Descendance
Our footsteps echo in the darkness as I follow my master, the sound bouncing off the damp stone walls of the ancient temple. We had been sent here by the council to investigate some ruins on an ancient planet that I’d never even heard of before. I could feel the Force as strong as ever here, but it felt as if it had been twisted inside out, the once soothing aura becoming something dark and somehow sinister.
We entered what seemed to be the central chamber of the old temple. Ancient statues formed a circle around a pedestal in the middle of the chamber, each of the old, stone beings holding a stone lightsabers above their heads. My master moved forward, his robes silently dragging behind him as he inspected the scene. My eyes wandered to the ceiling of the chamber. Deep inscriptions covered the domed ceiling, a single part of it missing where a ray of sunlight beamed in.
Something isn’t right here. I study the inscriptions closely, tracing the curves of each unfamiliar
letter. I glanced back to my master, only to find that he had disappeared. A sudden wave of fear washed over me before I realized that he’d probably ventured deeper into the ruins. Cautiously, I reached out with the Force to find him.
Something instantly reached back and danger prickled all along my neck. I retreated back into my mind and threw up barriers to keep the darkness out. I scanned the chamber again and noticed my master’s lightsaber resting upon the altar, though there was still no trace of him. The darkness seemed to be getting closer, whispers clawing at the back of my head. Something really was wrong here.
I rushed forward to the altar and picked the lightsaber up. I felt a wave of reassurance as it hissed to life, the deep viridian green blade pulsating in my hands.
“Master!” I shouted, my voice echoing off of the walls of the vast, empty chamber. ”Where are you?!” For a split second I thought I felt him somewhere deeper in the ruins. I followed my instincts and rushed into one of the side hallways, not wanting to lose trace of him.
My eyes scanned the halls in the green light, hoping to find some kind of clue as to what he was doing down here. I noticed a door on the right ahead and peered around the corner. Low lights glowed at the bottom of a staircase, setting me even more on edge.
I deactivated the lightsaber and clipped it onto my belt before I began my descent. The lights seemed to get dimmer the further down I went. I was just able to make out a throne at the far end of the room as the whispers in the back of my mind became stronger. A tall, cloaked figure stepped out from the shadows, his hood masking his face.
The air seemed to take on a sudden weight, becoming thick and heavy. I can’t breathe! Reaching out, I focused everything I had on the figure and shouted at him. The pressure instantly disappeared as the figure dropped to his knees, his hands trying to cover his ears. Taking the initiative, I summoned my Master’s lightsaber to my hand and rushed forward.
Deep laughter echoed throughout the room and instantly my attack faltered. I slid to a stop, staring in horror at the hooded figure before me. The laughter was that of my Master. I closed my eyes, once again reaching out through the Force and trying to locate him. Darkness was everywhere, surrounding me, threatening to engulf me. I searched for the connection to him, for that shred of light. Fear filled my senses as I opened my eyes.
The figure had stood and ignited his own lightsaber. The deep laughing was coming from him. No... No no no no! He reached up and pulled down the hood of his cloak revealing the dark cyan eyes of my Master.
“You’ve done well... My apprentice.” he laughed as he circled around me. I didn’t move, too shocked at what was happening. Immobilized by fear, I stared up at him as Master Dalrek stopped in front of me, his auburn hair dangling in his eyes.
“The Jedi have betrayed us. Lied to us to gain power over us. They are the true evil in this Galaxy, not the Confederacy. They threaten the Republic, and with it, everything that you stand for.”
Lies?... Jedi don’t lie... Do they?...
“They whisked you away from your mother, leaving her to rot in the desolate wastes of the undercity of Coruscant. You were merely a pawn in their game, a puppet to dance at their request. They’ve used you.”
My thoughts danced at rapid speeds. I couldn’t focus on anything. What’s happening? Why do I feel so... Angry? I looked him the eyes, the defiance building within me. His eyes were unforgiving, full of cruel hatred and anger. He wasn’t my master. Not anymore.
I summoned his old saber to my hands and lunged at him, only to be greeted with more laughter as he countered with a parry and shoved me away. My boots skidded along the stone floor, trying to reduce my speed.
A surge in the Force warned me and I ducked, throwing myself to the floor. The air seemed to crackle with energy from his blade, making my hair stand on end.
Why did it come to this? I struck back at him, not caring how reckless the attack was. A small amount of fear filled his eyes as I pushed him further and further back, pounding him with blow after blow. The glow of green on red was a blur as we attacked faster and faster, dropping into the currents of the Force.
Surprise filled me as his boot met my face, smashing me into the wall. The force of the impact sent the saber flying from my hand, leaving me disoriented and defenseless. Dalrek walked over to me and lifted his lightsaber above his head, looking like one of the stone statues from the other chamber.
“Now apprentice, the time for you to die has come. Say hello to your friends for me.” Time seemed to slow as he brought the crimson blade down. So. This is how it ends... I closed my eyes and waited for the end to come. Something clattered to the ground next to me and I opened my eyes.
A blade of deep blue stuck out from the center of Daleks chest, his eyes wide in shock. With a sharp hiss the blade disappeared and he crumpled to the ground. Standing behind him was Ilieana, eyes serious as she looked down at him.
“Come youngling, your journey has only just begun.”
