Young Writers Society

Oh, my God!

Hi there, costya! I am GeeLyria and I will be reviewing for you today.

In all honesty, I didn't expect the ending. While reading, it never crossed my mind that this poem was about cutting/self harm. Geez! It gave me goosebumps and all. <.> I must congratulate you because the flow of your piece is flawless, the wording is fantastic, and the subject is something that sadly is happening to a lot of teenagers these days, therefor it catches one's eye, and I am sure many readers can relate to it.

The only thing that pinches me about this poem is that you have given us no space to breathe! Creating stanzas would not only made it easier to read, but it would give your poem a more attractive appearance. The readers appreciate organization~ weather they realize it or not. And we all know that judging a book by its cover isn't wise, however that doesn't stop us from doing it. xD So here's my suggestion ~ I've studied your poem a bit and I figured that dividing your lines into quatrains would be a perfect solution.

I'll show you how it would look; click the spoiler.

Hello there Costya! Dogs here with your review today! Okey dokey, firstly WELCOME TO YWS! I hope you enjoy your time here, if you ever need anything or just a review or help on something, give me a PM and I'd be glad to help ya out . Ok on to your poem, I think this is a great idea for a topic and you have an excellent ending. There are a few quick points that I wanted to touch on though:

"That she's dressed up to the nine."

Maybe I just live under a rock, but I have never heard this phrase before. What exactly does "dressed up to the nine" mean? I think what got you in trouble here is you tried to hard to rhyme "nine" with "fine," rhyming in poetry is fine and can work to your advantage, although you do run the risk of your writing sounding forced. When your rhyming sounds forced, trying to rhyme rather than sound smooth in your writing, it makes the line read as choppy. Most the time your rhyming is quite good, but sometimes you fall off the wagon. So just be careful of that.

My other short note here is the repetition you use, now this of course repetition is up to the writer, however in my opinion you use it a little to much. The way I check my self if I'm using to much repetition is if my writing is become predictable as to what is going to be repeated again, I've used a little to much. I think you just say "They Tell" and especially "They" a little to many times. This can certainly be easily fixed by saying something like: "They tell her that she's pretty,/ That her mascara's fine,/her skin silky smooth." So on just a few lines you can drop the "That" or "They" or "there's" and make a smoother transition.

That's really all I have to say, great poem all around other than my short notes. Let me know if you ever need a review! Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Hi there. Welcome to YWS!

Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

This poem had a rather abrupt ending. I didn't really think it was necessary to hold off on it until that late in the poem. All of the poem except for the last two lines is exposition. The plot is mostly in the last two lines. I would end the exposition earlier if you're going to leave the rising action and climax in the last two lines.

Also, all but three of your lines start with T. Five Theys, Five thats, one Than, one To, and one There's. This is quite distracting when there is a whole ton of capital Ts on one side of the poem. It certainly distracted me. You should vary the words you use to start lines. It will make for a less repetitive read.

"They" remains undefined throughout the whole poem. I know it means her friends or whoever, but you still need to define that.

Use more images in your poem. You have makeup, and flawless skin, but you don't really show us. Use metaphors and similes to create images that reinforce your ideas.

There is potential in this poem. I can't wait to see it when it's more polished. I hope this review was helpful. Happy writing!