Young Writers Society

Hey probablynot! I'm Arc, here to review!

So I really did like this piece. I enjoyed how it was like continuous story type thing because I always think that's quite nice in a song. I quite liked your repetition too as repetition in a song can be quite boring, but you've used it really effectively. I also really like this line:

It was fleeting.

Salutations. I like the idea behind this poem, but, as niteowl said, I think it should be expanded upon. Add more detail, use phrases that elicit more meaning.
For instance:

"I blocked out the buildings, and the street lights,
the asphalt and the cement,
and it was just the window and the sky.
I was surrounded by the sky."

could become

"I blocked out the skyline of buildings that shimmered in the sun
the streetlights that swung above on frayed wires
the black asphalt that burned bare feet at this temperature
the cement beaten down by years of rolling tires
and it was just the window, in which I could see my distilled reflection
and the sky that lay above, a broad blue expanse that stretched on in all directions,
only interrupted by fluffy white clouds
It surrounded me."

or something like that. Just remember to add more so we can feel as if we are with the person, so we can live through the events of the poem.
I also have a few suggestions.
In the first line of the third stanza, "no where" should be one word.
In the first line of the fourth stanza, the comma isn't necessary, nor is it needed after "familiar" in the second line of the fifth stanza.
In the second to last stanza, "Remember this feeling" doesn't really seem to fit. Perhaps reword that stanza a bit.

Also, I don't really understand why the person wants to go back to that moment in particular. As was said, it was nothing special; why choose that day as opposed to others? Perhaps it has some emotional connection? Describe that, then.

Also, the ending was a bit...weak. Try to use more powerful words, show more emotion.

All in all, I like the concept, and this has the potential to be really good, but the meaning is diluted because the words used are too basic to express the ideas. With some of it reworded, this could be a really good poem. Good luck with any future writing!

Hi probablynot and welcome to YWS!

First comment: I assume you didn't intend to post this in Lyrics since there's no song structure? I'll just review as if this was a poem.

I like the idea behind this, but I think it could be more descriptive. What was happening in that moment? What is constantly changing yet seems routine? What was different about that moment? The speaker may not remember the feelings, but surely she could recall the images associated. Without imagery, it's hard to engage the reader.

I think this piece has potential, but more specific descriptions would paint a picture for the reader and make it more interesting. Keep writing!