Uh. This is amazing. I am not religious and I don't want to be, but I can understand so clearly the idea behind this because of the image and narrative you chose. I have never read a religious poem that has been this accessible and yet this clearly religious.
I am also impressed because the rhyming in this poem does not seem obviously forced at any moment, and that rhyming gives it a second of being pieces in a puzzle, fitting in exactly, which only serves to heighten how successful your poem is otherwise.
Can I say, too, I love the reference in "the beautiful design" and how exactly it fits the concrete image of the poem and the philosophy you're exploring.
So now, all the praise out of the way, let's take a look at some of the weak spots. For one, here:
And when science and stars became relevant,
I mentally took the idea with resent
I love the phrasing of the stars becoming relevant, but the idea of "I mentally took the idea with resent" has no clear meaning, which is extra detrimental to your piece because you've been so clear up until this point, you know? In fact, this lack of clarity bleeds through to the end of this stanza, when I don't understand why, if the narrator has taken the idea of science and stars, they'd still be looking for the lie. In what way? To see if they could prove it? To see if they could find it at all from the brightness of the place where they were? Just a little more clarity would bring the philosophy out, and would really strengthen us through that section to bring us to your strong, strong, ending.
The other thing I'd say to have a look at would be your meter. Here's a clear example:
So barefeet touched clear lake floor,
Where I could have swore,
First of all, barefeet should be two words. Barefoot is an adjective and a single word.
Secondly, you can see that the first line has seven syllables, while the second line has only five and fits exactly with the last line, but that then alienates it from the rest of the stanza. I'd try to fix it up. Give it some thought!
PM me if you have any questions, okay?
Good luck and keep writing!
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