Young Writers Society

Hi SpanishFlower, this poem is nice, but I will give you a little advice on how I think you can make it better:

When I see you
love is true .
Happy thoughts come back
to you.

I like those first two lines! While I wouldn't normally suggest that you talk about "love" in a way that doesn't really give us a picture, there are times that it is okay. But you do sort of include an image there, with the person looking at the other person. So I think they are just fine, and the rhyme is good.

What I don't really like are the last two lines here. It's kind of boring and overly nice and happy. You don't want your poems to be filled with really over-the-top niceness because it feels fake to many people. It is cute overload. Plus these two lines don't paint any pictures at all, so it is hard to imagine exactly what the readers are supposed to do with that information.

Beautiful with soft tan skin,
blue bright eyes,
And light blonde hair,
to cuddle aside.

It is good that you want us to imagine the person that is beautiful in the poem, but with all of these details, it almost feels like you are simply telling us a story instead of writing a poem. If you want to tell us these things, perhaps you can compare them to something else? Don't be afraid to use metaphors! They make poetry so much more fun, and isn't it more fun to imagine something in a way you have never thought about it before?

You are perfect
clean and crisp.
hold me tight
tell secrets every night.

The first two lines of this are also somewhat boring. What does "perfect" even mean? It doesn't tell us anything about the person and who is truly perfect anyway? The word "perfect" doesn't usually belong in poetry because it is an easy word to use, but it doesn't help give us any real details about what it describes.

The words "clean" and "crisp" are a bit odd here. While "clean" tells us a little, it is strange to me because you are talking about the person the narrator loves. Is being "clean" really that important enough of a detail that the narrator has to mention it? And with "crisp" it is also strange. What does it mean for a person to be "crisp"? And even if you are trying to use it as a phrase, "clean and crisp", well I think you are trying to make this person seem perfect again, and I have already explained why that is a bad adjective in poetry.

You can use "hold me tight", but it should be saying something. Right now it feels like you just have it in your poem because you didn't know what else to say.

However, I absolutely love the line "tell me secrets every night"! (I think you wanted "me" in there.) It is the best line of your whole poem because it paints us a picture and it tells us a lot about the people in the poem in five small words. Now the readers' minds are imagining all kinds of things. Are they bad secrets or silly secrets? Do they tell them because they are vulnerable? Or maybe they trust that person completely?

See how many thoughts rushed through my head because of that line? That sort of reaction is exactly the kind you want...in each of your lines if you can!

Nice job on the poem, I hope you continue to work on it. Please feel free to message me if you want me to explain anything further.