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Army of Justice

by arianaSarroyo


Army of Justice

Our arsenal consists of completely different weapons, which, when used properly are more powerful than rifles .
 
Our first weapon is education.
Its effects are dependent upon whom it is aimed at, and how they utilize it.
 
Another weapon that is vital is love,
 
Love that is insurmountable, and that surpasse the barriers/walls created by hate.
 
Finally-courage
 
Without courage, it would impossible to ever win the fight for justice  and equal rights for all 
We'll overcome every obstacle and break free of every stronghold before us. 
 
Even when we are humiliated, belittled and degraded,  we will not resort to violence.
 
We will turn  other cheek

Meet will not succumb to fear.

We will not back down until the fight is won.


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Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:31 pm
krissigalea says...



Hey there Ariana! :) I really like this poem, well done! And, I have to agree with the person "Legibletext", that you have created your own style of poetry, that is, an essay-poem. Personally, I enjoy reading poems with rhyming words (could be in the middle or in the end of the poem), because I believe that poems is built on rhymes. I also write poems which have rhyming words, because I enjoy writing in this style more, and people will enjoy reading it too!

But your poem,.. is unique!! And I like how you managed to write it as an essay-poem. Even the sub-titles you've written, attract your poem more.

Well done!! Keep it up! :D I would really appreciate if you would check out my work as well.

-Kristina-




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Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:20 pm
krissigalea says...



Hey there Ariana! :) I really like this poem, well done! And, I have to agree with the person "Legibletext", that you have created your own style of poetry, that is, an essay-poem. Personally, I enjoy reading poems with rhyming words (could be in the middle or in the end of the poem), because I believe that poems is built on rhymes. I also write poems which have rhyming words, because I enjoy writing in this style more, and people will enjoy reading it too!

But your poem,.. is unique!! And I like how you managed to write it as an essay-poem. Even the sub-titles you've written, attract your poem more.

Well done!! Keep it up! :D I would really appreciate if you would check out my work as well.

-Kristina-




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Sat Jul 13, 2013 2:20 pm
Legibletext wrote a review...



Hey,

I like this, it seems you have designed a new type of poem; an essay-poem! And that is OK I guess, it's always good to invent new things. I like the language incorporated into this piece, it's very powerful. E.g. " insurmountable" and "surpass" very romantic sounding words haha. It's awesome how you've confronted such a realistic topic, it's original and admirable.

Good job, fellow writer :)




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Wed Apr 24, 2013 8:48 pm
ladcat13 wrote a review...



I like this, its very poetic and brave, though I think that "turn THE other cheek" and "not back down" are kind of contradicting one another. Stubborn and prideful often go together, and there is a very thin line between them. One who would turn the other cheek is not prideful but stubborn, and one who would not back down is stubborn and prideful. both are not temporary, they are personality traits. one simply cannot be stubborn but not proud one moment, then proud but not stubborn the next. not physically possible. I should know ;)




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Fri Feb 08, 2013 4:50 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there, and welcome to YWS.

As previous reviewers have stated, this is more of an essay than it is a poem. It is a very short essay that has potential for poetry, but now, it is not a poem.

As Emily Dickinson said, "Tell all the truth but tell it slant." Now, I don't think she was talking about poetry in particular, here, but that is the way you should approach this poem. Slant the truth into images and specific details that support your ideas and illustrate them. But make it more image focused. You have the truth part down, but you need to work on slanting the truth into images.

Meet will not succumb to fear.

I don't really know what you mean by "meet." I think you might have meant "meek" because that would make sense. A kind of allusion to "the meek will inherit the earth" and all that jazz.

Also, the way you construct sentences are very prose-y. Break up your sentences into stanzas, and don't be afraid of experimenting with fragments.

An interesting idea to experiment with as well is breaking your poem up into a stanza for each idea that you talk about throughout the poem and expanding on that one idea in each stanza with images, similes, and metaphors.

I like your last line, and how it's almost a call to arms. It's good and strong. Keep that tone throughout your entire poem, and you'll have a really interesting piece.

This piece has potential. Just remember to make it more poem-y and less prose-y.

I hope that you found this review helpful. Happy poeting!




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Thu Feb 07, 2013 6:40 pm
dogs wrote a review...



Hello there Ariana! Dogs here with your review. Ok first a quick issue about this poem is that it really isn't a poem. Poems consist of stanzas, and stanzas consist of lines. A line is a poetic sentence with rhythm and imagery and emotion to convey a point your trying to prove to the reader. So what this first couple of line should be formated like:

"Our arsenal consists of
completely different weapons,
When used properly
are more powerful than rifles.

