z

Young Writers Society



Yayo

by mistielovesyou


Well.

“You’re a pretty girl.” He tells me. He looks at me through heavy eyes and holds a drink in his hand. It’s something old fashioned. It looks pretty. I smile wryly as I can tell he feels fancy holding it in his hand.

I smile and nod, “Sure am. You’re a...pretty boy. I guess.” I’d had his sexuality guessed when I saw him walk in the room, but now I’m not so sure. The way he keeps shooting me bedroom eyes makes me reconsider.

He leans back against the bar, “What brings you to such a bright and delightful place this evening?” We both look around and laugh.

I shrug, trying for nonchalance. When he nods and smirks again, I think I nailed it. I say, “Well...just...out on the town.” I hope I don’t sound too pathetic. He moves even closer to me.

I swear I don’t know what it is. Well, I do know what it is. It’s the blond hair and the wide eyes and the lack of caring that draws men to me. I even blink at him, making sure to keep my expression empty of everything. He isn’t exactly the kind of men I usually attract, but the blank-canvas thing is universally attractive.

He laughs nervously and looks down a second. Then he looks back up at me and whispers, “I’m married.”

I make sure the punch in my gut that I feel doesn’t cloud my face. I grit my teeth and raise an eyebrow, “Really?”

He puts his drink down. Then he leans even closer, scanning my face. “Are...you okay with that?”

Then it clicks. I instantly throw back my head and laugh. I see him scramble and his face starts to redden. Then I give his shoulder a gentle push and lean just as closely into him, “I think that a little thing on the side isn’t a problem.” I whisper. I say it like we’re both in on a secret.

He looks at me and smiles hesitantly. “I wouldn’t think of you as just another thing on the side.”

Uh oh. I drop the humor in my expression and adopt a more serious tone. I toy with his sleeve, looking at it and then his face. “Of course not. I just...” I furrow my brow. Then I shake my head and smooth down the wrinkle on his sleeve and move back, “Nothing.”

He moves closer, “Tell me.”

I look off past him and pause before I say, “My life is pretty...meaningless right now. And sometimes...just a moment with someone else. A night with a beautiful girl,” I smile knowingly as I say it and he mimics my expression, “or a handsome boy can make all the difference. Fill that void, you know?” I stop and notice that he has started to give me it. The look.

I continue, “My life is a pot of emptiness.” I shake my head at the clumsy wording and laugh, “Forget it.”

“No.” He comes to me and puts his hand on my arm, “I get it.” He gives me the intense eye contact. He brings his other arm up and is holding my shoulders, “I get you.”

As he leans in for a kiss I feel the wave of nausea and victory. I sealed the deal.

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662 Reviews

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Sat Feb 09, 2013 10:14 pm
dogs wrote a review...



"holds a drink in his had"

Specify what kind of drink, naturally we assume that "drink" means booze, but as a reader I'm not 100% sure. So say is it gin, or a budlight, or what?

"I had his sexuality guessed when I saw him walk in the room"

Ok, this line is confusing. I understand what it means now after reading through it several times over. But your goal is to get your point across the first time I read it. So certainly clarify your meaning.

"shooting me bedroom eyes"

I'm sorry what? How do you give someone "bedroom eyes" do you mean eyes that insinuate sexual intentions or what? Is his face just screaming "I WANT SEX" Yada yada. Again clarify your meaning.

"I shake my head"

Your narrator is shaking her head a little too much. Mix it up, maybe throw in a sigh or or clenching of a fist. Something that's a little more out of the ordinary. Ok, so one of your little punchlines falls flat because you never described the room or wherever they are at in detail. You certainly need to create that scene before you going into the dialogue and what not, otherwise the reader is blind and can't see what you're tying to show them. So thats the first thing that's missing from here.

The other thing is that, what is the point of this piece? It seems like you just have a girl who bangs a guy whose married. Of course I'm over exaggerating and yes I know there is more to it than that, but on thats the highlighting point your write about. You need to make the other point your trying to prove or make more prominent in your piece. Otherwise it's just facts of what happened and it's boring to read. This is a good idea for a piece but just needs some polishing and touch ups. Let me know if you ever need a review, keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




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272 Reviews

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Sat Feb 09, 2013 8:43 pm
beckiw wrote a review...



Hey Mistie! :)

Came to have a look at your stoooory!

One thing that struck me instantly was that you didn't set the scene enough. I mean through their interactions and the drinks and what not we can guess that they're at some sort of club.

However, this line - 'He leans back against the bar, “What brings you to such a bright and delightful place this evening?” We both look around and laugh.'

I felt like I was missing out on some massive joke between the two of them. I started thinking, wait...is it empty where they are? Or is it a dive? Is that why they're laughing? Did I miss that at the beginning of the story?

So I think you kind of need to add some introductory description. Maybe instead of telling us that she clocked him when he came in, you show us. You write a bit where she watches him come in and thinks about how she has his sexuality pegged. How as her eyes drop off from him they roam over the empty room, only a few drunken people staggering on the dance floor and others scattered in booths or something like that.

There is also this weird contradiction going on with her character. At points she seems annoyed about the attention this man is giving her but then at other points she is pleased and by the end it seems like she was planning it all along. Maybe you could work in something like she doesn't realise why she's enjoying his company so much because she wanted to be alone. Or maybe if it's all a plan to get him you could work that in more other than the line that she wants to appear nonchalant. Or maybe he says certain things that trigger something in her and starts to bring her round more. I just think you need to work on the logic and consistency of her character a little more. I think you have some of this there, you just need to spend a little more time on it and bring it to the fore a little more.

I'm not sure the kiss at the end makes much sense either. It sort of feels like the guy is taking advantage of her weakness. Maybe he could just offer to talk with her something. Like no pressure? Because it seems like she wants company rather than to be with someone sexually. Or maybe all she wants is to be with some sexually to forget how lonely she feels. See, this is why you need to work on the character a little bit more because at the moment she's throwing up way too many questions.

Otherwise this was a nice little story :) Strangers meeting and coming to a kind of mutual understanding. I like that.

If you have any questions then feel free to PM me!

Bex x





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