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Young Writers Society



Part 1: The Battle

by shulchan


Death seemed almost inevitable.

He felt them before he saw them. Their presence seemed to set off a million little alarms inside his head, imaginary red lights flashing danger, danger!

The air was suddenly cold, an icy coldness that was practically their trademark. The stench was unmistakable. The rotting stench of decay, of death, filled the air. It seemed to cloud his vision, chasing all thoughts from his mind. A suffocating, almost tangible smell. It enveloped him, chasing any thoughts from his mind until his brain felt like a swirly crystal ball, nothing more than thoughts swirling around in foggy mist. He tried to grasp one but it slipped from his grip. Only one thought came to him clearly, like a bright shard of glass against tarnished metal.

Keep running!

He did. The thought repeated itself in his head, and he concentrated on it, tried to get his mind off the Retsnom. His feet pounded harder against the pavement, going at what felt like a hundred miles per hour, his heart beating in the same rhythm. He felt the fear creeping up his spine but he knew he couldn’t give in, not when he was so close to escape. He pushed away the fear and concentrated on following Father. Father ran with a purpose, seeming to know exactly where to go. James followed blindly. He was panting heavily, the exhaustion finally catching up to him.

The clackety-clack of the Retsnops' footsteps seemed magnified to his ears, gunshots against the frozen stillness of the air. His chest tightened with fear and he clenched his hands into fists, willing the creatures to go away.

Must keep going… escape… so close…

They would kill him. Slaughter him. He imagined their claws, those silver knives on their hands, tearing into his skin while they laughed gleefully.

Ignore Retsnom… follow Father…

He heard their footsteps drawing closer, bringing his death.

Clackety-click… clickety-clack

The fear finally overwhelmed him, clenched him in its iron fist, yet his body shook uncontrollably, the shivers almost as violent as his beating heart. He shut his eyes like a barrier against them and kept running, truly blind now.

Left foot forward… Right foot forward… Just move! Go!

He couldn’t anymore. His body had frozen up, the fear acting as a toxin, paralyzing him. He squeezed his eyes shut tighter and was hit with a darkness inside his head that was so profound it almost drowned him, nearly pulled him into its empty grip. His head began to pound.

Run! Open your eyes, move your feet!

He screamed at himself inside, trying to connect the thoughts to the actions. His body was screaming at him, shaking so much he thought he would fall over. He squeezed his eyes shut so tight that he saw stars; his mouth opened wide but no sound came out. His hands clutched into tighter fists but his body refused to move.

He heard himself screaming, loud piercing shrieks that ripped through the air like pincers do to skin, and once again he imagined the knife- sharp pincers of the monsters latching on to him, tearing through his skin…

He screamed until his throat ached. The rotting smell was closer, the footsteps louder. Something touched him. His eyes flew open and suddenly his body came to life, twisting and jumping and slapping until sweat was pouring from his body and he was about to drop from exhaustion.

One down.

They swarmed around him, latching on to him with their spindly metal fingers, pulling at his hair. He kicked and fought with dwindling strength, and even when his arms refused to move and his legs fell from beneath him, he determinedly hit again and again. He heard the clash of his soft skin against their hard leather bodies, and his arm exploded with pain at each hit.

Two down.

Eventually his arms doggedly refused to obey him, and finally he felt the fight leave his body, despair settling in its place. A deep feeling of hopelessness filled his heart and he gazed into the creature’s eyes looking for even a shred of compassion.

The beast who stared back at him seemed to be the biggest of the lot, with leathery pink skin and a wolf-like snout. Its back was hunched like a camel’s; with four spindly arms sticking awkwardly out the front of its body. One eye had a large bruise beginning to spread across its face, and a trickle of blood dripped from one ear. A hooked metal claw extended towards him menacingly. He froze again, felt the cold fear begin to squeeze him, begin to trap him in place. He willed his body to jump up and fight.

Run! They aren’t doing anything, you can make a run for it! Go after Father!

The only thing that moved was his heart, thumping against his chest with the force of a hammer. He tried to even lift his head, but the paralyzing fear held him there, and that claw came closer and closer, the rotting stench stronger than ever.

Fleeting memories crossed his mind; the time he had gone fishing with Father, the first time he learnt to ride his bike. He wondered briefly if this was what it was like to see your whole life flash before your eyes, all in the second before death. He closed his eyes. The claw touched his cheek.

He was ready; he didn’t even flinch, only squeezed his eyes tighter and willed it to end.

