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Young Writers Society



Darkness, My Old Friend

by Cole


Inspired by the painting 'Nighthawks' by Edward Hopper.

* * *

My suit jacket is too small. It grips my shoulders so tightly that I feel like I can’t breathe. When I rest my elbows on the glossy cherry wood counter, the sleeves ride up, baring my wrists. But the constricting jacket keeps the dark contained inside of me. I feel like I’m going to burst, that the blackness is going to spill out of me.

I feel like I need more coffee.

I ask the soda jerk for more, the knotted, quiet words fall from my mouth. He’s young, blond, a good-looking kid. I feel a little sorry for him that he’s working so late, serving a hung-over mess like me.

I know he pities me even more. I can see it in his wide eyes as he pours me another cup. The steam rises up from the mug and climbs in front of my eyes like a shroud. Like a curtain closing in on the finale. No cream, no sugar. I drink it black. I can see a twisted face in the coffee, I see my reflection as if I’m gazing into an ebony mirror.

On the other side of the counter in the obnoxiously lit diner, a couple is sitting together. What a handsome pair. The chap is wearing a suit similar to mine, but it’s clean. His redheaded girl with her wine-colored dress is perched up on that stool like a cardinal. I hear them whispering and I shift the brim of my hat to hide my eyes so they don’t know that I’m watching them.

I wonder if they’re talking about me.

“You said it’d be too late to get a coffee,” the man chuckles, a cigarette sticking out of the side of his lips. Despite his gray hat streaking shadows over his face, his wild green eyes are still bright.

The woman brushes a copper curl from her shoulder and grins slightly. Every inch of her face is sparkling. “Midnight is an impractical time to get coffee. That’s all I said.” She eyes a packet of sugar in her slender fingers before she tears it open and puts the contents into her cup.

The man adjusts his tie and flattens his crisp sapphire shirt beneath his jacket, “Phillies is always open. Ain’t that right, son?” The soda jerk is startled and lifts his eyes to the man, nods once and then continues wiping down the counter.

I lower my face to my mug, no longer interested in their petty conversation. I let the sound of a radio in the kitchen smother their words. The way the bloke looks at the woman, the way he touches her reminds me that I’m alone. I don’t have any girl on my arm, any rare beauty to call my own. I sleep down in the subway every night. I’m a nobody, a wanderer, a drinking man wearing a jacket that’s a size too small.

The darkness stretches inside of me. I feel it circling in my throat. It’s thirsty. But not for coffee. I pull a silver flask out from my jacket pocket and splash a generous dose of rum into my cup. The blond soda jerk sees this and he approaches me. “I’m sorry sir, alcohol isn’t allowed at Phillies. I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.”

I stare at him, then drink the contents of my mug. The rum burns as it claws down my throat. I nod to him, slap some quarters onto the counter from my pocket, and tumble off the stool. I turn to look at the young lad before I go. His white outfit is glowing in the florescent lights of the diner. He looks like an angel. I think this is going to be the last time I ever see him.

The darkness inside my throat tells me it is.

I am saddened, but I know it’s just being honest. The dark is always honest.

The couple glances over at me, concerned. I remove my hat and attempt to bow for them, but as soon as my hat leaves my head and brown strands of hair fall over my eyes, I forget why I want to bow in the first place.

I can’t remember how to bow. And the curtain is closing in.

Then, I’m stumbling across the sidewalk; the light of the diner casts long, fearsome shadows in front of me. The city is empty and cold, there’s no life left, it seems. I stop for a moment, dizzy, and then I’m violently sick on the street. I don’t have a girl, a nice suit, a home, a bed. All I have is this flask of rum, a glowing café at my back, and the dark inside me.

The darkness tells me I’m alone.

The honesty stings.

I wipe my mouth on my sleeve. My legs feel like lead as I drag myself toward a bridge up the path. The bridge looks mighty beautiful. It’s my salvation.

When I reach the middle of the crossing, I look down at the black torrent of water rushing below the bridge. Black life coffee. I see my reflection in it; the current distorts my face so that I look sinister. I see hell inside of me.

