Young Writers Society

Thank you for your advice. I will try to fix it, but it might take me a while because of my extracurricular activities such as band. Thank you again!

Hi there, sparkle.

You must have edited this before I got to it the first time. I suggest changing your description. It's not a short poem any longer =).

Before I get down to the content, you've made a few typos:

scrambling tto collect yourself

pickining on the littlest things

to inflict the greastest pain

who hurt others for sportwhen I could still save you

but I can't styand to see you rot away

to the ground
books flown everywhere
scrambling to collect yourself

before another of fists

with eyes challenging

knowing where it hurts
to inflict the greastest pain

You feel as if you were a caged beast

some even cheered

but I'm not them

Hello 525sparkle, welcome to YWS. Here are a few of my thoughts:

I stood up for you
while others ignored
when you were forced
to the ground

You feel as if you were a caged beast
to be stared at,
to be mocked and taunted,
and they laughed
some even cheered
but I'm not them
I want to help you
to be your friend
and yet you laugh at me
slapping away my reaching hand

Now it's you spreading around rumors
about 'who I am'
making me out to be a monster
spitting in my face turning into one of them

You don't want to be helped
but I can't styand to see you rot away
into nothing
But I won't stand down
as I see tears trace down your cheek
your eyes out of spark, defeated

I didn't mean to 'like' myself, but I did. I don't want to seem like a jerk.

Hello sparkle! Dogs here with your review today. Firstly I love your avatar, Free Willy is a quality movie! The original that is, they went a little too far with all the others that they made. Anywho on to the review, ok so I like the rhyming scheme that you use here but as always when you use rhyming you run the risk of sounding repetitive and losing rhythm. But if used effectivly it can be quite impressive to read.

Ok so firstly you start off with a little weaker of a beginning. Your first line is alays your most important because it is used to captivate the reader. Just starting with "I am sad" is a little flat of a hook line to get the reader intrested in to your writing. Also throught your writing you use boring and overused words. You need to expand your vocab and use more exciting words in your writing to increase the readers intrest in your writing. If you are having trouble doing this I would suggest that you take out a thesaurus and look up some of these overused words.

Ok so the first stanza is a good idea except the rhyming is so forced that it's difficult to read and it throws off your rhythm. I don't think you would describe someone as "screaming mad" when you think about them in a fit of fury. The forced rhyming continues throught almost the entirety of your poem, so you can either drop the rhyming or make it so that even if you read it without the emphasis on the rhyming it sounds smooth and like a normal conversation. Of course there are some exeptions in poetry to writing in a normal conversational tone.

"leaves because/ I took a stand"

Ok yes you have the leniancy to use grammar or not in your poetry, but I highly suggest that you do, it'll make it easier to read and it looks cleaner. Furthermore you do not have to capitalize every single line because it looks sloppy in my opinion. Of course both of those are entirely up to your decision. Also this line is awkwardly worded, who leaves? You never describe who your narrator is talking to.

Apart from your issues in the rhyming and vocab, you are missing a huge sense of imagery. The most important element in writing poetry is imagery and creating an image. Using your words to paint a picture for the reader to see. yes, granted there are some poems that get by without imagery but those are written by famous authors and poets and unfortunatly only an extremely small amount of people at YWS has the abuility to pull that off in poetry. I know I certainly do not. So create an image, describe what this person has done to you, describe this person. Create an image of what happens. i need more visuals as a reader. Great idea for a writing piece but it need of a little polishing. Give me a pm if you need any help and let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!!

TuckEr EllsworTh