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Australia -----

A 17 year old Zak doesn’t remember anything from his past when he wakes up one morning. His killings and countless acts of powerful rage are for some reason, blanked from his thoughts.

Unfortunately for him, his crimes and behaviour have made him a very wanted man in the Gold- Coast. The dark corner he pushed himself in has him running away from every government official in the world. Grimalkin is one of these officials. He is also Zak’s enabler; he is a gang leader and official who works for the government. His job is to makes sure no psychopaths or anyone with mental disorders roam the streets of Australia without being at least monitored. His job is also to constantly keep an eye on Zak, and to medicate him. This man is mainly a drug dealer of mescalytin and super marijuana to the masses of the Gold- coast.

At that point, Zak has a very good friendship with a girl called Fiona; she is the only girl Zak ever really cared about. He considers her to be the only reason he is still sane and happy.

Zak is put on drugs by Grimalkin that prevent him from feeling anything, taking away his countless acts of rage, which lead him to killing people in the first place. He doesn’t think Grimalkin is human since he can form himself in to many disguises making it very complex for Zak to know when and where he is going to be medicated (since he would obviously stop anyone trying from doing it).

Zak finds out more from his past when a young man comes to speak to him. He is informed that he has done many bad things and that this man knows a lot about it. This man wants to help Zak by curing him of his insanity. He is a recluse living outside of the Gold-Coast limits, His name is Maunder. Zak is in disbelief since he didn’t think it was possible to live outside of the cities.

To Zak’s surprise Maunder (like Grimalkin) is also supernatural. He has developed narcotics which give him invisibility, enhanced strength, enhanced vision, enhanced intelligence and enhanced youth. Maunder is seen to Zak as a young 18 year old like him, but as Maunder misses his youth pill on purpose, he reveals his true self. Zak is shocked to see Maunder as an extremely frail 95 year old man but also happy knowing he is a genius that can help him and make him understand his struggle after all.

As this happens, Grimalkin who is frustrated by the hardships Zak puts him trough, euthanizes Fiona in her sleep, frustrating and leaving Zak in despair. After a failed suicide attempt, Maunder finds Zak and gets him out of the city limits, away from any government agents.

Grimalkin goes crazy knowing that Zak has left the city with someone’s help. He then goes to a massive government facility called the legion of gods, where he always reports to.

We are introduced to Flincher, a ruthless hardline official who is the boss in charge of Grimalkin. He is disgusted and furious at him knowing he let Zak get away and that he treated him like rubbish. Grimalkin is in fact a human when he is dismissed from duty. His powers, just like Maunder, come from powerful narcotics. He is forced to give them all back to the government. As he walks away, Flincher stealthily takes out a rifle and fires a bullet right into Grimalkin’s head, killing him on the spot.

Flincher then decides to step down from his throne to look for Zak but then decides to wait a little longer thinking he may have him after all.

Maunder brings Zak deep in to the mountains to his house, where he uses a med bay to fix him up.He is now perfectly normal, his painful headaches, hallucinations and lack of appetite due to the medication are now gone. He can now remember everything from his past, such as all the murders he has done. For some reason, he doesn’t feel the need to kill anymore.

Maunder explains to Zak that his psychopathically driven killings are not his fault. He has been medicated his whole life from his drinks, all the way to his foods. In fact, everyone in Australia is being medicated and they don’t even know it.

He says,” It’s been 2 days since I cured you from the narcotics and you still don’t have any odd behaviour patterns, that’s because you’re eating my food. Do you know where my food comes from? I grow it, it isn’t laced with anything.”

Maunder tells Zak that the reason the government drugs the population, is to make sure that the people don’t know the reality and the past of their existence. In the end, Maunder never tells what he fully knows to Zak, feeling he isn’t ready yet.

During the night, Maunder does something shocking. He contacts Flincher. Flincher is alarmed, when he receives a call from Maunder, convinced it is something of great importance. Maunder says “Brother, I have the one we’ve been looking for, he’s ready”. Flincher realizing the significance of this call is ecstatic but also very cautious. He is questioned over his excitement but for some reason deflects and under minds the people asking, even to the ones higher ranked than him. Maunder and Flincher then make plans to meet at an undisclosed location.

