Just Be

by Chelbig695

Another day I live

With bountiful happiness

But the rest stay hid

With morbid ungratefulness

Others seek to expand

Luxuries and love every day

To the next and after

But simply, just be

Treating every day

As if it had changed

Your life completely

Through people socially

If others were to

Just be

Life would

Come to thee

Comments

Points: 29221
Reviews: 863

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Sat Feb 09, 2013 1:10 am

Morrigan wrote a review...

Hi there, Chelbig. Welcome to YWS.

Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

The first suggestion I'd like to make for change is more punctuation. It would be easier and more interesting to read if you added more punctuation to signal different ideas. For example, I have no idea if this:

Others seek to expand
Luxuries and love every day
To the next and after
But simply, just be

Treating every day
As if it had changed
Your life completely
Through people socially

is one sentence or a few. So add periods and commas.

The second thing I'd like to address in this poem is the random "big words" you sprinkle in. I feel like you only put them in there because someone told you to use a more sophisticated vocabulary. Speak plainly. The best poem is honest, and your unfittingly fancy vocabulary blurs the message you're getting at.

I suggest making an image that supports your message. In most poetry, there is at least one central image that prevails over all and enhances the message. In this, I can't see anything. There is only you, telling us about your ideas. Metaphors and similes are going to be your best friends if you continue to write poetry.

The tone of your poem feels like you're talking down to somebody. It feels preachy. But we barely know why. Give us a picture of this person, and why they need to change their ways. If not, it seems a little like you're yelling into a canyon, listening to your own echoes, satisfied that someone else is screaming the same message.

Life would
Come to thee

"thee" is too much. It is also only there for the sake of the rhyme, which showed up like a wild pokemon in the last stanza. Rewrite the last stanza and make it stronger.

Through people socially

"through people" and "socially" mean basically the same thing. In this case, it's redundant.

I hope that this review was helpful to you. Happy writing!

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Reviews: 376

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Fri Feb 08, 2013 11:52 pm

Trident wrote a review...

Hi Chelbig695, welcome to the site. I'm glad you posted some work. Here are a few of my thoughts on this poem:

Another day I live
With bountiful happiness
But the rest stay hid
With morbid ungratefulness

What we have here is a bunch of big words that don't really enliven our imaginations. Big words (especially those that are abstract concepts) aren't necessary in poetry. It's a really big misconception. It's fun to play with such words, and occasionally use them, but you should never put big words in your poetry just for the sake of doing it. It's obvious when it happens and you don't want to draw any unwanted attention that disrupts the meaning of the poem.

Poets, not preachers

Poetry can have a moral, but being preachy and talking down to others is certainly not the way to go about it. If you want to point out an injustice or lack of morality in your poetry, a little subtlety goes a long way. You'll want to give us images that tell the story for themselves. Otherwise you are just spewing stuff out that we've all heard a million times before and so we will tend to ignore it. And you really don't want us to start ignoring your poetry.

Others seek to expand
Luxuries and love every day
To the next and after
But simply, just be

Treating every day
As if it had changed
Your life completely
Through people socially

This is what I mean by the preachiness. You are telling people that they are inferior, but have little justification for it. You need to show us why these people's ways are wrong.

If others were to
Just be
Life would
Come to thee

This ending is pretty weak. First off, you need to lose the attempt at rhyme if you aren't going to do that for the rest of your poem. When only one stanza rhymes, and especially at the end, it's a very gimmicky move. And another misconception about poetry is that you must use old or archaic words. The "thee" here is way too much and you should lose it.

The message in this poem can be a solid one, but it needs some development. You need to give us a reason to care. A narrator who we can relate with that shares some of their life with us. Right now it's big words and old language and that kind of stuff just doesn't help us readers care about the message of the poem.

Feel free to drop me a line if you would like me to explain anything further.

Chelbig695 says...

I can understand that I should use more concrete terms when choosing what words to include. When I used %u201Cgratefulness%u201D, I used wanted the stanzas to flow and rhyme with each other. I directed it to much to people outside of me, because that is how I go through my days and what I believe I am like myself. I guess I should explain it from an outsiders perspective to give less preachiness to the word use. I wanted to have a simple ending with as few words as possible and I thought %u201Cthee%u201D would sound cool, but it does should too cliche.

Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

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Fri Feb 08, 2013 10:10 pm

dogs wrote a review...

Hello there chel! Dogs here with your review. Ok so this is a good piece and I love the whimsical style and idea of it. Great advice to the heart. Before I start on the review about your writing, firstly I'd like to talk about grammar. Of course all grammar is entirely up to your decision as a writer, but in my humble opinion as a writer and a reader: I think it is essential to use proper grammar in your poetry. Of course fragment sentences you can get away with, but periods and commas and other grammatical points are important to help the flow of your writing and to make it easier for the reader to read. It makes us read the natural breaks you put in your writing and helps alleviate confusion. Building on that point, you don't have to make every line start with a capital. It looks sloppy in my opinion, but of course that is entirely up to you.

Anywho, I like the beginning that draws the reader in. Also good use of morbid, thats such a great word .

"Luxuries and love every day"

This is a nitpick but to help the flow of this line say "each" instead of every. It'll sound softer, also good use of Luxuries. that's another great word. Well done with using good vocabulary.

"To the next and after/ but simply, just be"

Ok I had to read this several times over to understand what you were saying. partially because you were lacking some punctuation but also because it is incredibly awkwardly worded. Defnitly move around some words to help fix that line.

"as if it had change'

You just said in the line befre "treating" hence indicating present tense, but then you move to past tense with "had" so stick to one tense there. Make "had" into "has" I would suggest.

I love the last stanza, although it sounds really awkward and choppy because you don't use any necessary grammar with it. But it's a great way to end this poem. All and all it's a good idea in need of some polishing and grammatical points. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032

Chelbig695 says...

This was quickly put together for my creative writing class and I revised it twice (I think). I got too distracted at looking for the right words and rhymes to look at the punctuation of the poem. If you wouldn%u2019t mind reviewing my %u201CMarijuana Legalization%u201D editorial I wrote that would be wonderful. I put a lot more time into that essay then into any of my poems. I will also review some of your pieces as well.

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Just Be

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