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by probablynot

"Remember this feeling"
I try so hard to go back to that memory,
and feel the same way I did at that exact moment.

 It was fleeting.
Nothing in particular, just watching things happen.
Watching things change.

I was no where beautiful,
I was sitting in the car waiting for someone,
but I sunk down in my seat and blocked my some of my sight  with my fingers.

I blocked out the buildings, and the street lights,
the asphalt and the cement,
and it was just the window and the sky.
I was surrounded by the sky.

I watch things change around me constantly,
and yet, my everyday seems so familiar, and routine
That day it was different.

I want to go back to that moment.
I want my thoughts to feel open,
"Remember this feeling"

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User avatar
532 Reviews

Points: 27927
Reviews: 532

Sun Feb 24, 2013 9:21 pm
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...

Hey probablynot! I'm Arc, here to review!

So I really did like this piece. I enjoyed how it was like continuous story type thing because I always think that's quite nice in a song. I quite liked your repetition too as repetition in a song can be quite boring, but you've used it really effectively. I also really like this line:

It was fleeting.

...Just sayin' ;)

To improve, I'm not really sure what to say other than using slightly more interesting and less obvious language just to make it sound different and unique :) Also, the structure is a bit weird to be lyrics and not a poem, so maybe clearly define the different sections. I did however notice the repeating sections and they were quite good!

Also, one thing I'd like to point out is the rhythm. Generally it was okay, but sometimes it's a bit over the place, so just read it out loud to see if you can fix any of that!

Overall I enjoyed it, PM me with any questions or if you want something else reviewed.

Keep Writing!

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92 Reviews

Points: 10056
Reviews: 92

Sun Feb 24, 2013 4:23 am
Wherethewindgoes wrote a review...

Salutations. I like the idea behind this poem, but, as niteowl said, I think it should be expanded upon. Add more detail, use phrases that elicit more meaning.
For instance:

"I blocked out the buildings, and the street lights,
the asphalt and the cement,
and it was just the window and the sky.
I was surrounded by the sky."

could become

"I blocked out the skyline of buildings that shimmered in the sun
the streetlights that swung above on frayed wires
the black asphalt that burned bare feet at this temperature
the cement beaten down by years of rolling tires
and it was just the window, in which I could see my distilled reflection
and the sky that lay above, a broad blue expanse that stretched on in all directions,
only interrupted by fluffy white clouds
It surrounded me."

or something like that. Just remember to add more so we can feel as if we are with the person, so we can live through the events of the poem.
I also have a few suggestions.
In the first line of the third stanza, "no where" should be one word.
In the first line of the fourth stanza, the comma isn't necessary, nor is it needed after "familiar" in the second line of the fifth stanza.
In the second to last stanza, "Remember this feeling" doesn't really seem to fit. Perhaps reword that stanza a bit.

Also, I don't really understand why the person wants to go back to that moment in particular. As was said, it was nothing special; why choose that day as opposed to others? Perhaps it has some emotional connection? Describe that, then.

Also, the ending was a bit...weak. Try to use more powerful words, show more emotion.

All in all, I like the concept, and this has the potential to be really good, but the meaning is diluted because the words used are too basic to express the ideas. With some of it reworded, this could be a really good poem. Good luck with any future writing!

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1238 Reviews

Points: 35807
Reviews: 1238

Thu Feb 14, 2013 1:48 am
niteowl wrote a review...

Hi probablynot and welcome to YWS!

First comment: I assume you didn't intend to post this in Lyrics since there's no song structure? I'll just review as if this was a poem.

I like the idea behind this, but I think it could be more descriptive. What was happening in that moment? What is constantly changing yet seems routine? What was different about that moment? The speaker may not remember the feelings, but surely she could recall the images associated. Without imagery, it's hard to engage the reader.

I think this piece has potential, but more specific descriptions would paint a picture for the reader and make it more interesting. Keep writing! :)

probablynot says...

Thanks for your review! I added a stanza, and it defiantly sounds better with more imagery. It was one of those things where I was finding it hard to pick the words, and I thought detail would make it seem like a stupid moment to have such a big feeling, you know?

If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck…you should not be so quick to jump to conclusions.
— Cecil Gershwin Palmer