As Flincher gets ready to board a hellion super vessel, a call from a superior awaits him. A man with a powerful and terrifying voice informs him that he will have his body eaten to death by vermin if he kills another contract agent (gangster) of his. Flincher seems shaken but still boards the vessel.

Once Maunder and Zak are awake in the morning, they head out further in to the wilderness, deep in the outback region. They eventually reach an absolutely massive and beautiful canyon right before sunset. Suddenly, a hellion enters their line of sight and lands 30 meters behind them. Flincher descends from the vessel. Him and Maunder embrace and hug each other. Zak is extremely surprised by this situation but is then informed of what it going on. Flincher introduces himself as Maunders friend, working undercover as a government agent of high importance. He tells Zak that the legion of gods is run by something totally evil and corrupt and that his psychopathic ways is what can bring back the real human world from extinction. Maunder tells him that what he possesses is in fact sanity, not insanity. Zak finds the situation laughable and weird but due to Flincher’s status, Maunders skills and knowledge of the medicated society, he decides to warily buy in to their beliefs. The 2 elite men then tell Zak to head back to the Gold Coast where he’s going to be pursued by other people like Grimalkin. He is given a drug called arithadyne which is what has been poisoning him for years and makes him go crazy. He is told to use his rage against anyone from the legion of gods.

Zak is given an invisibility, intelligence, strength and vision enhancing pill along with another one that connects him to a loop hole located in his apartment.

Maunder and Flincher head back to their premises, promising to stay in close contact. When Zak arrives home, he takes the arithadyne and enhancement pill. At the same time, he sees that the streets are going crazy over a new drug that is being given for a low cost by gangsters and government officials. He decides to lay low for the day, not wanting to get involved with anything due to all the commotion.

The next morning, when he wakes up, he can hear government military all over the area. He takes his pills again and heads outside. He realises that everyone in the area had been killed by the drugs that were put out the day before. There isn’t a living soul anywhere, except him. It was done, all to find him, he thinks. From that moment, he realises that Flincher and Maunders theory was true. Angry and baffled by the pathetic massacre, he enters deeper in the city where all of the agents are searching for him. He stops at the biggest government checkpoint, near the richest area in the city. His anger and rage are very present; snapping the necks of hundreds of gang officials, killing them with ease due to his invisibility.

Suddenly he realises that one of them can see him. A man dressed in military gear walks quickly towards Zak. As this person gets closer, his skin and flesh slowly start disintegrating in mid air to the eventuality that Zak is able to see the inside of his body which is also disintegrating. Suddenly the body disappeared, but then all of the bodies he had killed before came back to life. The hundreds of officials were all downed once again tough, and very quickly.

Zak hides while the city is in total lockdown. While all the bodies are being picked up, a ton of government and gang agents still work the streets to find the psychopath.

Back at the apartment, Zak is confronted by many more armed men. He takes them down easily with a series of insane martial arts techniques and mid-air stunts that shatter bones and crush skulls. He gets to his floor but suddenly the same disintegrating man appears once more. The same phenomenon occurs as he quickly walks down the hall towards Zak, turning his own skin, flesh and body into thin air. Suddenly Zak hears all the men he downed at the lobby charging up the stairs, all to get him. At that moment he realises that whatever that man is, it is one hell of a force to be reckoned with. With another set of amazing martial art moves and other powerful techniques, the men are downed once again. That entity has a lot more to it, since it has the power to take back lives. Zak fears that what he had just seen is controlling the entirety of Australia.

In his room, he contacts Maunder explaining in panic everything that had happened. Maunder tells him to take the pill that will bring him back through the loop hole. He takes it as hellion reaches his balcony getting ready to fire a series of rockets in to his apartment. Before the massive pulsating gun loads, the pill’s effect kicks in, sending Zak way back in to the mountains of the Gold- coast, disappearing from his now destroyed home.

Maunder decides to call Flincher again, saying “it’s time; the kid has really pissed off the legion, head over now”.

As Zak gets to the house, a young and malicious Maunder steps out of the door, he tells Zak that the horrors he had seen are proof that there is another order to Australia that he does not at all understand yet. He informs Maunder of a disintegrating man able to bring dead bodies back to life. Maunder tells him that what he just saw is a powerful god called Airmid. He is the reason the Gold-Coast is a suffering state. His spirit uses the slow death of humanity as a feeding ground to expand its empire. Zak, once again shakes his head laughing at Maunders thoughts and sayings but still holds his breath knowing that whatever he witnessed, definitely deserved to be compared to a screwed up, far-fetched fairy tale.

