Audible at Night

by indieeloise

A/N: Prompt poem for dogs’ contest. I was given the words solemn, monody, and compels.

When I was my

sister’s age, I’d count

the number of times

fractured headlights, three

stories below, would pass

through the series of

windows in my room.

But those cars were

as effective as the sheep

that play leapfrog in the mind

of an insomniac.

One night, while Daddy

was telling me a story

in bed, I decided who

my favorite parent was:

She came home later

from the grocery store, after

she thought I was asleep

(I wasn’t) and buried her

face in my little-girl ringlets.

Eight years later, the memory

of the coolness of her hands

remains, like the feeling when

a blanket is feverishly

kicked off during a humid

night’s sleep. A hint of her muted

perfume still lingers in my

thoughts and big-girl curls,

and the smell is especially audible

at night.

During the divorce, it was me

who comforted her in

those dark hours -

she cried a lot, that year

and the year after. When

times were hard, I’d cup

my palms, as if to catch

her tears, and say, “We

are in His hands.”

It’s taken time, but the black

hole of my family’s division

has evaporated to dust,

and our wishes on

those faded stars have

been answered.

The house is peaceful now,

with just the three of us.

But it’s not solemn, unless

you find laughter to be

reverent, and frequent

embraces to be ceremonial.

Our story isn’t some

Shakespearean tragedy;

no one’s singing ballads of

lost love, and the only monody

playing is of Aretha Franklin

or Etta James.

Yes, we have tears, regret,

and the monthly melancholy -

but we’re not compelled

every minute to curl up

in a hole and shut out

all the outside light.

We simply exist,

together.

This is love, family,

life without shackles.

Comments

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Reviews: 1334

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Wed Feb 20, 2013 3:05 pm

Hannah wrote a review...

I think your poem ends here:

is especially audible
at night.

And everything after that is just dragging it on. In that moment, we know that no matter what this girl is tangled in her mother, that she accepts this night, this gesture, for what it is. We don't need to hear the narrative all explained like you do with the rest of the poem. Your clarity in saying, "I love my mom more than my dad" implies that there's a situation where you might have to choose, and if there were you know what you'd do. The only thing that is missing before that line, truly, is Etta James, and you can manage to squeeze her in there.

Do you disagree? If you are, in your head, disagreeing, search out why. What are the things in the stanzas after "at night" that you NEED in your poem? If it's your silly Mariana Trench comparison, that rings as hollow. It will find a better home in a poem where it's needed. If it's direct mention of your tears, I'd maintain you don't need them with the solemn tone you've built through the beginning. Your sister, too, is directly mentioned (thought not expanded) all before that break I've chosen.

Of course, it's not for me to choose, but I hope I've made my argument clearly.

Other than that, all I wonder about is why, when you say your mom comes home late, you later say she's not the one that comes home at 1am every night. Is she the late-worker, or isn't she?

Your strength is more in the moments of her self reflection on this situation than in the wide sweeping views of conversations. Many people can talk by the beach and turn their backs on their mothers, but this one girl, only her, it seems, can remember the smell of her mother in her hair.

PM me if you have questions.

Good luck and keep writing!

Points: 42428
Reviews: 411

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Fri Feb 15, 2013 8:13 pm

BenFranks wrote a review...

Hey there,

I thought I'd give you a review after you let me have the honour of publishing your poem to Pie the other day. So here I am.

I'm going to go ahead and be a bad wheel - I disagree with our good friend dogs. For me, there is something special about the simplicity of this poem; the poetry is much more emotional in the raw sense, there's no tarting it all up.

I think he's right in saying something of a metaphor to illustrate what happened would perhaps make this a little more intriguing, but I don't think you should fill it with imagery. I think if you pick a metaphor it would have to be spun well - take your father's story for instincts, perhaps you could intertwine the whole thing as though it were a narrative, but then keep both your start and ending to ensure we're empathising with you the entire way through.

On another note, your free verse is lovely. I can tell you're comfortable with it and, for the most part, it is very fluent. I think there are parts you can edit, such as:

Never again did I
change my mind about
favorites.

