sparta), some cultures had long (like Athens), and some had very long (like Chinese men). [I might've gotten Athens and Sparta mixed up-- it's been years since I studied them, and I learned about both cultures in a short period of time].

would get you the harsh penalty that all deserters received.
~ Which would be...what? Death? A day in the stocks? Imprisonment? Hard labor? What is that harsh penalty?

Think, Dessa, think,

she told herself, what kind of lizard has control over fire, lives in caves, and would be considered enough of a threat for a trainee to try and kill?

Dessa racked her mind looking for an answer,
~ Really? I mean...she's been training for TEN YEARS. My imagination is good enough if I saw something like this, my mind would scream "DRAGON", and there aren't any still alive...that we know of.

In fantasy, when dragons are well-known, well-respected creatures...come on now, she'd recognize it instantly.

Eventually, it got began to get darker in the cave, even with a mouth that big no cave could stay bright all the way through, and the sun was likely lowering anyway.
~ Whoa. I know you don't want a grammatical review-- but this is a major run-on sentence. Try... "Eventually, it began to get darker in the cave. She knew it would. No cave could stay bright all the way through, regardless of the size of its mouth." Or something. I struggled with it.

When nothing else happened for the next five minutes, Dessa wearily lowered Luminae.
~ Who was timing? I suggest, especially in fantasy, you try to avoid concrete numbers/times/distances. Try using surroundings/feelings to judge. Like, you can use her heartbeat "When her heart slowed it's race in her chest, she wearily lowered Luminae."

Which brings up another question: What is 'Luminae'? You make it sound like an enchantment the first time you use it. Like, a charm-- now you're referring to your sword by that name. Pick. What does "Luminae" mean?

Okay, so the thing was big.
~ I'm sorry, but this is irritating me, *bad*. She has to be a complete idiot not to figure it out.
~~~

Alright!

There are several grammatical errors, but they don't significantly hurt the flow of the piece. Aside from the MC acting like a bit of an airhead, and the dragon being stiff and un-natural in his dialogue, I liked this piece quite a bit.

Your description is wonderful (and description is my *favorite* part of reading). Your battle scene very nice. Your imagery provoking. It was all very nice. It was a refreshing piece to read, and I'd definitely like to read more from you.

If you need any more help or have any questions, don't hesitate to ask!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Mon Feb 18, 2013 3:27 am
Omni wrote a review...



Well, I am here to review like you requested!

My name is Omniyus, and I will be reviewing this fine piece of work today. I am sorry that it took so long, I have a lot of other things that are happening right at the same time in YWS. Without further ado, let the reviewing begin!

Dessa stood in the corner of her cramped room, looking into the small reflection pool in the middle, the refracted light coming off the water lighting up her already beautiful face, trying to figure out why she felt like she was missing something.


This has nice imagery in it, but beware of run-on sentences. Your first two paragraphs were basically only one sentence.

ready to start her new life -or end it-


I am already betting that this is going to be the theme of this story: Whether or not character's life will be spared or ended.

Ding!


This story is great! You have much more potential than I ever did when I was your age.

However, things like the ding above can completely harm the overall appearance of your story. It makes it seem, almost childish. That and having dialogue in all caps. That shows somewhat unprofessionalism. It makes the sentence the same amount of an impact if you put a simple exclamation mark at the end. Having it all caps makes the sentence the reader is reading somewhat blocky and very much an eye sore.

Other than that, this story is great! You show great potential, as I said before, and you deserve every praise I have given you plus more!

I hope you keep on writing!
Omniyus.




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Sun Feb 17, 2013 6:31 am
dogs wrote a review...



"lighting up her already beautiful face"

Howdy doo Questio, Dogs here just delivering a review as requested :), You have a nice opening, bringing us into some good imagery. Although you have superfluous words at times, so like here you can just cut out "already." Try to omit all useless words whenever you can.

"why she felt like she was missing something"

My previous note can be applied to a couple places in your writing. I'll just point out the big ones you need to take note of, and than in your own reviewing I'll trust your excellent judgement to mend some of the others. Try saying something like: "why she felt like something was missing." The good thing about this is it cuts out the double use of "she" in the same sentence.

Ok, I love how you describe her searching through her box and everything, but you don't really give us a strong image of the necklace, I'm assuming it's a slightly pivotal piece of information and so the reader would love to have a clear strong image of the necklace. What color is it, is it glass or metal? Give us some more details.

"she took everything in, feeling like it was the first time she'd ever seen it"

Nice line, I like the idea of your writing at this point. Try to, again, cut out some words and see if we can make it a little smoother: "she took everything in, like it was first time seeing it." Minor corrections do make a major difference :).

Ooooo love the dialogue from Phrell, explaining the dangers of her task. I'm certainly hooked now! Can't wait to see where you'll take me next.

"without killing it would get you the harsh penalty all deserters received"

Tell us what the penalty is, just say "death by beheading" or whatever gruesome punishment you think would befall.

"nothing else happened for the next five minutes"

Have you ever tried standing still for five minutes? It's an absurdly long time, even extremely long red lights are only about thirty seconds to a minute max. Just say a few seconds or moments instead of "five minutes"

I loved the imagery that you used for the dragon, well done with that there. That's some good smooth writing, absolutely loved that part.

Wait what? She just picked up a huge sword covered with jewels with one hand and sliced off a dragons claw? Either this girl is just ungodly superhuman or that's one light sword and one weak claw.

"No wonder she was assigned this monster to slay"

Nit picky, but try saying: "No wonder she was assigned to slay this monster." Just helps the flow to write this in a more natural conversational tone. Also I like your description of the fight between the dragon and the girl, great writing there.

I think you should keep the "*the end... or the beginning" out and just keep the last line as "She was a Slayer." That's a good line to bring closure to this piece. All and all I enjoyed reading it, your imagery is certainly the stronger part of your writing, although you need to re read and try to fix some awkwardly worded lines. I hope my review was helpful :), as always if you ever need another review just let me know. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




Questio says...


Thank you! I did have some imagery in there about how heavy the sword was and a big long three paragraph part where Dessa was lifted up and then sliced of the claw with Luminae (it being an enchanted blade, it could do this), but I cut that part. I will make sure to try and get it back in there, using the insanely helpful tips you gave me. Thank you again!



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Sun Feb 17, 2013 3:50 am
MilesGrayson says...



This was awesome! I loved at the end that you said, "Her tunic was ripped in places that would've made any young man look". It made me chuckle after all of the intense fighting.





"In my contact with people I find that, as a rule, it is only the little, narrow people who live for themselves, who never read good books, who do not travel, who never open up their souls in a way to permit them to come into contact with other souls -- with the great outside world."
— Booker T. Washington, Up From Slavery