“Kill me already!”

It took him a second to realize that the voice was his own.

“Don’t worry, we’ll do that eventually. Tell us first where your father is going. If you cooperate we’ll make your death less painful.”

The creature’s voice had a certain guttural quality to it, so low that it was almost a growl. Strangely enough, James felt no fear. All emotion had left him, leaving him feeling detached from his body, gone, separated from the rest of the world. He tried to open his mouth to tell them to go away. His muscles ached so much, shooting up fiery pain at the slightest twist. A deep heaviness began to come over his eyelids, a paralyzing blackness that promised to end everything. James wondered lazily if this was Death.

He began to slip away, slowly, falling more and more into the fuzzy blanket of darkness. Something told him to stay strong and hold on, but that voice was weak against the heaviness threatening to overwhelm him. He drifted lazily between this world and the Next, letting go slowly, each time slipping farther than before, until the warnings floating in his brain turned into a jumble of letters and meaningless phrases. The smell grew stronger all the while, and he wanted to push it away, but couldn’t find the strength. He heard, from what seemed to be miles above him, low guttural growls but he didn’t even bother to try and make out the words. His head hurt so much, the pain pounding against his skull, hitting his eardrums.

James finally lost his battle against the darkness.


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Wed Mar 27, 2013 5:22 pm
Caesar wrote a review...



hey sulchan!

Overall, I feel that with this chapter, you failed to explain a few key questions. What is this about? Of course I'm not saying the chapter should be a summary of the novel, but at least the readers should understand, at least vaguely, what's going to happen next. When and where is this set? These are key pieces of information we aren't really given. Why is your character running? To where? Running from who? Why are they chasing him? You don't really explain all of this. As I'm sure you realize, it's not good when so many questions have to be asked about so few words. You may want to bulk this out, answer some of the above, so that the readers won't be so confused.

Now, about your intro. Your character is frightened, running, being chased by who knows what godawful monsters (oh look, another question). To reflect this, sentences should be brief, perhaps incoherent even. They should be a mirror into your character's terrified mind. Here, they aren't really. Too long, far too long.

James finally lost his battle against the darkness.


And why should we care? You haven't given us the slightest information on your character other than his name, he's just another name in the billions of names we trawl across in our lives. What makes him special? Why do we care about him? You need to make us interested in the character, not the events around him, this early on in the novel. Otherwise, bleh.

Hope this helped
~Ita



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shulchan says...


Thank you! I'll take what you said into account.



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Sun Feb 24, 2013 1:27 am
EnchantedPanda wrote a review...



Hello shulchan,

EnchantedPanda here to review as requested!

Okay, you've got a really good start here but I definitely see the obvious problems with this, so I'll cut the chase and just skip straight into the critiquing if that's okay.

Firstly I've got to agree with what Questio said about leaving out the name until halfway through the story. It's difficult to tell if it was intentional or you just got so carried away with the story that you forgot, but regardless, it's got to go. As a reader right straight away I want to develop some kind of connection to the protagonist and it's a lot easier to do that if I already know some basic information about them. Sometimes it can be hard to include this basic stuff or you can just forget about it. My advice to overcome this, is to read through and imagine you know nothing about the character or the setting, for example. It can make it easier to identify what your story is lacking and gives you a good idea of appropriate places to insert this information. I don't need a full biography about the main character but I would like to know at least their name.

I like the use of the italics for the things that James is telling himself to do. It makes it seem like what he is doing is so scary that he only knows that he has to escape or he be caught and killed by the creatures. It also makes it seem more desperate and frantic which adds to the description you've used to make him sound scared and makes the situation more scary and not something that you'd want to experience. It's really effective and the knowledge that at any moment James' life could be ended really makes you root for him even more and want him to run even faster. It keeps you on your toes and that is really effective in making the reader feel a certain attachment towards James. It also makes your ending even more dramatic and super scary- I actually get chills from reading it.

Next, I think the only really big problem is what dogs mentioned, you've got some serious description here. Which can be great! But in this instance you've really overdone it. Sometimes with all this lengthy description you can just get bored reading. If I've picked up an action/adventure-type novel I want adventure and action, not lots of weedy description about how every little detail makes the protagonist feel. Yes? I'm not suggesting you scrap everything because a lot of this is really good, just try going through cutting out the really unnecessary lines, try and summarize big masses of imagery into a smaller but just as powerful description.

You've also repeated yourself sometimes by using the same adjective twice to describe the same thing in close proximity of each other. Once works fine, otherwise I just feel like I'm reading the same thing over and over again and really, who wants that?