As the conversation ends, Flincher’s hellion comes into their line of sight. Glistening from the afternoon sun, it slowly descends from the sky. He walks out, glaring and smiling towards Zak. He greets him and lets him know that whatever happens next, he is going to be safe since he also has powerful psychopathic abilities.

Flincher then opens a huge bag, taking out a rail gun. Him and Zak head over the hills to do some target practice. They have a blast firing the high tech weaponry which turns any target into red thick pulp or a huge fiery explosion. The two head in to the house. Maunder explains that the spiritual beings are from another reality that we cannot see. They can see us though; there spirits are feeding of every one of Australia’s citizens as we speak. “The medications they give the citizens create a rotting of the vital organs; it’s like a cigarette that never goes out, it’s a slow death. Only they can see the dying and suffering which strengthens them and keeps them alive. Every citizen of Australia presumes that they are in good health and that dying at 50 seems normal but in reality, we have procedures that can make them live till their 200, without aging”. There information baffles Zak but he wonders and asks why and how do Flincher and Maunder know all of these things. The men then decide to tell their whole story to Zak.

(Flashback: Maunder and Flincher).

Flincher along with a huge group of military commanders have to act fast to try and counter a bizarre virus that has been wiping out and mutating our natural resources.

They head to a location in Arizona where huge craters are being discovered. Suddenly, as they approach by helicopter, bizarre things start appearing out of them. Spiders and other large vermin appear in large numbers everywhere killing and devouring everyone.

Then suddenly, Canada, Europe, Latin America, Africa and Asia all start getting weird phenomenon’s going on to, but all different and odd from each other. Many countries unite to try and find out the reason for these terrifying phenomenons’s, putting up teams of scientists, to conduct a large scale investigation on the situation.

Maunder and Flincher were put on that team. Flincher was a very proud American and Maunder was a feisty and aggressive German of high intelligence. The close knit powerful group traced the occurrences towards a secret experiment held in northern Norway. The project was being helmed by a 30 country consortium, including all G 20 countries.

They found that their goal was to create time travel, but accidentally opening doors to parallel universes. The team end up finding a chemical source able to close the loop hole. As that happened, all the odd activity ceased as these freaky events just instantly vanished. Unfortunately tough, something ended up staying. Entities from another world started taking over the bodies of presidents, billionaires and other important decision makers.

They cut off the world from electricity and every other sort of power, killing millions within days. These beings started telling people that they should head to Australia if they wanted a chance to survive. People didn’t understand what was going on, thinking it was just bad politics and a society’s own failure to coexist that ended the world that they knew.

The team of hundreds of scientists then decided to reopen the loop hole one last time to retrace the source of this infestation. They found that the beings taking over the world where indeed from a parallel universe similar to ours. There world wascompletely differentin comparison to ours.

The scientists realised that when humans suffer, in their reality, there earth is full of the resources that make them live and grow. When humans grow and develop, their world has little to no resources at all.

They have extremely powerful religious and cultural beliefs that get them in very good touch with their gods. The scientists think that their evolution was going at the same pace as ours at one point. They found a shift once the year 0 started, stating that there was no Christ that came along. Instead, something else came and whatever it was, they became very devoted to it, and it gave them a lot more power and wisdom than anything that had ever lived on earth. Their god was called Airmid. The team discovered that their civilization was called the Ditritites. Airmid had them living lives of spiritual ecstasy and happiness. They had limits stretching far beyond their earth due to intelligence and spirituality far too complex for the human mind to understand. In the end, the scientists were caught. They were not killed, but had their spirits converted to become one of these beings. For Flincher and Maunder tough, that did not work. They both survived the conversions as their machines malfunctioned, but they became weaker and slower. The others tough became part of this empire that wanted nothing to do with humans. The two survivors being Maunder and Flincher became really close friends.

They decided not to fight back knowing they would be killed easily. They then decided to play it as if they were converted for many decades with the hopes of striking back when the time was perfect.

