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Young Writers Society



Meeting each other

by Renloverlol


They are complete opposites! Dinnita is a princess, while Aneli is from a poorer family. Dinnita is a princess at heart, same full of themself attitude, and completed it with shiny long golden straight hair and clear blue eyes. Aneli is shy at heart, but stands up to what's right. She has wavy brown hair with light brown strands in front and a couple tips, and brown, green, blue, and gold eyes. How they met was kinda ironic. They both somehow picked the same school, and even the same classes! Geez! Opposites do attract though. Dinnita had been walking up the steps to the school, Swift & Stealthy high school, when two 'it' girls came up to her. Dinni knew all about how beyatchy that kind of girls can be to you, so she waited for them to speak.
"Hey!" The blond girl with green eyes said.
"Hi!" Dinni answered back.
"Are you new here?" The pretty brunette asked.
"Yeah. I just got here." Dinnita replied.
The two girls exchanged looks. "Well," the blonde, obviously the leader, said, and studied dinni. "You are very pretty, and stylish. You can join our club." They both squealed. And gave dinni a hug. "Wait." The brunette said. "What's your name?"
Dinni answered, "dinnita. You could call me dinni."
"Pretty. Your in." The blonde said.
Then, the two girls took dinni by her arms, and proceeded to skip to her first class. This is how dinnita and Aneli meet.
"There's also another new girl." Britney said, the blonde.
"Ooo!" Amy cooed, the brunette, "maybe she's pretty, too!"
"What do you think, dinni? Should we try to seek out the new girl, or just leave her alone." Britney looked at dinnita.
"We shouldn't try. She's probably really ugly." Dinni said, to the two girls, who were smiling.
"Good job!" Britney said.
"You passed the test!" Amy said.
Just then, a girl walked in, surveyed the room, and sat down in the last row. She had wavy brown hair, with golden spots here and there, and these really cool eyes. There was gold, green, blue, and brown all mixed together.
"Is THAT her?" Britney said. "Let's shun her, and only talk to her to make fun of her."
"Ok." Amy and dinni agreed, but dinnita was perplexed by who this new girl was. She was pretty, but not the type guys want. Guys want blonde chicks with long legs and in a cheerleading outfit, not a brunette who is quiet, and short. And she, dinnita, was already fitting in this school, and she was gonna be a cheerleader. Dinni was screaming in her head. This was the best day ever!
Aneli, however, is having the worst day ever. First, her mom takes the car to be fixed, so Aneli had to take the bus. Second, the bus dropped her on the wrong spot. And third, this was a brand new school, for crying out loud! Aneli has had enough moving every six months, losing every single friend that she made. That's why, 4 moves ago, she stopped being social. She became a quiet, shy girl with no friends. She became THE loner. And she liked it. Not having to worry about missing a play her BFF was in or missing a concert her friend went to. She does miss, though, having someone to talk to. She is jealous of the groups of friends, especially the other new girl. What's her name? Diane, denna, dinnita? Yeah that's what it was, dinnita or dinni.

The three girls took one look at me, and the blonde with green eyes said loudly, "get out my way hobo!"

They looked at her again, and snorted.

The brunette said, "imagine! We thought she was gonna be pretty, but she is so not."

"C'mon, dinni! We gotta go." Green eyes said.

The blue eyes said, "Yeah. You are right, Britney, and Amy. We should've known." and looked down her nose at me. "Bye bye!" They called over their shoulder. Aneli already knew it would be a bad couple of months at this school.

The first class was English, and Aneli and Dinnita had to sit next to each other. The teacher forced everyone to introduce themselves with their partner. The two girls just looked at each other and said, "I already know you." Yep, that's how they started off the school year. You see, dinni wanted to have friends, but she was kinda stuckup, and didn't want to be friends with an 'ugly' girl, and Aneli didn't want to have friends, especially with a stuckup girl.

So, what did you think?

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11 Reviews

Points: 516
Reviews: 11

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Tue Feb 12, 2013 8:41 pm
InvertedClock wrote a review...