Here are some examples of what I mean;

million little alarms inside his head


Take out "little".

imaginary red lights flashing danger, danger!


Take out "imaginary".

cold, an icy coldness


Just use "cold" once.

swirly crystal ball, nothing more than thoughts swirling


Just use "swirl" once.

the frozen stillness


Take out "frozen".

screamed at himself inside, trying to connect the thoughts to the actions. His body was screaming at him


Just use "scream" once.

There's more but I won't bore you with more quotes. I'm pretty sure you understand what I mean and you'll easily be able to go through and edit away at all the repetition and unnecessary imagery later if you feel you want to.

Overall I actually really liked this. I've been very blunt with my criticism and I really hope I haven't offended you. But you did say be harsh. I genuinely enjoyed reading this, I envy your fluidity with your sentences and the excellent creativity behind this. There's obviously a unique story and this prologue gets me hooked, I want to know exactly what it is. I also really enjoyed reading the excellent ending. You've nailed the use of endings that leave questions and this is great with a novel because you always want the reader to have questions you can answer in the next chapter. I particularly enjoyed reading this and I hope you'll post more writing soon. Please don't fail to let me know if you've got questions or comments about this review and please tell me if you ever want another review. Keep up the great writing.

From EnchantedPanda <3




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Fri Feb 15, 2013 4:22 pm
Questio wrote a review...



I didn't like how you would be using "he" and "him" and then suddenly mentioned James's name. The story would've read better without mentioning the name at all. Or even better, putting his name in the dialog of one of the creatures. Speaking of, great job with the creatures. They scared the crap out of me. And that is pretty hard, considering how messed up I am... >:}

Overall, great discription and flow (other than the "he" to "James" thing).

I enjoyed this story.



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shulchan says...


Hmm... I didn't realize that! Thanks for telling me!



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Thu Feb 14, 2013 8:36 pm
Soulkana wrote a review...



Hey Shulchan! My names Soul and I'll be reviewing this piece.

I must say I truly enjoyed the imagery that your work brings. You have a lot of commas and I'm not good with those either but seems to be a lot more than needed but I'm not to knowledgable on those things. Still I liked how the thoughts seem to fit the mood of the fact your person is running. Overall, I can't wait to read more. I hope you write a second chapter so I can see how much this grows. I wish you luck, Shulchan and hopefully this review helps in some way.

Sincerely,
Soulkana



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shulchan says...


thank you!



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Thu Feb 14, 2013 8:02 pm
dogs wrote a review...



"a million little alarms inside his head"

Great start to a piece, way to draw the readers attention in. But try to omit all useless words whenever you can. Try saying: "Millions of alarms inside his head"

"suddenly cold, an icy coldness..."

Ok, you use "cold" twice to close in proximity with each other. Certainly either cut one of them out or look it up in a thesaurus to find a more exciting word than "cold." Whatever works :).

"the rotting stench of decay, of death, filled the air"

Excellent excellent excellent imagery and vocab use. This is what I'm looking for. This style of writing with amazing imagery through strong and out of the ordinary words. :) Try applying this to the rest of your poem whenever you can.

"going at what felt like a hundred miles per hour, his heart beating in the same rhythm"

Ok, so the only consistent problem I'm finding in your writing is that you try to pack just a tad to much into your sentences. So like in this case you could just cut out the part about his heart beating the same rhythm. You could even replace the entire line before it with "he ran rapidly," your imagery is just wonderful, but you have a tad bit to much. Bring it down to the bear necessities (haha get it! Jungle book! Bare Necessities :3), and then build from there if you really need more stuff.

"He squeezed his eyes shut tighter and was hit with a darkness inside his head that was so profound it almost drowned him, nearly pulled him into its empty grip."

Ok, so this is again just amazing imagery, but to much. When you pepper the reader with to much imagery, your writing loses its effect. Take some out and jsut give us the essentials of what we have to know. Just say "he fell as his head crashed against the ground he was encased in darkness, so profound it seemed to drown him."

The paragraph describing the little beast that captured the boy is great. It's not overwhelming but just enough to give us a clear picture of this hideous beast.

Intresting piece, I enjoyed reading it. You have excellent imagery and a great writing style. Try to take out some of the over imagery you put in there and you'll be on the right track. I hope my advice helped! Let me know if you ever need a review, Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032



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shulchan says...


thank you! I'll take what you said into account.




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— Zenith