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Stand Down

by 525sparkle


I stood up for you
while others ignored
when you were forced
to the ground
books flown everywhere
scrambling tto collect yourself
before another of fists
pummels down
into your defiant face
with eyes challenging

They followed you everywhere
nowhere was safe
pickining on the littlest things
knowing where it hurts
to inflict the greastest pain
as your armor, your last defense
slowly crumbles down
as they never even think better of it
as others crowd around
to watch, to see blood

You feel as if you were a caged beast
to be stared at,
to be mocked and taunted,
and they laughed
some even cheered
but I'm not them
I want to help you
to be your friend
and yet you laugh at me
slapping away my reaching hand

Now it's you spreading around rumors
about 'who I am'
making me out to be a monster
spitting in my face turning into one of them
who hurt others for sportwhen I could still save you
when I can chase away the darkness
the darkness that is slowly enveloping you
I could be your light and still, you refuse
Perhaps I should stand down
and let the torture continue
You don't want to be helped
but I can't styand to see you rot away
into nothing
But I won't stand down
as I see tears trace down your cheek
your eyes out of spark, defeated


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Sat Feb 09, 2013 10:46 pm
525sparkle says...



Thank you for your advice. I will try to fix it, but it might take me a while because of my extracurricular activities such as band. Thank you again! :)




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Sat Feb 09, 2013 2:15 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there, sparkle.

You must have edited this before I got to it the first time. I suggest changing your description. It's not a short poem any longer =).

Before I get down to the content, you've made a few typos:

scrambling tto collect yourself

pickining on the littlest things

to inflict the greastest pain

who hurt others for sportwhen I could still save you

but I can't styand to see you rot away


Now that that's out of my system...
to the ground
books flown everywhere
scrambling to collect yourself

You need commas before and after the middle line. It makes it easier to read. Also, "flown" feels off. It's probably because it's the wrong tense. Also, you could use a much more descriptive word. "Scattered" comes to my mind because not only the books are scattered, but the person is.

before another of fists

I think you meant "before another fist."

with eyes challenging

Switch eyes and challenging for a better scanning line.

knowing where it hurts
to inflict the greastest pain

these lines are a little awkward and redundant. I think you should say in the first line "knowing where to hit" or "knowing where to strike" or something like that to reduce the redundancy.

You feel as if you were a caged beast

I don't like how you start assuming how the other person feels. Illustrate how they feel like that, don't tell the poor kid how you think he's feeling.

some even cheered

this line isn't doing anything for me. It's just kind of blah, and blah lines should be taken out. In poetry, less is more.

but I'm not them

If you don't use a contraction here, the line will sound stronger. And you want to sound strong in this instance.

End your poem with a period to make it feel more finished.

While you have images in your poem, I suggest more metaphorical images. It will spice up your writing, and make it more fun to read (especially considering how long it is).

Altogether, it's pretty long, but you've got a decent start. I can't wait to see it when it's even more polished. I hope this review was helpful. Happy poeting!




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Sat Feb 09, 2013 2:04 am
Trident wrote a review...



Hello 525sparkle, welcome to YWS. Here are a few of my thoughts:

I stood up for you
while others ignored
when you were forced
to the ground


Where I think your poetry needs improvement is in the flow. The lines make it very choppy, and what it feels like instead of a poem is a prose short story that is cut up to look like a poem. Poetry is a form that by nature experiments with words and so it needs to do just that. I don't feel like your poem here is poetic in that sense.

You feel as if you were a caged beast
to be stared at,
to be mocked and taunted,
and they laughed
some even cheered
but I'm not them
I want to help you
to be your friend
and yet you laugh at me
slapping away my reaching hand


This theme is worthy of poetry, but the way you go about it is a bit haughty. Yes, the person who you are addressing in the poem does need to be told these things, but perhaps it is best to do that subtly instead of just outright saying everything. Again, here the lines make this terribly choppy.

Now it's you spreading around rumors
about 'who I am'
making me out to be a monster
spitting in my face turning into one of them


I like this betrayal idea in the poem, and perhaps that should be its focus more than the idea that the narrator is flawless. And what would really help is the narration of a single event rather than the general statements of bullying that you seem to have scattered throughout, but which lack detail.

You don't want to be helped
but I can't styand to see you rot away
into nothing
But I won't stand down
as I see tears trace down your cheek
your eyes out of spark, defeated


This idea is also good, that you can't always help those that need it. Again, you have generalized it though. I see the tears, but I don't know the exact reason they are there. You might answer "because they were bullied" but we need to see the actual events that happened not just the aftermath.

Feel free to contact me if you would like me to explain anything further. Good luck on the revision!




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Sat Feb 09, 2013 12:30 am
525sparkle says...



I didn't mean to 'like' myself, but I did. I don't want to seem like a jerk.




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Fri Feb 08, 2013 9:31 pm
dogs wrote a review...



Hello sparkle! Dogs here with your review today. Firstly I love your avatar, Free Willy is a quality movie! The original that is, they went a little too far with all the others that they made. Anywho on to the review, ok so I like the rhyming scheme that you use here but as always when you use rhyming you run the risk of sounding repetitive and losing rhythm. But if used effectivly it can be quite impressive to read.

Ok so firstly you start off with a little weaker of a beginning. Your first line is alays your most important because it is used to captivate the reader. Just starting with "I am sad" is a little flat of a hook line to get the reader intrested in to your writing. Also throught your writing you use boring and overused words. You need to expand your vocab and use more exciting words in your writing to increase the readers intrest in your writing. If you are having trouble doing this I would suggest that you take out a thesaurus and look up some of these overused words.

Ok so the first stanza is a good idea except the rhyming is so forced that it's difficult to read and it throws off your rhythm. I don't think you would describe someone as "screaming mad" when you think about them in a fit of fury. The forced rhyming continues throught almost the entirety of your poem, so you can either drop the rhyming or make it so that even if you read it without the emphasis on the rhyming it sounds smooth and like a normal conversation. Of course there are some exeptions in poetry to writing in a normal conversational tone.

"leaves because/ I took a stand"

Ok yes you have the leniancy to use grammar or not in your poetry, but I highly suggest that you do, it'll make it easier to read and it looks cleaner. Furthermore you do not have to capitalize every single line because it looks sloppy in my opinion. Of course both of those are entirely up to your decision. Also this line is awkwardly worded, who leaves? You never describe who your narrator is talking to.

Apart from your issues in the rhyming and vocab, you are missing a huge sense of imagery. The most important element in writing poetry is imagery and creating an image. Using your words to paint a picture for the reader to see. yes, granted there are some poems that get by without imagery but those are written by famous authors and poets and unfortunatly only an extremely small amount of people at YWS has the abuility to pull that off in poetry. I know I certainly do not. So create an image, describe what this person has done to you, describe this person. Create an image of what happens. i need more visuals as a reader. Great idea for a writing piece but it need of a little polishing. Give me a pm if you need any help and let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




525sparkle says...


I attempted to fix it just now, but the rhyming is gone and it is very long. I hope you like it! XD




The only way of knowing a person is to love them without hope.
— Walter Benjamin