I see the darkness. The dark has many names: alcoholism, depression, paranoia, dementia. I don’t like those words, though. They’re too cold. Too cold for my old friend.

I take one last swig of rum and then throw the flask into the ebony river. The rum tastes like metal on my tongue, like silver in my lungs.

The devil in me tells me that I’m all alone. He tells me to jump.

I do.

I plummet through emptiness, through the darkness and air. Then I hit the water. Its iciness feels like razors. The violent waters drag me under and I see the black waves at last closing around my eyes, like sweeping curtains falling down on me.

As the darkness roars out of my mouth, hands, and eyes, it possesses the waters. It urges me to sleep. But I know I will not be sleeping—I don’t understand why my friend is lying. I can’t breathe, but it has nothing to do with my jacket that’s too small. The shadows and water have taken away my shoes now, my socks. They have torn my jacket from my arms and shredded my shirt so that I am naked.

I don’t feel anything anymore.

I see now what it looks like when the curtains are finally closed.

It looks like oblivion.


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7 Reviews


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Mon Jun 23, 2014 9:07 pm
Hamsa wrote a review...



Hey! Hamsa here for a super quick review which will probably end up just being a comment :p

Wow! You're writing skills are amazing! That was breathtaking. Literally. I actually had to stop at the end and just take a deep breath.
I've always loved imagining stories for that painting, I don't know what it is about it, it just really makes me want to know its context ya know? Anyway your story was perfect for it. It was well-written and the emotions were clearly shared.
I like the fact that you used "the darkness" and "my friend" - really nice. I also really liked the end. I think most people would usually just stop at "i do" so the fact that you actually described what he felt when he was falling was very new and different. And the last line is so powerful! It's a perfect ending.
Sorry I can't offer any helpful points but to be honest I really can't think of any. It was great.
Anyway this is the first of your stories that I've ever read and I'm really looking forward to the rest! You should definately publish that novel!
Good luck! See ya 'round :)




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19 Reviews


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Sun Apr 14, 2013 10:23 pm
champ321 wrote a review...



Wow, really cool take on the suicidal urge you called the darkness. I was half expecting the man to be consumed in flames. Or turn into an alter ego and massacre everyone in Phillies. I truly like the idea that you wrote this to fool your audience into thinking that they were stumbling across a supernatural thriller. It was interesting that the main character was relating his depression to a devil inside of him. Rather the devil inside cohering him to homicide, the devil lured the man to his death. I thought it was even more peculiar that he threw the source of his depression into the river, for a moment freed of the hold the flask had had on him. Yet, with the liquid courage already in him, he follows his addiction into the river.

Really cool, really creative. Good balance of the characters personal thoughts and the imagery you used to convey the characters own perspective of the world.

I look forward to reading more!

JMR3



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Cole says...


Hey, thanks for sharing your thoughts! I'm glad you liked it. This type of piece is definitely rare for me. Usually I write more work similar to 'The Harrowing' or 'Broken Jar' (which I see you just read). Spiritual, allegorical pieces are more my forte. I tend to prefer literature impregnated with themes of hope, redemption, and sacrifice. Unfortunately for the man in this story, the devil took meaning from him and left him dead in a river.

Let me know if you need a review. Just leave me a message on my wall.

Thanks again,

-H.



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Sat Feb 23, 2013 3:18 am
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Epicdonkalous wrote a review...



Hey there!

To begin with, you tackled a, pardon my pun, very dark subject. I think you did it rather well, explaining the feelings that one would have as "darkness", leaving it free to interpretation. That being said, I felt that this piece could have been stronger. Quite honestly, I'd completely demolish the ending and either re-do it, or make it much more open ended. I feel like it just kind of continues on, without adding any real meaning to the overall piece. I'd end it at "The devil in me tells me that I’m all alone. He tells me to jump." or slightly before. This would hint as to what happened to him, but without giving a definite answer, which to me, gives this piece a slight edge of hope.

Now, as that was not the intention of this piece, I'd understand you thinking I'm crazy and leaving it, and that's fine too. But if you were to leave the ending, I'd clean it up a bit. Maybe give the illusion that he is slowly blacking out, by taking out a lot of the "meat", and leaving hints, such as excluding the sentences before "As the darkness roars out of my mouth, hands, and eyes, it possesses the waters. ", then jumping straight to "I see now what it looks like when the curtains are finally closed. It looks like oblivion." This conveys the point without a bunch of excess information.