This is really good and although I am not a super Starwars fan, it held my attention until the very end. Your imagery is really good as well as description and I love the tension. Watch grammer on occasion and punctuation. Although this is an area I had to watch as well, there are times when this needs addressing. Overall however, a really good attempt 
!
oh, btw, I meant to say that the last line set me on the edge of my seat, wanting to know what happens
This is really good and although I am not a super Starwars fan, it held my attention until the very end. Your imagery is really good as well as description and I love the tension. Watch grammer on occasion and punctuation. Although this is an area I had to watch as well, there are times when this needs addressing. Overall however, a really good attempt
Hey, thanks for the reviews and criticisms! I'll work on what you guys have pointed out.
Good afternoon,
I'm a little new to fan-fiction but I'll do my best to offer opinion on this simply as a short story. My first impressions are on your opening line where you say the footsteps echo in the darkness and there's a very present atmosphere I really like. However that's just the problem - the first paragraph is in present tense. As soon as we're launched into the second paragraph following on your switch to past tense. This feels a little jumpy. It's easily fixed with a little rewriting but it was the first thing I noticed in your story.
The story's dialogue is good also and works well as a motor in the narrative, however at some points it does feel dialogue-heavy, mainly in the middle. We could do with more atmosphere and tension building here to greater head your ending's effect, however we're merely bogged down in conversation. Saying that, the chemistry is very good and clear.
I did have an issue with this:
Lies?... Jedi don’t lie... Do they?...
Jalmoc <3
To start
The opening to this is fantastic. Right from the word go I can feel the relationship between these two characters. The introduction is gripping and you do really well to set the scene.
It seems to dwindle a little further down though. As the pace speeds up it becomes less like a story and more like a narration of 'this happened that happened.'
Action, Structure and Perspective
I think you could really benefit from playing around with sentence structures for a while. It's natural for us to slip into 'I looked,' 'I saw', 'I felt,' when we're trying to write an action scene, because we're trying to make everything more immediate.
You need to make things more immediate for your reader though, not for you. When panic hits we very rarely see things through the logical perspective of chronilogical events. Instead we get an overload of senses and more often resort to instinct more than logic.
If your kitchen went on fire you wouldn't notice the details of what happened or think too much on it. Instinct would say "Fire! Ah! Get out!" and you'd be more occupied with the flash of light and wouldn't even consider whether or not you were still holding the spoon.
So instead of 'I felt a wave of reassurance as it hissed to life,' you would say; 'it came to life with a reassuring hiss'- or something along those lines. This is less about what you're telling the reader your mc feels, and more about telling them what is felt.
'I rushed forward to the altar and picked the lightsaber up' is another example. In the midst of panic we don't really give a toss about how we get from the cooker to the door way. That doesn't matter. What matters is how the doorway will lead us to safety, and getting over anything that might be in the way.
If you must mention how your character gets across the room then blend it, don't make it the heart of the sentence. Maybe 'I ran for the lightsaber, which came to life with a reassuring...' And so on.
Overall
I like the way this is going, and I'm slightly disappointed that/if this is the only part. I think action is probably your achilles heal, so take into account what I (and LouisCypher) have said and work hard at it.
Also, let me know if you edit it, I'd like to see what you can turn it into.
Hey Jalmoc! Wooo, Star Wars fanfiction!
//cackle
Dalek. Star Wars... Dalek..? Get it? Get it? No? Hm. Then I guess I ought to get to the review.
Well, this short could be polished up somewhat, I must say. You could set the atmosphere for this much better, I think, really gear the readers up for the sudden appearance of the Sith. You could achieve this firstly by adding in some of your character's thoughts/emotions. And to make these more understandable, more vivid, I like to use similes/metaphors. But mostly similes. Like say, "fear as a/akin to/like a cold, clammy hand gripping me" or something. I dunno, it may just be me, but it makes things so much more... solid, I suppose. Concrete. You feel me?
And another tool that helps set up the atmosphere -- description. You could do so much more than give us the basic appearance of the temple, though I did appreciate the little comment about the Force, even if that too could be bulked out. You could, for example, throw in what the temperature is, if lichen, perhaps glowing sickly, is crawling up the walls. Does light peek through a stone crack highlight dancing dust motes, or does it create blades of shadow on the cruel stone? Are the inscriptions elegant and flowing yet eerie and ominous, or are they the vulgar, angry hacks of a dark mind? All these seemingly insignificant details can build up to something pretty awesome, if you ask me.
Furthermore, I would like to say that the whole master vanishing and sudden reappearance of the Sith was rather... sudden. So sudden I couldn't register it properly, and the shock impact was gone, and that was, well, derp. It all happened really quickly: the appearance, the fight, the sudden death. I didn't have time to process it, really. You may want to slow that down a bit in places, build up the tension somehow.
Though this was indeed a short story, and maybe it wasn't your primary focus, I would also like to point out that I couldn't really connect to the character. He didn't stand out to me, really, there was nothing new or intriguing, nothing special. Nothing really in this story stood out to me. Now, if it's part of a bigger project, snapshots of this apprentice's life, sure, but as a standalone, this isn't really impressive.
Now, a few brief grammatical nit-picks. The most glaring mistake is your sudden tense-switch from past to present. Read it through carefully and see if you don't agree with me.
Our footsteps echo in the darkness as I follow my master,(...)
We entered what seemed to be the central chamber of the old temple.
A blade of deep blue stuck out from the center of Daleks chest, his eyes wide in shock
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