On the far east coast, lie a small descent village full of simple, yet modern houses. The people who lived in these houses were kind and soft-hearted. There was one house, in particular, which most of the villagers were acquainted with.
The neighbors were proud to have such a lovely family near them, and on warm nights, when the stars shined in the sky, they would all sit together and speak of all sorts of things. They would speak of their experiences and of their unforgettable moments. Their children would play with each other, the sit to join them, as the eldest parent told them one of his spooky tales.
On one day, the ten year old boy, Malik, son of Sarah and Joseph - the lovely family which most liked - was on his way to the city center. He stopped by a busy cafe in order to buy himself a nice, cold ice-cream.
Malik walked slowly into the cafe, his blue eyes shined as he looked around for an empty table. He walked towards one of the empty tables and gently sat down.
"What can I serve you, sir?" said a young handsome waiter.
Malik brushed a hand through his silky black hair and said: "How much is a chocolate ice-cream?"
"Five pounds."
The ten year-old boy took out his money and counted it slowly. Meanwhile, the cafe was getting really crowded and many customers were in need of a table. ""Well, how much is a regular ice-cream?"
The waiter was becoming very impatient. "Four pounds." he said rudely.
"Okay, then I'll have a regular ice-cream, please."
The waiter hurried to get the young boy's order. A few minutes later, the boy had finished his ice-cream and waited for the check. As soon as he got the check, he paid it and was gone. The waiter went to the boy's table to collect his plate, and as he was doing so, he saw something that made his eyes watery and full of tears.
Beside the boy's plate, was one pound. Malik had prevented himself from eating the chocolate ice-cream he wanted, so that he could leave the waiter a tip. 'I should not have been rude and impatient with him' thought the waiter. Regret saddened and ached his heart.
Malik, on the other hand was proud of what he had done, but decided to keep it to himself. 'Only God should know.' thought Malik, and with that thought he went back home.
Wisdom ~ Never underestimate anyone, even a little boy.
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137,428 Literary Works • 672,015 Reviews
Hello Hemayed. Dogs here with your review today, so interesting piece writing in the kind of little kid story format. I think your writing style is too choppy for this piece though. Sometimes it turns into a: and than this happened... and than... and than.. and than... and that just gets boring to read sometimes. Also I think this is a little too short, you never really set up the scene. You use good describers and all but you don't create an image of what the "village" really looks like. I would put more effort into that so the reader has a stronger image to go by.
So I understand the point you're trying to make here, if you keep your ending the same than you have absolutely no purpose for the second paragraph. Or even the first for that matter, they do nothing towards your moral or your short story. Unless you make a connection from the ending to that opening statement about kids being told scary stories and people speaking "of all sorts of things."
"The lovely family which was most liked"
Ok, are you saying that people like the family? Was the family popular? This line is very awkwardly worded and needs some revising, because I'm unsure at what point your trying to make in that line. Definitely write using normal conversational tone sometimes if you have to, in order to alleviate the readers confusion.
Ok, I think the story is cute but it's a little weak. I think there can certainly be stronger example of sacrifice, even small ones, from little boys. I highly doubt a waiter would be brought to tears by the fact someone left them a tip instead of buying something that they would rather have had. Also, leaving a tip for the waiter is just expected, even if you can afford something you'd rather get. So I don't really see this as a huge deep from the heart story because in my opinion the boy did what he was suppose to do and didn't step far out of his way to do a good deed.
So this is a good idea of a writing piece but in need of some more work certainly. Let me know if you re write it and I'd love to give it another review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Thanks
I didn't quite understand this piece. I mean, I get the moral at the end and everything but as LouisCyoher said, it was more of him being a nice guy than wisdom really. Plus, why would the waiter get impatient so easily? If the child had asked why it was so much and maybe he could put it down for him because everyone knows the family as being nice...then I would understand. But he simply asked how much another product was. I don't understand how the waiter got so impatient so quickly.
Also, if the boy had left a pound, I don't know whether that would be enough for the waiter to start crying at it...I don't know. Maybe the piece needs to be a little longer and a lot more realistic really.
hmm..thanks. This is the best I could come up with, but I'll try again.
About the waiter, maybe he was just really sensitive, however, I get your point, thanks again.
Hi HHemayed, thanks for the story. Here are my thoughts on how to improve it:
I would start by getting rid of most of the beginning part about the family and how everyone likes them. It doesn't seem important to the story. We don't really need to know his parents names since they aren't a big part of the story.
I would make sure this is seen by the waiter. That is really important that the waiter sees that this is all the money he has at the moment.
I don't think ice cream is often served on a plate. A bowl maybe.
This is lovely! The last sentence can be cut. It is evident that he is regretful when he says that he should not have been rude.
This is also a nice touch. I liked this story, it is almost like a parable. I don't know if I liked the part where you state what wisdom is. I think that is self-evident. Nice writing!
Thanks, I'll try to take another look at it.
HHey there HHemayed!
Oh look, I find myself stumbling upon a brief piece concerning morals. How very fun. However, I challenge the final statement.
The young, naive boy was being kind, not wise. Being kind and being wise are two completely separate things. Sometimes a wise choice will hurt someone, perhaps even yourself, to achieve a greater goal. See what I mean?
Now, the introduction, about the house. I really don't see why that's necessary at all. This piece is basically about a boy being kind to a grumpy waiter, why tell us he belonged to a nice house with a nice family? Having him come from the opposite would have been more interesting, albeit rather cliche.
A few grammatical nit-picks. You use '' instead of speech marks, "". Now, I don't think I've ever seen those used. I've seen dashes, yes, but not apostrophes.
There should be a comma instead of the full-stop after 'pounds'. Also, why rudely? Perhaps impatiently, or something, but that alone doesn't make him rude, if you see what I mean.
Hope this helped
~Ita
Many thanks.
I'll see what I can do.