Good effort, however, it needs some improvement here and there. The story line is quite cliche and underdeveloped. Put more background into the characters and really bring them to life. The dialogue would flow a lot better which would make for a more interesting read. Think outside of the box. Throw twist and surprises that would catch the reader off guard and make them want to come back for more. Other than that, this was pretty good. Keep up the writing.




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247 Reviews

Points: 3414
Reviews: 247

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Sun Feb 10, 2013 4:44 pm
Searria H. wrote a review...



Hi there, Renlover!
First of all, welcome to YWS! I hope you've been enjoying yourself so far. :) Just a friendly reminder to help out your fellow writers by reviewing. Remember, the more review you give, the more people will be willing to review your work. :D

Okay, on to the review.

You have some very distinctive characters and a very approachable writing style. :) I agree that the concept is a little cliche, but as this is only the first chapter, you have plenty of time to put your own twists and spins on it. :D

General Grammatical Comments:
:arrow: I saw a lot of exclamation points. These can be tricky. If you overuse them, they lose their impact on the reader and become somewhat of a distraction. When you have an exclamatory phrase in dialogue, see if you can convey the emotion through your dialog tag rather than punctuation. For example, in your quote

"Bye Bye!" They called over their shoulder.
, I think you achieved the exclamation point with the word "called," so you don't need the "oomphy" punctuation.

:arrow: Always capitalize names. Sometimes you did, and sometimes you didn't. Just go back through and check those over. :)

:arrow: Whenever you have a dialogue tag after the quotation, the first word should be lower case unless it's a proper noun. For example,
"Pretty. Your in." The blonde said.

"The" should be lower case.

:arrow: If a piece of dialogue would normally end in a period, the period changes to a comma if the dialogue tag continues the sentence. Ex: "I like pie," Ernie said.
If what comes after the dialogue is a new sentence, then the dialogue would end in a period. Ex: "I like pie." Ernie reached for the last piece, but Jesse swiped it out from under him.

:arrow: Careful with your tenses. It was mostly in past tense, but then you switched a little into present tense. Easy fix. :)

Nit-picky grammar:
"C'mon, dinni! We gotta go." Green eyes said.

The blue eyes said, "Yeah.

I see what you were trying to do here, but the way it's worded makes it seem like their eyes themselves are talking. I would hyphenate "Green-eyes" and say "The blue-eyed girl," just to keep your wording from being repetitive.

same full of themself attitude

I think it should be "full-of-herself attitude"

We should've known." and looked down her nose at me.

Whoa! Who's "me?" This is the first and (I think) only lapse into first person.

General comments:
I know you were trying to give the reader a clear impression of your characters, but it gives us no room to explore when you tell us everything about them at once. Try slipping in physical descriptions a bit at a time and give us information about their personalities through their dialogue and interactions with others. Just by the way Britney and Amy treat others is a clear indication that they're the "pretty, popular" types. You don't need to tell us. Does that make sense?

I think you have a nice start here. You have a unique voice and a clear grasp of your characters. :)
If you have any questions about anything I've said, please don't hesitate to contact me. I'd be happy to help you out further with anything I can. :D
Happy writing!
-Sea-




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Points: 590
Reviews: 4

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Sat Feb 09, 2013 11:21 pm
Lulu93 wrote a review...



TO start, it's an interesting story line but so very cliche. A pretty girl is not pretty enough to be a popular so she gets made fun of. I think it needs more substance. AT times, it didn't flow very well. I think it is a good start though. Keep it up, I would like to read more.




Random avatar

Points: 590
Reviews: 4

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Sat Feb 09, 2013 11:19 pm
Lulu93 says...



TO start, it's an interesting story line but so very cliche. A pretty girl is not pretty enough to be a popular so she gets made fun of. I think it needs more substance. AT times, it didn't flow very well. I think it is a good start though. Keep it up, I would like to read more.





You wanna be a writer? You don't know how or when? Find a quiet place, use a humble pen.
— Paul Simon