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lies

by Breshae


I've been told
the truth is going to hurt you
but I be(lie)ve that lies hurt worse
But they do heal..........eventually
Why do people lie? Is it worth it ?
Personally I think it's too much work
Trying to remember what lie you told to one person and remembering what you said
there are always 3 sides to the story his/her side the other side and the TRUTH
But if one person told the truth it would only be 2 sides of the story
If only people told the TRUTH
the world would be a better place
















































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132 Reviews


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Tue Jul 09, 2013 12:23 am
Legibletext wrote a review...



A touching piece, with clever use of bracketing. It's so true that the world would be a better place if everyone were truthful. The only criticism I have is perhaps use a tiny bit more punctuation, but other than that, splendid piece. Always good to read a wonderful poem. :)




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Fri Feb 08, 2013 11:21 am
noninjaes wrote a review...



Hallo. I'm here to review for you today. :)

I must say, in a way, this poem is rather sentimental. It has a good idea behind it, but the grammar and formatting is rather rough. The huge amount of white space at the end is also unnecessary and very annoying. So, to take care of this straight up, here are my suggestions to edit grammar and formatting:

I've been told
the truth is going to hurt you A random "a" manages to squeeze its way into "is".
but I believe that lies hurt worse There was no need to have "lie" in parentheses. That just made it rather cheesy.
But they do heal... eventually Ellipses only ever have three dots. No more, no less.
Why do people lie? Is it worth it? There was an extra space before the final question mark.
Personally I think it's too much work
Trying to remember what lie you told to one person
and remembering what you said Long lines surrounded by short lines stick out like sore thumbs.
there are always three sides to the story: Words are better than numbers and once again with the length.
your side the other side and the truth "Your" is much more appropriate than his/her, and all caps is almost never good.
But if one person told the truth
there would only be two sides to the story Line length, no numbers, and just some better words.
If only people told the truth No all caps.
the world would be a better place


I would have preferred it if there was a lot more grammar in this poem. Not all poems need grammar, but I feel that grammar will help add more structure to a poem like this. This poem could also use a bit of imagery. Without the imagery, it is rather bland and boring.

The last line was a nice touch even though it is a little cliché. Anyways, a good attempt at a poem. I would have liked to do a more in-depth review but I'm cut for time. So as always, don't take this too harshly and keep writing.
- noninjaspresent >(> ==)>*




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Fri Feb 08, 2013 1:20 am
FermentingFruit wrote a review...



This was a nice little poem. Just a heads up, I don't usually review poetry, so forgive me if I don't really know what I'm doing :)

Like zephion said, there were a few small typos here and there, like the the is, is just one.

"Trying to remember what lie you told to one person and remembering what you said"
I don't really understand this line. You say that they are trying to remember what they said, I get that, but then you repeat it, and I didn't really understand that part, could you please clear that up? I also thought that it would be better if you broke that line up into two different parts.

Something else that bugged me was the "be(lie)ve" part. What are you trying to say here? That they believe the lie, they believe them, but they are really lying? That was a little confusing to me.

Towards the end, I thought you started to get into a rhythm, and it ended nicely, you got your point across, but instead of
"If only people told the TRUTH
the world would be a better place"

I think that was a little dull, I'd just spice that up a bit, and I think it'd end really great. And that big blank space, I'm not sure if you caused that, but that just bothered me a little bit.

I think you had some really great ideas, but there were a few places that this poem lacked. Overall, I liked it, and I would like to review some more of yours!

Fruit



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Breshae says...


Hey, I want to thank you for the constructive criticism. It really encourages me to work harder with my writing abilities.
- Now in reference to the "be(lie)ve part that you didn't understand, I was saying that, it's funny how the word BELIEVE has the word lie in it. So why would I believe someone if I know they would lie to me... right?
- The other question was about "trying to remember what lie you told to one person , and remembering what you said. That means that someone told varies lies to many different people about the same subject.
Let me know if you have any more questions or comments, thanks.



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Fri Feb 08, 2013 1:14 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Hi, Breshae. Welcome to YWS. Hope you get out there and give some reviews on other people's works soon!

As for this, the first thing I have to ask you is: what do you think makes a poem a poem? For me, this reads exactly as prose would read. Take out the line breaks and no one would bat an eyelash. But put in the line breaks and poets are going to say, "What? Where's the poetry?"

Poetry is different from prose. Prose is straightforward, often hooked into the logical, simple-speaking part of a person's experiences. You speak as clearly as possible so that readers can understand you as well as possible. Poetry is a little different. It hits things sideways. It tries to balance image, philosophy, emotion, and sometimes narrative. It tries to make the reader feel the way the writer wants them to feel, not just know what the writer wants them to know. Poetry uses associative language and comparisons to help a reader become familiar with an unfamiliar emotion OR to defamiliarize something a reader has felt over and over.

So you've gotta give it some deeper thought. Instead of trying to convince through a line that truth is better than lies, why not try to evoke some of the emotion you feel when you discover a lie. For example, for me, I feel like this person is miles away, maybe sending in planned-out deception from a space station or something, so far away I seem like a toy and that's why they can play with me that way. So, were I to try to write a poem, I'd focus on that distance, and I might say,

"A truck so far down the road I can see its color but not its shape.
An entourage of dust.
I hear the megaphone spread out over the dirtlands
and die in the drought-made cracks"....

So on. The truck is far down the road -- gives that sense of distance. The dust that it kicked up on the road kind of evokes a cloak, the kind of hiding that people do with lies. Then the sound of a megaphone -- the sound that tries to fill the wide space but cannot again evokes distance and openness, but when we get the death and the cracks in the fourth line, we're building up the tone of disappointment and badness that we want to communicate about lies.

Try something like this. Set down what lies make you feel, grab a word or sense from that, and do your best to evoke it with words that don't directly attack it.

Good luck, and PM me if you have any questions, okay?

Keep writing~




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Thu Feb 07, 2013 9:55 pm
zephion wrote a review...



Hey Breshae,

Zephion here, preparing to review this nifty little poem of yours. I would lime to star by saying that I like the theme of this piece, but I think that there are a few things that would make this a whole lot better. First of all, you had a typo in the second line in the word "is". You added an extra a, not a big deal, but you should probably fix it. Next, you use the word "but" a lot. You should probably change it to though or cut it entirely in order to avoid repetition.

I also wanted to talk about this line,

"But they do heal.......... eventually"

I think that the pause makes t really awkward. Personally, into make a pause there, I would make the word "eventually" it's own line or even it's own stanza, but the dots are weird for poetry.

Anyway, those are a few of my edits. Give this one a little more attention and I think that you will find yourself with a great piece. Thanks for sharing and keep writing!

Zephion





The first draft is a trip to the amusement park. The next drafts are returning there as a safety inspector.
— SunsetTree