My personal opinion is that the mind is at this point clearly talking of favourites, so I think losing it at the end here will give it an admirable ambiguity if anything and it also sounds a little more fluent when spoken aloud. Ending a line on "about" is a little, meh, for me.

My favourite part is the line "together" which is in your closing stanza. For me, that stands out from the rest of your poem. It doesn't directly follow on from anything before because of the comma break and it doesn't go on either because of the full stop - so we have that word in all its glory, perfectly framed. I think that's why the effect of this poem is so strong. My suggestion from this then, if we were to "perfect" your very good poem, would be to take this idea of framed effect and really be thoughtful of how you punctuate your free verse - for example it is quite telling rather than showing this poem (which I like because of the raw emotion but it can put some people off) and you could get some wonderful effects from punctuated emphasis, rather than 'flowering up the place', as it were.

Anyway, there's some thoughts. I hope they helped and let me know if you have questions.

Best,
-B

Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

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Fri Feb 15, 2013 7:37 pm

dogs wrote a review...

Hello there Indi! Tucker here with your review. Okey dokey, to start off congrats for finishing this wondrous piece for my poetry contest. An interesting piece, you really step around the large use of imagery to tell a story, I don't read poetry in this style much so well done in that regard. Let's dive in shall we?

"fractured headlights three/stories below would pass"

Nice line, I loved the imagery you used here. I can see the car headlights flashing through the windows. I would have liked to have seen a tad bit more of this style of writing from your piece, but you get along fine without it. Although you have a small issue with some commas, so it should be: "fractured headlights,/ three stories below, would pass..."

"cars served the same/ purpose as sheep for an/ insomniac"

I love the idea of this line, but maybe throw in a simile or a metaphor here just to open us up with a stronger poetic feel. Maybe try something along the lines of: "Cars, like sheep,/ skipped and hopped across/ my insomniac mind" I just made that up on the spot and I know you could do better than what I attempted, so just play with that idea.

"and I decided who my favorite parent was"

Who was your favorite parent? It's lightly implied that you mean your dad was you favorite parent at the time, but you need to clarify that a little bit. Nit picky thing I know, but when you poem is this good it's hard to find things to poke at. So trying saying "and I decided he was my favorite parents."

"and she buried her face in my hair"

Ok, I like the imagery of that and the smooth flow that you used to write it, however why is that so significant to the narrator. If a bum from off the street buried his head in your hair I don't think you would react so fondly. So go on and describe what prompted "her" to bury her head in your hair, and why that was so meaningful to your narrator.

"cool her hands..."

Here is an example of where you can really spice up your poem, try switching out "cool" for a more exciting and descriptive word. Maybe something like frigid or gelid. Something to mix it up.

"wonderful she smells at night"

Describe what she smells like, is it strawberries and cream? A fresh batch of homemade cookies? Give us something more to hang on to with a tad bit more descriptors.

"We are in His hands"

Excellent, great job. I love how the girl is catching her tears and than makes that line. Great imagery and great idea here. Loved it, well done.

"But it's not solemn"

Great smooth use of your given word. Also I loved your use of "reverent" a couple lines down. Excellent vocab use there, well done.

Good use of "monody," I like how you use it to describe Aretha Franklin and Etta James. Well done in that regard, although I would just cut out that entire line in parenthesis. It isn't necessary and doesn't do anything for your poem.

"and the cursed monthly melancholy"

Your use of melancholy is great in this regard, certainly one of my favorite words in the English language and you do it justice. Although I would cut out "cursed" from this line.

"all the outside light, either"

Cut out "either" from this sentence. It's just one word to many and it isn't a necessity that it's there.

Love the conclusion you bring this to, although I think you make the jump from the mourning and sobbing of the mother to the calm and tranquility of normal divorced life far to quickly. Milk that out a little bit, give us some more plot line before you jump to that point. A good poem that I certainly enjoyed reading, although I would say it defnitetly needs some more imagery it's still good regardless. The imagery will just give the reader more of a base and hook their attention more as you continue on with your narration. You don't even have to use imagery, you can just use a strong over arching metaphor for this piece to connect to. Of course, entirely up to your own discourse. Loved reading it Indi, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032

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Audible at Night

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