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Stepping Stones

by Seastormy


The world had revolved around
Stepping stones, safe and sound.
Surrounding waters that lay in silence,
Were clouded with blissful ignorance.

But upon finding a different outlook,
It became harder to see the path I took.
The stones with the beautiful design,
Became horribly hard to find.

And when science and stars became relevant,
I mentally took the idea with resent
And stood searching for
A lie that lived no more.

Time showed me where to focus my attention,
Though nonbelieving wasn't my intention.
So barefeet touched clear lake floor,
Where I could have swore,
There were stepping stones.


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1313 Reviews


Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

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Sun Feb 24, 2013 12:39 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Uh. This is amazing. I am not religious and I don't want to be, but I can understand so clearly the idea behind this because of the image and narrative you chose. I have never read a religious poem that has been this accessible and yet this clearly religious.

I am also impressed because the rhyming in this poem does not seem obviously forced at any moment, and that rhyming gives it a second of being pieces in a puzzle, fitting in exactly, which only serves to heighten how successful your poem is otherwise.

Can I say, too, I love the reference in "the beautiful design" and how exactly it fits the concrete image of the poem and the philosophy you're exploring.

So now, all the praise out of the way, let's take a look at some of the weak spots. For one, here:

And when science and stars became relevant,
I mentally took the idea with resent


I love the phrasing of the stars becoming relevant, but the idea of "I mentally took the idea with resent" has no clear meaning, which is extra detrimental to your piece because you've been so clear up until this point, you know? In fact, this lack of clarity bleeds through to the end of this stanza, when I don't understand why, if the narrator has taken the idea of science and stars, they'd still be looking for the lie. In what way? To see if they could prove it? To see if they could find it at all from the brightness of the place where they were? Just a little more clarity would bring the philosophy out, and would really strengthen us through that section to bring us to your strong, strong, ending.

The other thing I'd say to have a look at would be your meter. Here's a clear example:

So barefeet touched clear lake floor,
Where I could have swore,


First of all, barefeet should be two words. Barefoot is an adjective and a single word.
Secondly, you can see that the first line has seven syllables, while the second line has only five and fits exactly with the last line, but that then alienates it from the rest of the stanza. I'd try to fix it up. Give it some thought!

PM me if you have any questions, okay?
Good luck and keep writing!




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813 Reviews


Points: 28451
Reviews: 813

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Wed Feb 13, 2013 12:09 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there.

This is pretty good. I like that you keep focused on the idea of stepping stones and likened it to something else. Nice job.

The world had revolved around

Omit "had." It's already in the past tense without it, and it only makes it longer.

Surrounding waters that lay in silence,

add "the" before. It'll help improve clarity.

But upon finding a different outlook,

The wording feels a little off to me here. It's a little stilted, like you really had to reach for that rhyme. I'm not a big fan of rhyme, anyway. I suggest trying this in a less strict rhyme scheme. Never allow your rhyme scheme to dictate your vocabulary.

The stones with the beautiful design,
Became horribly hard to find.

I think that you should show us the design instead of saying beautiful. To make a beautiful poem, you usually don't want to see the word "beautiful" in the poem. Show us what you mean. Also, I don't like the word horribly. How about "became impossible to find." It would also improve the rhythm here. It feels a syllable short as it is.

I mentally took the idea with resent

It needs to be "resentment" here. It isn't grammatically correct when it is as it is.

And stood searching for

I think these lines need more emotion in them. They're kind of where the speaker has an epiphany. These lines are just kind of like, yeah, the lie is dead. I think your issue is the word "stood." Standing doesn't convey anything about the speaker. You could say "wept" if the epiphany is sad. Or frowned if the speaker isn't comfortable with it yet. See, I don't even know the correct emotion the speaker is feeling here.

Though nonbelieving wasn't my intention.

I think you mean "disbelieving."

bare feet is two words.
Swore should be "sworn."

I like the ending. Nice job. I hope this review was helpful. Happy writing!





It is only a novel... or, in short, only some work in which the greatest powers of the mind are displayed, in which the most thorough knowledge of human nature, the happiest delineation of its varieties, the liveliest effusions of wit and humour, are conveyed to the world in the best-chosen language
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