Hello Hemayed. Dogs here with your review today, so interesting piece writing in the kind of little kid story format. I think your writing style is too choppy for this piece though. Sometimes it turns into a: and than this happened... and than... and than.. and than... and that just gets boring to read sometimes. Also I think this is a little too short, you never really set up the scene. You use good describers and all but you don't create an image of what the "village" really looks like. I would put more effort into that so the reader has a stronger image to go by.
So I understand the point you're trying to make here, if you keep your ending the same than you have absolutely no purpose for the second paragraph. Or even the first for that matter, they do nothing towards your moral or your short story. Unless you make a connection from the ending to that opening statement about kids being told scary stories and people speaking "of all sorts of things."
"The lovely family which was most liked"
Ok, are you saying that people like the family? Was the family popular? This line is very awkwardly worded and needs some revising, because I'm unsure at what point your trying to make in that line. Definitely write using normal conversational tone sometimes if you have to, in order to alleviate the readers confusion.
Ok, I think the story is cute but it's a little weak. I think there can certainly be stronger example of sacrifice, even small ones, from little boys. I highly doubt a waiter would be brought to tears by the fact someone left them a tip instead of buying something that they would rather have had. Also, leaving a tip for the waiter is just expected, even if you can afford something you'd rather get. So I don't really see this as a huge deep from the heart story because in my opinion the boy did what he was suppose to do and didn't step far out of his way to do a good deed.
So this is a good idea of a writing piece but in need of some more work certainly. Let me know if you re write it and I'd love to give it another review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Points: 52441
Reviews: 662
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