Maunder used his expertise to create pills that would make the duo feel like these beings and have the two become more powerful individuals. They became highly respected and regarded by the Ditritites. The two men were forced to go along with the plan of turning Australia into a drugged society. Only babies, young children and young teenagers were accepted into Australia. The newborns were breed and medicated in hatcheries controlled by the converted humans.

Australia was beautiful, a paradise, beautiful beaches and beautiful people (odd facial and physical features resulted in the death of an infant). The technology was unbelievably advanced; Australians were allowed to do anything as long as they consumed drugs.

The drugs were fantastic, the kids were completely hooked. These drugs were designed by Maunder since he was forced to do it. He designed them to resemble Morphine, DMT and variants of marijuana that were so good that they called it super marijuana. The narcophane crystals were the kicker tough. That was the crystal that would slowly be rooting the inside of humans, making the salvation of the Ditritites, eternal.

Maunder was a genius, for years he believed to have found a god particle based on his studies of the mysterious chemical they found in Norway. The particles responsible for the loop hole absolutely astounded him. He had no idea what its effects would be, but he hoped that if he put it in all of the drugs, maybe just someone would develop an odd reaction to it, giving him a certain unmatchable power that would start the phase of redemption.

Now that would be the moment Maunder and Flincher would be waiting for, and when they heard of Zak, they knew that the time had come and that they had their man.

(End Flashback)

Zak doesn’t really react to the story but still decides to believe in it.

Flincher and Zak than head back to Maunders were they consume a drug called earachetyne which opens them up to the alternate universe were live the Ditritites.

Flincher takes Zak into the hellion to bring him to the legion of gods. As the duo enters, everyone is shocked to see the two men together. Armed militarized men jump to the scene with many cyborgs as they get ready to greet Flincher and detain Zak. As the cyborgs approach the men, a pulsating blast illuminates the massive heights and reaches of the area, sending blood and shrapnel flying everywhere.

All armed and unarmed guards posed all use of physical force against the two men as they ran away as quick as possible.

The 2 men head into a massive elevator which sends them to the top of the mountain. The outdoor skyline of pure wonderland gives them a sense of strength and warmth. As the door, opens to a massive field of grass and stunning hydra phonic garden, men come charging out of the fields attacking the duo. They hold off as long as they can. It is evident that Flincher does not have the strength and gifts as Zak. He is easily neutralised to the ground as he’s hit five times with the back end of a rail gun. Zak holds off the attacks with unbelievable skill throwing all the bodies into the garden, full of eating plants.

Before 5 more men can arrive by hellion, he is able to grab Flinchers rail gun. He fires a massive burst into the sky, sending metal and pulsating steal into the garden as men scream in pain as there flesh burns and gets devoured by a massive horde of hungry plants.

They eventually walk past the mess and see a great mansion. A man called Abraham walks out scared and shaken. Flincher still dazed from the attack, finds the energy to run up to the man. He throws a series of punches, throwing Abraham off balance and sending his face into the concrete. Abraham is a converted human who is higher ranked than Flincher.

At that moment, the earachetyne kicks in, sending the angry duo into a visual purplish world unlike anything they have ever seen. They see into Abraham’s soul. Blackness slowly enters his veins pulsating huge amounts of darkness into his heart and mind turning his eyes into an evil they have never seen. Flincher knows that it is the god Airmid, who is taking control of everything. The body of Abraham gets up and slams Flincher to the ground with intense force, knocking out all of his teeth.

Zak runs for the kill but gets held back by the vines of the live plants. They slowly drag him into the garden full of hungry creatures. Terrified, he grips his hands to the ground as he slowly keeps getting dragged in. Suddenly, the vine snaps, but it sends a green acid all over his face plunging him into the garden anyways, where he is temporarily swallowed by a plant. The plant holds him in. Zak looks down and see’s massive chomping teeth already eating up and devouring flesh. As he keeps looking down, he sees a gun of one of the creature’s victims; he is able to get to it before the teeth close on his arm. He shoots the mouth of the plant sending him flying out of the garden.

He runs to Abraham who is still beating up a near dead Flincher. He loads the gun and fires a huge pulse into the gut of the bastard. Flincher is badly injured and bleeding from everywhere. He is immovable, so he stays on site no matter what.

Suddenly the powerful trip gets even more unbelivable as an intense spiritual voice starts speaking to Zak. It tells him that they shall meet. Zak closes his eyes as his body is lifted into the purplish sky where you can see every star, planet, galaxy, shooting star mixed with other mesmerizing colors. He then passes is out as his body seems to be cleansed by many goddesses of some sort.

