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In Awe

by ScarlettFire


YWS Flash Fiction Frenzy stuff. XD

In Awe

The tent was huge and brightly coloured. It stood out against the pale yellow-green of the half-dead grass on the hill behind it. Mikel was in awe of it, of the way it towered over him, of the sounds and the sights. The animals, the various people and acts. He’d never seen anything like it before. Not in Melnar, and not in the world he was in now. He found it fascinating.

A tiger approached the bars on its cage as he walked past, hungry eyes following him carefully. Mikel gave it a wary glance. He didn’t like it, but he figured it was better if it was inside the cage rather than outside of it. The animal reminded him far too much of a certain beast which stank like rotting meat and had a taste for human flesh.

Mikel glanced beneath the cage-like trailer at a pair of legs on the other side. The shoes were black and shiny, and the pants above we a brilliant red. He followed those legs as they wandered off and around the corner of the trailer.

“Do you like her?” asked the man who had appeared. He looked important.

Mikel nodded. “Yes.”


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93 Reviews


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Fri Apr 25, 2014 12:47 am
Sylar wrote a review...



Hello, icannothearthings for a short review.

This was really awesome! I don't know if it's good that I'm reviewing this or not, because I've never reviewed flash fiction before. Now I want to read more!

"It stood out against the pale yellow-green of the half-dead grass on the hill behind it." In this sentence, you should only use one descriptive word with a dash in it. "The pale yellow-green of the dead grass . . ."

"He looked important." Take this out. It stops the flow, doesn't work with your voice, and doesn't add to the story.

"The animal reminded him far too much of a certain beast which stank like rotting meat and had a taste for human flesh." What? Your story isn't very confusing, until now. Also, isn't that a description on a tiger?

Aside from that, this piece was really cool! You gave me just enough information to get through the story, and I want to know more about Mikel and his life in Melnar. By the way, Melnar's a cool name. I loved your tone as well. You have a calm, descriptive (but not OVERLY descriptive) voice. Nice!

Overall, great job with this.

Alex out!




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Sun Feb 24, 2013 1:08 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Hmm. This is interesting. I'm going to be reviewing it from my idea of what makes good flash fiction, which means there's an entire sense of story contained in the text~

Which means that I don't think you've quite reached that level yet. We've an object, a setting, a character, a gestured an the introduction of a couple new characters, but there's no real change in the story. Even a change of heart could feel like a story to me, but all we've got is an affirmation. So what that this guy likes the tiger? Why is that important to me? It feels like the beginning of a piece, not a piece in itself.

But I tell you what: you do have room to make it its own piece if you were to stringently go through and cut out what's unnecessary.

Take for example:

It stood out against the pale yellow-green of the half-dead grass on the hill behind it.


Couldn't you say: It stood out against the half-dead hill behind it? We'd risk being too vague there, yes ('cept I like it 'cause it brings other tones and ideas into the description). If you don't like it like I do, what about: It stood out against the half-dead grass hill behind it. We've gone from sixteen words to ten. Could be room for a whole new sentence! You can cut a lot in this piece down in that way. Be careful and be strict, and make room for some turn of events.

I'm interested in what "certain best" Mikel makes reference to, by the way.

PM me if you have any questions.
Good luck and keep writing!




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Tue Feb 12, 2013 11:18 am
Caesar wrote a review...



Hey there Scar!

Now I'm not sure I remember this prompt exactly. You were supposed to write about a circus without using some words Jabsy gave you, right? Was there a word limit? Because this is rather short. Very very short indeed. You could have given us some more description, I think. Is it day, night, are lanterns shining, is there a crowd? The noise, the smells? The ending is also a tad inconclusive, I think. A man appears (oh yes, you couldn't use the word ringmaster -- is the man a ringmaster, anyways? What's he doing talking to Mikel?) and asks the boy (totally unrelated to this, but I read the Kincade prompt and Mikel seemed really young there) if he likes a tiger. Mikel likes the tiger. The end. What? I'm not quite sure what's going on here.

I like the little

Not in Melnar, and not in the world he was in now. He found it fascinating.


drop there. Makes me wonder who these people are and such things.


Well, that's about it really. The ending and lack of description for what should have been a descriptive piece, to recap.

Hope this helped
~Ita





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