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The Knight's Quest

by zephion


The knight galloped upon his steed, rather unknowingly toward what could only be the end of him. You see, the princess was captured by a dragon, and yadda, yadda, yadda, she must be saved by a brave suitor, blah, blah, blah, happily ever after the end. Though, this dragon was not to be defeated easily. No, he could breathe fire, pierce through armor with teeth and play a wicked game of chess. Anyways, even though certain doom lay before him, the knight carried on to the dragon’s cave.

The knight, equipped with shiny armor, a sharp blade and only the best GPS equipment found the dragon’s cave easily. Jumping off of his horse, he shouted into the cave.

“Hello, this is the Good Knight Henry, is anyone there?”

His call echoed throughout the cave, with no response.

“Is there anyone in this cave? Hello?”

Suddenly, a great booming voice came booming out of the cave.

“The dragon is not in his cave right now, please leave a message after the blood curdling scream of the princess.”

“Oh, um yes, hello,” said the knight, stumbling over his words, “Er, if there is no dragon, I suppose that I’ll come back later to save the princess. Um, thank you, good bye.”

As the knight began to turn around he noticed a shadow about him. Next, there was a crunching and a rather ugly sounding scream. The knight turned around to see the dragon, munching upon what used to be the Knight’s gallant steed with the princess in one great clawed hand.

“Oh, well hello there dragon!”

“Hello Knight, how may I be of service to you.”

“Well, you could not eat me horse.”

“Hmmm no, it’s a little late for that one.”

“Yes, I suppose so, well, could you put the princess down?”

“No, no, see I have plans with her.”

“Fair enough,” said the good knight, scratching his head, “well, you could sword through your chest.”

“That would hurt, would it not.”

“Yes, it would, that is the, erm, intention.”

“Oh, I see, you wish me dead.”

“Yes, very much so.”

“Well, that rather hurts my feelings.”

The great dragon tossed what was left of the horse down his maw and swooped down his scaled hand to pick up the knight. What seemed to be the lizard equivalent of a smile came across the beast’s jaw.

“Well, look at that, now I have two morsels for dinner. It has been a good day hasn’t it.” Bellowed the dragon.

The dragon began to reach his giant jaw toward the knight in shining armor, then a booming, but slightly higher voice came from the cave.”

“Harold, don’t eat those people, you’ll spoil your dinner.”

The dragon hung his head.

“Yes, mom.”

He dropped the pair of endangered humans and slithered into his cave.

The Knight dusted himself off and helped up the dirtied princess. There was a pause as both figured scanned the area.

The Knight cleared his throat.

“So…… wanna make out.”


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Sat Aug 03, 2013 9:03 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hello! So recently, you signed up for the Secret Santa event, but Santa didn't quite make it to your house in time for Christmas in July so he asked if I would deliver the reviews for him :p This will be the first of your two super secret reviews!

Specifics

1. Wordiness! Okay so you're very wordy and that doesn't work so well for an action story as it makes the writing slow and bulky when you want it to be crisp and fun. Let's take your first sentence as an example:

The knight galloped upon his steed, rather unknowingly toward what could only be the end of him.

There's no need to say on his steed and the 'rather' is a little bit jarring. If you take those out then you're left with something much more smoother, maybe a little like...

The knight galloped unknowingly toward what could only be the end of him.

2. I'm not sure about the style of this. I like the idea of getting a story about knights and princesses because those are fun stories, but the poking fun at the genre isn't really funny or fun enough for me to be having a good time. Instead, I'd rather have the knights and princesses tale please!

3.

The knight, equipped with shiny armor, a sharp blade and only the best GPS equipment found the dragon’s cave easily.
This is the first line which I've really liked! Great job at throwing the GPS in there casually - more of that would help this to be a stronger piece.

4.
“Fair enough,” said the good knight, scratching his head, “well, you could sword through your chest.”
This is a little rapidly written in places so have a quick look through and tidy up the sentences which don't make sense like this one. Then have a long look through and make sure you've caught them all ;)

5. I like the dialogue between the knight and the dragon. It's pretty punchy and I like the knight's personality which is well defined for such a short piece.