He suddenly wakes up back in Australia where a pure Ditritite waits for him in the beautiful outback canyons. His name is Airmid. He is the most powerful god to have ever lived for the species. He has been alive for over 2000 years, creating the Ditritites spiritual lives.

The man tells him that he is a brave and powerful individual who is lost, searching for an identity. He says quote “I will give you the life you’ve always wanted, you have that privilege. You are being granted the highest honor a human shall ever receive from our species, in fact you will be studied for a very long time my friend. Now, that is exactly how valuable you are to us. Your time is up, your choice starts now.”

Zak is confused. As he finishes speaking, he charges towards Airmid with a knife.

Suddenly, he gets hit by something, not physically but mentally. His mind is blanked from all the bad thoughts he’s ever had. All he remembers is Fiona, the only good thing he ever had. Her soul caresses and embraces Zak with so much love; it dictates the environment around him. The bliss of the vast empty space fills with massive worlds and universes all round them. They are so close to one another. They can breathe the vast air around them like if it was on earth. They also have the ability to swim to each planet they want. This is Zak’s happiest moment; he has no memory of anything from his life except for love and happiness. The cause and reason of the whole ongoing battle is long gone, with no place in his head.

Fiona brings Zak to the new world she has been living in. He realises that he is dead, the gift he has been handed is death.

(Back at the top of the legion of gods)

Flincher reaches in his pocket for a pill. His strength is quickly regained.

He smiles thinking that Zak has made it to Airmid were he must be dead.

He then reaches in his pocket for the earachetyne, which sends him back to Maunders. As he arrives, Maunders door is completely open.

As he walks in, he finds him lying on the ground convulsing, nearly beaten to death with blood all over him. Maunder, with his last dying breath, tells Flincher that Zak is in another dimension far from here and that he must take him out of ecstasy in order to save humanity. Flincher is informed that he must take a pill called Samsara and give it to Maunder in order for him to help Zak. Maunder tells Flincher” Samsara is the god particle; it will link me to Zak’s soul once I’m dead. I will never come back, but he will. Once I bring him back, it’s all over brother, we win.”

After a few more minutes, Maunder loses his breath and gives out. He sees a blinding light slowly taking away his mind and soul. His thoughts and beliefs still a part of him tough, clinging on to every bit of him. His body enters the deep beautiful vast space linking him to every last bit of the universe. The Samsara then slowly comes into play, giving him a ton of power and strength. His abilities are highly enhanced sending him into hours of happiness. He admires his life and its experiences, flashing in his vision as deceased loved ones slowly grab on to his body motioning for him to join them in a moment of comfort and many other powerful emotions.

Suddenly tough, his body and soul is lifted even higher into space, leaving all the souls in need and the ones that knew him in disarray and sadness. As more light enters his vision, blinding him once again, another vision enters his mind slowly taking away his soul, closing his eyes and running through his veins. The blood he feels leaves his body making fell even more weightless. But then, his eyes open as a heart beat starts reinvigorating his physical self. He feels his feet touch the ground as electric shocks run everywhere inside of him. His eyes then open; he sees the physical world again. His life is back, restored from the spiritual world.

Purple grass flows through the strawberry flavoured breeze as he sees a girl and Zak on top of an iceberg.

As he swims trough the dark blue water and the magenta sky shines a green sun onto Maunder, he finally gets to Zak and Fiona at the top of their iceberg. Zak has no memory of Maunder but invites him in has a friend. Maunders aggressive attitude scares the two tough. They both then swim out of the planet away from Maunder.

As they swim away from the purple planet full of colors, Maunder holds onto the soul of Fiona and Zak, bringing them all the way towards a galaxy far away. They both try to fight away Maunder, but his spirit is so powerful and determined that it brings the two wherever he wishes to go.

The feeling of amazing bliss and weightlessness comes back to them, taking all of their happiness as the spiritual world enhances their souls once again. But then, there eyes open as there heart beat starts reinvigorating their physical selves. They feel their feet touch the ground as electric shocks run everywhere inside of them just like before. They arrive on earth as it devastated by a lack of everything. People are dying and suffering. Maunder then shows the two a look at everything in Australia, the 1% taking everything while everyone dies. They levitate over all of the Ditritites feeding on the souls of humans as they eventually drug themselves into a slow death with the goal of ending humanity. This parallel universe is a showcase of the past created by Maunders head. It is not a reality since they cannot be spotted.