I did enjoy the way you led up to the character's jumping. By choosing a common scenario, such as the diner, it adds a sense of commonality to the feel of the story, making it more relatable.

Overall, nicely done, just clean it up a bit!

Hope this helps!

~Epic




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Sun Feb 17, 2013 3:03 am
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dogs wrote a review...



"but the constricting jacket keeps the dark contained inside of me"

I like your opening, throwing us into the piece with a random description of something from the narrator. It seems minor but it reveals a lot about his character off the bat. Nit picky note here, you shouldn't start sentences with conjunctions if you can avoid it, try either merging this with the previous sentence, or replacing "but" with "although," or "however," Whatever works.

"I feel like I need more coffee"

Nice, nice switch from the train of thought of bursting blackness to coffee. Which is ironically humorous, not sure if you intended that, but I certainly enjoyed it :).

"the knotted, quiet words fall from my mouth"

You almost always pick your words smoothly and brilliantly, you do it so well in fact that whenever you don't use this excellent imagery and word choicage, it sticks out like a sore thumb. One of the burdens of being great is your expected to be great all the time lol. Anyways, I think you can find a more descriptive word other than "fall." It's especially important here because you can use it to further his state of bursting blackness. Maybe say "drool" or "drip" or something along those lines, or if it's more forceful say "plummet" or if it's softer say "slip." Take your pick.

"I know he pities me even more. I can see it..."

Most the time in your writing you use fragment sentences rather effectively, however, if you have chance to not use a fragment, take it. So just put a comma after "more" instead of a period.

"his wild green eyes are still bright"

This line is a little awkward, not sure why. Try rephrasing it a little.

"grins slightly. Every inch of her face..."

Again, whenever you can combine two fragment sentences do so, this is a reoccurring theme in this piece. It just makes the reading a little less fluid and choppy. Although I just adore your imagery.

"and puts the contents into her cup"

Again, great imagery and writing, extreme nit picky comment here. But, try to omit all useless words whenever you can, try saying something like: "and dumps it in her cup."

"I feel it circling my throat. It's thirsty. But not for coffee."

I think you know what I'm going to say here, you could easily make these three sentences into one smooth and fluid sentence.

"The darkness inside my throat tells me it is."

I think you should cut this line, I like the ambiguous air of where you left it before. I know nit picky nit picky, but this piece is rather excellent so I gotta poke at something.

"Into the ebony river"

Ahh just love your word choice here. Ebony is one of those great words that I just love to read. Well done there :).

"I do"

I think there is too much build up to this point to just describe it as "I do," maybe describe the man getting up onto the dark rusting poles and than add in this bit.

Loved the ending here, great idea with the finale and the closing of the curtains. Just love that, excellent work in that regard. You keep an excellent theme going on throughout this piece, although you might want to substitute "black" out for a different word at times, because it becomes a little overused near the end. All and all an amazing piece and I really enjoyed reading it. Let me know if you ever need another review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




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Sun Feb 17, 2013 1:15 am
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wonderland wrote a review...



Alright, so!
First, wow. Just wow.
Okay, so, your sense of character and description is fantastic. I also like how you placed it in present tense instead of past, that makes it more real. I also like how you have a somewhat mundane first line, because it introduces the character and sets the scene.
The thing is, is that, if you were going to edit or expand this piece, I would advise to put in more back story. This story is very in-the-present, and very well written, but the it doesn't lend much explanation as to why your character is feel like this, and makes it a little bit less relatable to the reader. You want to halfly keep your readers in mind and make sure they can relate to who you are writing about!
Overall, though, this is a fantastic piece, and I look forward to reading more by you!
~wonderland xx




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Sat Feb 16, 2013 3:19 am
Reckoner says...



I really like this, good descriptions and interesting ideas. I would like to read a longer version of this, give this character of a back story, you can take this short story in some many directions. Nice work!





It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats—the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hill —The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it—and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another.
— JRR Tolkien