Overall

Okay so there's some things I like about this, but for you to get something worthwhile out of it, I think you'd have to go beyond the original exercise and extend it. The integration of the age of knights and the modern era is a cool idea, but I'd like to see more of that to make it a little smoother and more widespread. I'd also like to see a longer confrontation section before the dragon gets called away to dinner.

Keep writing!

Heather xxx




zephion says...


Well first of all, you're awesome for filling in for all of the Santas, and second, I was constrained by a word count for this piece otherwise I would have made it longer. Thanks a bunch!



zephion says...


Well first of all, you're awesome for filling in for all of the Santas, and second, I was constrained by a word count for this piece otherwise I would have made it longer. Thanks a bunch!



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Thu Apr 18, 2013 5:06 pm
Zephionlovesmen wrote a review...



This story really keeps you on the edge of seat. When you think they all get eaten, a mother comes to the rescue to stop the dragon.

I find the moral of the story to be lacking. Perhaps you should change it to something like, "Never trust an Albanian Stripper". Themes such as this are much more applicable to the present day.

Good luck, and may the odds be ever in your favor.

Love, Ronald Reagamos.




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Mon Feb 18, 2013 8:55 pm
Cadi wrote a review...



Hey there, zeph!

Glad to see you got something out of the Flash Fiction event - it's nice that it was a lot of fun, and also helped you turn out a story!

I'll start with the stuff I like about this. I love the slightly less-than-serious tone this has going - knights, princesses and dragons have been done to death over the years, so your casual treatment of the characters and the plot device is a good way to go about giving it a bit of a refresh. The back-and-forth between the knight and the dragon is good, too, and the ending gives us an unexpected resolution to the whole thing.

(Speaking of the ending, "wanna make out" really needs a question mark at the end of it, since it is, after all, a question.)

Now, in terms of things that could be improved. The GPS and the dragon's "answerphone" message are both very nice features - unexpected and anachronistc, but also amusing. The only issue I have with them is that at the moment they feel a little too out of place - they've been dropped in, and then we carry on as we were. I know you were working within the 500-word limit, but I'd suggest playing a little more with the interweaving of traditional knight-and-dragon and modern technology. That doesn't necessarily mean explaining why the two are mixed, but adding a few more references to modern tech would help the current bits seem a bit more meant-to-be-here.

I'd also like to suggest adding just a little more after the answerphone message. For one thing, it would be good to have the "bloodcurdling scream" actually mentioned in the narration, because at the moment it feels like the message mentioned one, and then there wasn't one. For another, I'd also be keen to see a quick line or two between the knight and the dragon about "woah, the message said you were out", just because at the moment it feels like they just forgot the answerphone thing happened at all.

Other than that, I don't have an awful lot to say - this made me smile, and I'd love to read more like it! If you've got any questions about what I've said here, if you'd like me to check spelling and grammar, or if you'd just like to chat, please do feel free to drop me a message. Otherwise, happy writing!

Cadi x




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Sun Feb 10, 2013 6:44 pm
Caesar wrote a review...



AHA. Hey there Sephiroth!

Good stuff this, good stuff this. Terribly cliche, but good stuff nonetheless. I'd like to point out the ending as very cliche, in fact, I've read, or listened to, the same exact lines in a move, or book, before. The whole subversion, in fact, is incredibly cliche. You bring nothing new to the table except a complete lack of description, which I recommend fixing, and typos.

The knight galloped upon his steed, rather unknowingly toward what could only be the end of him.


I would insert a comma after unknowingly, it being a subordinate proposition etc etc.

(...)only the best GPS equipment found the dragon’s cave easily.


I get that this isn't exactly serious, but GPS? Really? Oh and let's not mention this knight doesn't act like a knight at all... I may just be acting like a killjoy.

“Hello Knight, how may I be of service to you.”


That is a question, thus there should be a question mark. You repeat it more flagrantly here:

“So…… wanna make out.”



In short, cliche, lacks description, one huge chunk of dialogue. But a good effort nonetheless!

Hope this helped
~Ita




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Sun Feb 10, 2013 5:17 pm
Dreamery says...



Hilarious. All I have to say... For now.





It's unsettling to know how little separates each of us from another life altogether.
— Wes Moore, The Other Wes Moore