Zak suddenly remembers and understands why Maunder came to find him. He doesn’t remember much but still decides to save earth from these creatures.

Fiona agrees that he should go back. They embrace and cry for each other knowing that they will eventually be together forever.

Maunder who isn’t a god like Zak cannot come back from the dead. He promises that he will look after Fiona while he is gone for the next decades left on his human life.

Zak then leaves, determined to do what is right and take back the earth from these spirits.

As his soul finally finds the passageway back to the planet, he slowly feels adrenaline rush back into him. That feeling gives him even more memories from his life back. His strength is now so unique in power and happiness that he is not only going to earth with determination, but also with a changed and cleansed soul from all the pain he had felt. He knew for once, that he had a lot to look forward to.

As his body fills with blood, and electric shocks keep filling all his bones and muscles with life, he realises that he is a hero. He cries and laughs as he scans and eventually finds the whereabouts of Airmid. His body lowers down towards a team of government military who charge in hundreds.

Every person in the area is taken down with ease as Airmid stays still on a huge chair.

As Zak approaches, his body loses consciousness as it disintegrates like the other men Zak saw. A tall blue transparent being flees into the spiritual world as quick as possible.

With a huge amount of speed, Zak realizing that he still has some Samsara in him, clings onto the soul of Airmid. It tries to shake him but as their powerful souls of gods enter the spiritual world, Zak’s strength slowly is able to drag Airmid back to earth. Their souls then slowly come back to their physical form. Zak squeezes the neck of his enemy as strong as he can. Airmid fights back knocking Zak right down. He still finds the ability to cling onto him, still strangling him with all his strength. The earth keeps coming closer to the two. Zak finally finds the physical strength to reach into his pocket. He takes out the knife he always kept, cutting a huge gash into the heart of Airmid.

Back around the mansion, the injured soldiers suddenly die as their souls magically vanish.

(Back in the Gold coast, Flincher)

Back in the cities, Flincher hides under balconies sporting a massive beard and damaged clothes. His weathered body realises that something is different one morning as there are no more gangsters and government agents. The skies are completely silent as no hellions enter his line of sight. The people run outside nervous and worried that there are no more supplies of drugs.

Flincher joins into a massive crowd of people running inside an unbelievable looking mall. As Flincher looks at massive plasma inside the mall with thousands of people looking, Zak’s face pops on screen leaving him crying in disbelief and happiness. He drops to his knees knowing that humanity as been saved.

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247 Reviews

Points: 3414
Reviews: 247

Sat Feb 09, 2013 11:57 pm
Searria H. wrote a review...

Hello there, TYLENOL! Sea here to review.

Before I get started, just a quick friendly reminder to help out your fellow writers by reviewing their work. I think you'll find that many members will be much more willing to critique your pieces if you have helped them out with theirs. :)

Okay. I can tell that you've really thought through this. :) You seem to have a good grasp of your world, and that's really important in sci-fi.

I have some general comments and then nitpicks. :)
:arrow: Have you thought about making this a book? I have nothing against monstrously long "short" stories, but I felt as though this length still wasn't enough for you. Instead of reading a story, it seemed as though I was reading a summary, a rather detailed skeleton of a much longer work. I was missing the meat of the action and character development. When you create a new world and culture unfamiliar to your audience, you really need to take the time to give them information in little pieces, dropped in the middle of action and human interactions to which your reader can relate. Otherwise, the reader gets a little confused and tends to zone out a little. I had to read this a little bit at a time in order to digest what you are trying to tell me.
:arrow: I think allowing yourself to expand this will help, but I found the piece rather "telly" rather than "showy." I was told what was happening rather than being allowed to "experience" it through sensory imagery. I hope that makes sense. I think every author struggles with this. :) It just takes some practice.

:arrow: Let's talk about "there, their, and they're." Sometimes you used them correctly, and sometimes not. There is a reference to a place: "Don't go over there" or "There are some candies in that bowl." Their shows possession: "Their bicycle is missing" or "Is this bicycle theirs?" They're is a contraction of "they are": "They're going to miss the concert."
Here are a few examples from your piece:

Spoiler! :
we have procedures that can make them live till their 200, without aging%u201D.

