Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » General

E - Everyone

The Song of The Writer.

by kayfortnight

Keep your feet in time with the music.
That's it.
Let's dance.

Breath to the rhythm of your soul.
You can.
Just dance.

Sing to your quicking heart.
What's that?
Can't stop?

Y'see, that was my plan.
I knew.
Don't feel bad.

No one has ever resisted the lifebeat.
I'm amazed.
You almost died.

But the song has you fully now.
Can you feel it?
Lost in the chords?

You are the song and the music is your mind.
You've found your creativity.
You're a writer.

I'm jealous, young one.
I can't.

You tell me to follow the music?
I told you.
I can't.

Just take it one step at a time.
To me.

Find the creativity
and write.
Just dance.
and write.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
1313 Reviews

Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

Sun Feb 24, 2013 4:08 am
Hannah wrote a review...

Oh my, I love this. I think it needs more thought and more work, but I love the quick step timing of the rhythm and the direct address. The opening two stanzas are definitely the strongest, but I also like this line:

No one has ever resisted the lifebeat.

It really opens up this simple idea of dancing to a beat to something deeper: something within the human. It's an awesome way to just slip in this depth of philosophy that the poem would otherwise be missing. I am impressed.

Now, for some things that I am not so impressed by. I think you need to be careful to keep the same tone of voice throughout your poem. You start with very timeless, slightly-epic words, and then suddenly pull out a "y'see", which is completely colloquial and informal. "Don't feel bad", too, sounds very young and modern compared to the timelessness of the idea of compelled dancing. Choose your words carefully. Consider each one.

Also, I'm not sure about the idea of two characters. I like that this one person is talking to me and telling me to dance, but the thing I never really liked about choose your own adventure book was when they would tell me what I was feeling and what I was doing without me choosing. Here, this poem tells me I ask the old man to dance, too, when I wasn't even thinking about doing that, you know? Suddenly I am not being addressed, but I have to pull myself out of the poem and let the second character take over.

Lastly, I don't like the stretched comparison between writing and dancing. I know you probably feel strongly about each, but writing comes out of no where in this poem. This is a dance, and I feel it should be only about dancing, and for you it can have the second meaning of writing, and for others it might have a second meaning of gardening, if gardening makes them feel like they are dancing, but putting writing specifically into the poem weakens it and loses some of your audience.

PM me if you have any questions about my review, please. I hope it was helpful.

Good luck and keep writing!

User avatar
43 Reviews

Points: 368
Reviews: 43

Sun Feb 24, 2013 3:40 am
DragonGirl11 wrote a review...

Hey Kayfortnight! It's me again :D I'm not so good at reviewing poetry as prose, but here I go anyway. I definitely like this piece very. As someone who dances and writes and really has no idea how to do either, I understand how both arts flow straight from the soul. On the technical level, however, I have a few things to note.

Y'see, that was my plan.

This would probably be better expanded into "You see," because it doesn't change the amount of syllables, and I think it would go better with the clean, almost sharp feel of the rest of the poem. (Sharp as in "Sharp dressed man," not sharp as in pointy.)

You've found your creativity.

Most of your second lines are two syllables long, some even up to four, but this one is eight. Whoah there, might want to change that. (It's your poem, I'll let you figure out how.)

Just take it one step at a time.
To me.

"To me" threw me for a loop the first time through. Take it one step at a time to me? Uh... If what you mean like, "step towards me" or something, you might want to make it a little clearer.

Now, the good parts :D
quicking heart.

the lifebeat
I really, really, really like your diction. (That is, word choice.) Especially in these little bits here.
You are the song and the music is your mind.
Ok, this line is my favourite. Metaphors are awesome.

So, yeah. Over all, really nice poem, a certain je ne sais quoi about it that I enjoy.

Write on, and God bless!

User avatar
328 Reviews

Points: 99
Reviews: 328

Sun Feb 24, 2013 12:40 am
LadySpark wrote a review...

Hello dear! Here to review! ;) My name is Spark! :D

So, I found this poem to be good is theory, but just a little confusing in execution. At first, I thought it was a character teaching the author to dance, but by the end it turned out the person teaching the target audience to dance couldn't dance and I really starting wondering. Is it a retired author giving advice to a younger, newer, fresher author? Is it someone who's lost their hands and physically can't write anymore giving advice to someone with hands? Is it someone who's been writing for a long time and thinks their time is past giving advice to someone just starting?

And then you pulled the dancing metaphor into it, and I was majorly excited. Because, I'm a ballerina and anything that remotely references dance makes me happy. I instantly starting reading it as though I were waltzing, you know, 1,2,3 1,2,3 1,2,3 etc etc. And I was really excited. I thought the opening was brilliant, because it set the tone for the piece. But I'd really really like it if you put it between quote marks, because I feel like it'd feel more personal. The character is directly speaking to the reader. I think if you put the whole thing in quotes, almost turning it into a monologue, it'd make it really original. More advicey.

My biggest problem with this poem is the disjointedness. It goes from teaching someone to dance to being jealous because you can't dance anymore and you're suddenly bringing the character's feelings into it along with the readers. You have to tread delicately when talking directly to the reader. It can get confusing very very quickly. And I don't want this to be confusing cause I really like this poem. So think about that. Also, the end. It's the poem in a nutshell, and then you throw italics in there and then it's just all over the place and it's not a very good ending. Think about this. When you read something, you remember the end. Not the beginning, not the middle. The end. That means the end has to perfectly sum up what you're trying to say, eloquently and smoothly. And when I say sum up, I don't mean repeat what's already been said. I mean think of a new way to say what's already been said, if that makes sense.

"Keep your feet in time with the music.
That's it.
Let's dance."

I hope this review helps, let me know if you have any questions.

User avatar
1125 Reviews

Points: 53410
Reviews: 1125

Mon Feb 11, 2013 10:12 pm
StellaThomas says...

Just to let you know, I decided to make this piece one of my Pick of the Day on Squills. Lovely job!

Why can't I put the entire Bee Movie in the quote generator? Would you prefer if I put in the Shrek script instead?
— CaptainJack