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Sick Pet Turtles

by Morrigan

We covered ourselves with curtains
while your hand rested upon my back.
You shivered beside me, too
unwell to notice the difference
between her and me.

You covered me like a turtle clings to
sun-warmed boulders, and being a stone,
I remained anchored to the riverbed.
What will she do to me when
she draws back the fever curtains
and finds her turtle clinging
to a river boulder?

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User avatar
413 Reviews

Points: 11009
Reviews: 413

Sun Feb 24, 2013 3:50 pm
Cailey wrote a review...

Hey there, Cailey here with a review!
Okay, so I like this, it's cute and simple and lovely.
As for reviewing:
There are a few places where I think your flow is off a bit. For example, a lot of your line breaks through me off, since it's like an added pause where a pause shouldn't be. And even when I tried to just keep reading without pausing, my brain kept on stopping there because that's a lot like what a line break in poetry is supposed to do.
So, I'd suggest finding different ways to break up the lines. Maybe split where's there's punctuation so that there's already supposed to be a pause? Anyway, it's up to you and maybe you have a reason for these breaks.
Next. I think you have gorgeous imagery. I love the metaphor of the boy as a rock and the girl as a stone. However, I wasn't completely sure what was going on here. It isn't clear that he's really sick, or who she is, or whether she's sick too. Plus there's mention of another girl, and it was just a bit unclear about what's going on.
So, I hope this helped, overall, good piece, I really liked it.

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376 Reviews

Points: 16552
Reviews: 376

Wed Feb 13, 2013 1:53 am
Trident wrote a review...

Hi magpie, here are some of my thoughts:

We covered ourselves with curtains of fever
while your hand rested upon my back.
You shivered beside me, too
unwell to notice the difference
between her and me.

I am really impressed by the vividness and originality in your imagery. I do, however, have an issue with "curtains of fever" which is an image that just isn't translating for me. Number one, curtains are a good enough image and the fact that you are covering yourselves with curtains is fun and unique, but adding the "fever" part to it is incongruous. It may be a good metaphor, but that should be gradually introduced to us, not thrown in our face, making it difficult for us to acknowledge.

The "too unwell to notice" is interesting and what I am getting out of this is a love triangle. I think perhaps this needs to be split into two stanzas as your idea is split here. Plus I think starting off the two stanzas with "We covered" and "You covered" is fitting.

You covered me like a turtle clings to
sun-warmed rocks, and being a boulder,
I remained anchored to the riverbed.

I love these images, though I think "being a boulder" is a bit of a mouthful.

What will she do to you when
she draws back the fever curtains
and finds her pet turtle clinging
to a river boulder?

I think you are trying to be too profound here, and the interrogative nature of this last sentence just strikes me as almost whiny and spiteful. Those emotions can be done in poetry, but for the most part they detract overall. I would really like it if this ending was done differently, not trying to be so self-satisfying and at that point we might relate better to the narrator.

Best of luck, the imagery really is great here!

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662 Reviews

Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

Mon Feb 11, 2013 12:53 am
dogs wrote a review...

Hello their Magpie! Dogs here with your review today! Well to start things off this is a good piece, I like the idea of it. Simple yet gets the point across, although I know it isn't specifically compatible with your writing style, I would like to see some more imagery here. That's just me though because I demand loads of imagery from almost every writer on YWS. So apart from that tiny side note, I think this is pretty darn good except for the rhythm of how it sounds. Which is where I'm gonna turn my nit picking skills to.

"your hand rested upon the small of my back"

Just a tad bit too long in comparison the the last line. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think the "small of the back" part is entirely necessary for understand this poem. So I think you should cut it down to: "Your hand rested upon my back."

"You shivered beside me, too"

When you read this out loud with the other two lines before it, you come to a slight issue in that you've said "you" three time a little bit too close in proximity to each other. I think it's more because you started each line with "you" and one "your." So that breaks up the rhythm a tad.

I think when you say "Her and me" in that fifth line, it's a little too short in comparison to the line before it, so that breaks up the flow there. Although that is an instance where you can leave it as is if you truly want to because it doesn't jitter your rhythm too much.

Well that's honestly all I can nit pick at. I like how your ending is a question, it leaves some un answered questions, but not too many that it makes the reader completely lost. Great piece and I enjoyed reading it as always. Keep up the wonderful work my friend!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032

This is a house of homes, a sacred place, by human passion made divinely sweet.
— Alfred Joyce Kilmer