Should be "they're"
There information baffles Zak but he wonders and asks why and how do Flincher and Maunder know all of these things.

Should be "Their"
But then, there eyes open as there heart beat starts reinvigorating their physical selves.

This really confused me because you used it correctly the second time, but not the first. :)

Him and Maunder embrace and hug each other.

Whenever you begin a sentence like this, it should be "He..." You wouldn't say "Him goes to the store," but "He goes to the store." A double subject makes no difference. :)
Him and Zak head over the hills to do some target practice.

Same thing here.
After a failed suicide attempt, Maunder finds Zak and gets him out of the city limits, away from any government agents

The way this was worded, it sounded like Maunder was the one who attempted suicide and then found Zak somewhere. ;)

Canada, Europe, Latin America, Africa and Asia all start getting weird phenomenon%u2019s going on to,

Simple typo: the last word should be "too" and no apostrophe in "phenomenons"

The others tough became part of this empire that wanted nothing to do with humans.

This was a misspelling I saw several times. It should be "though." You might want to go through and check all of those.

his body and soul is lifted even higher into space,

His body and sole "are"

All armed and unarmed guards posed all use of physical force against the two men as they ran away as quick as possible.

Should be "quickly" since it describes and action.

He then passes is out as his body seems to be cleansed by many goddesses of some sort.

Another typo: just get rid of the word "is"

(Flashback: Maunder and Flincher).

These little parenthetical side notes were sort of jolting for me. I would suggest putting the flashback in italics, for I think that's pretty standard. And the little notes of location could easily be incorporated in the narrative.

Overall, I think you have a good start here. I hope that you will keep working with this and expand it a little. Dive into the depths of it and invite your reader to follow. :D
If you have any questions about anything I've talked about, please don't hesitate to shoot me a PM. I'll try to help you out as best I can. Thanks for sharing!
Happy writing!

TYLENOL says...

Yes, this is a summary of a book i want to write

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289 Reviews

Points: 30323
Reviews: 289

Sat Feb 09, 2013 11:18 am
Caesar wrote a review...

Hey there TYLENOL.

This was... long. Very long. And heavy, oh-so-heavy to digest. I must admit at certain points I caught myself growing drowsy, eyelids closing, brain slowly being demolished by the sheer amount of info-dumping constantly perpetrated throughout this entire monster.

Well, not quite anything so drastic.

However, here's a future tip. You might want to, when it comes to something that is indeed very long, break it up in parts, if only for the sake of the reviewers. That way, you'll actually get more reviews, perhaps even solid critiques by people not scared away by the sheer length of this.

Now, I'll be frank. I haven't read a lot of sci-fi, barring some Orson Scott Card. I find the genre incredibly complicated and odd, hard to digest. Like this piece. So then, congratulations, this has been certified as a sci-fi piece. To be fair, this wasn't written badly. Grammatical mistakes were minimal. I would remark on the cliche-ness of this dystopic future plot, then again, who am I to judge a genre I barely read? Okay, no, it's cliche. Gods coming out from another planes, a society completely controlled by drugs, god particles? Yes, this is cliche.

Moving on.

I get sci-fi likes to cut down on the description, so I won't remark on the lack of it. I also get sci-fi likes to manifest in the weirdest forms, as you did. However, this particular style just doesn't quite cut it for me. I'm not sure what you were trying to achieve with it, but it makes the piece bare, devoid of thoughts and emotions. You present what could be huge, important bombshells and twists as a bland, boring fact. This basically, ever so slowly, sucked all my will, all my curiosity, out, and scattered it onto the winds. You may want to change the style around so we can, you know, connect with, if not all, then at least a few of the characters. But if this was your aim, then you have achieved it most masterfully.

I apologize. I don't get sci-fi. All I could do was express my puzzlement and confusion at this particular written style, which I hope made you realize a few things.


TYLENOL says...

Well thanks for the review, I can see were your coming from on most of the things, but i still think my story isnt as cliched as you think (even tough the main teams have been used alot in science fiction). Thx anyways

LouisCypher says...

Sorry if I seemed harsh brah. I'm just blunt.

find your aesthetic and flaunt it
— manilla