Our first weapon is education.
Its effects are dependent
upon whom it's aimed at,
and how they utilize it"

Ok so now that we've established the stanzas and lines we can work on the rhtyhm, for which you really don't have any here. As I read this I keep on getting the feel that this is just an anaylitical essay rather than a poem. This is just facts and using reasoning to make a point, which is typically the oppisite of poetry. Using abstractions, imagery, and emotion to create a picture and prove an underline topic or point, perhaps using facts to help support your writing. But poetry is more dependant on the imagery of your writing. I don't see anything when I read this piece, you need to paint a picture. I want to see the classrooms and their shimmering desks, I want to see the guns and their battle fields of mangled bodies and abondoned arms. Describe what love looks like and how it helps fight against the guns.

These are things you need to create, without any imagery your poem is lost because it leaves the reader blind to what your trying to create. All and all it's a great idea but just lacking a few simple things. With some polishing and editing this'll be looking great. Let me know if you ever need a review. keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




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Thu Feb 07, 2013 11:50 am
noninjaes wrote a review...



Hallo. Noninjaspresent here to review for you today, and also, welcome to YWS.

Now, I always hate writing negative / harsh reviews and I always try to add some sort of positive spin to them, but part of reviewing is being honest. And unfortunately, my honest opinion about this poem is that it needs a lot of work.

I must say, you do have the foundations for a much better, wonderful poem, but what you've started out with is rather grey and bare. Of course, all great poets were once at this stage, and the reason why many people (hopefully including you) come to YWS is to help improve their writing and turn it into something amazing. And I can assure you, YWS has a pretty high success rate when it comes to turning glum into gold.

As the previous reviewer said, this really does feel more like an essay outline that a poem. The wording is very direct and not very thought-provoking. When reading poetry (the more you read it, the better you get at writing it), you might notice that a lot of great poems have tricky wordings. This is to encourage the reader to really thing about what is being said in the poem. (One of my favourite things about writing reviews is sharing this poetry writing knowledge, not just telling you what works and what doesn't.)

Of course, not all poems need metaphors, similes, and other creative imagery techniques, but they really help build a poem. Rhyme and other formatting isn't as important though I do recommend reading up on some of the different types of poems, as well as maybe trying a couple different styles. Challenge yourself - you just might end up falling in love with something new. I recommend writing a limerick for a bit of light, fun rhyming practice, or a sonnet for trying out the use of different structures and meter. And maybe if you're feeling extra game, try writing a villanelle.

I also recommend trying more interesting and creative work orderings. Try something like changing "Our first weapon is education." with "We fight with our education." and replacing "Another weapon that is vital is love," with "And we defend with our love."

Your punctuation needs a little bit of tweaking, but in poetry there are a few different ways of using grammar that can be explored when you feel confident enough to. Basic editing of removing typos (including extra spaces) and fixing up grammar that doesn't fit is always an important part of writing and shouldn't be left to us reviewers. Some reviewers would spend many words nitpicking at every little grammatical mistake, but I find that cheap and unhelpful.

Anyways, I hope all that I've said in this review helps. And please, don't take this all too harshly and give up. Everybody starts at the bottom, but that's where YWS comes in. If you stick around long enough, in even a years time, you'd look back at this and be amazed at how much you've improved. So as always, keep writing!
- noninjaspresent >(> ==)>*




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Thu Feb 07, 2013 4:21 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi Ariana and welcome to YWS!

I'll be honest with you, this feels more like the outline of an essay than a poem. Poems don't have to rhyme, but they do need to have imagery, metaphors, and language to distinguish it from prose. You have an image here with the weapons of justice, but not much is really done with it.

Our first weapon is education.
Its effects are dependent upon whom it is aimed at, and how they utilize it.


I have little trouble seeing this in an essay about justice. To make it more poetic, think about how you can compare education to a weapon. Do you have a cannon of books to shoot toward children in poor countries? Are you bombing TVs with PSA's about your cause? These are examples: I think you can play around with this and the other two.

I think the other problem with this poem is that it is too general. Justice is an abstract, and it can cover so many different things. Think if it this way: If you had $100 that you had to give to charity, would you give one dollar to a hundred charities, or would you give more to one or two charities? The latter will have more impact, and likewise focusing this piece will have more impact on the reader. Think about one cause, and how the three weapons can impact that cause.

Overall, there's a good framework here, but you need more imagery and focus to make it an excellent poem. Welcome again and keep writing! :)





Lice on rats on a horse corpse on fire.
— John Oliver