Published February 7, 2013
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137,428 Literary Works • 672,015 Reviews
Hi there, Flower child (I love your avvie, by the way).
I feel like this is rather prose-y. I understand that for whatever reason, you weren't able to break it up into lines, but even disregarding that fact, it reads like prose. If you took away the weird capitalization, it would be prose. Try experimenting with fragments of images more.
The best part for me was
It's a really strong image. This is a good start. Infuse the rest of your piece with strong images like this.
I think you have the guy talk too much. With all the talking, it makes him seem like a very static character, and I'm sure you didn't want to portray him like that.
The ending just strikes me as wrong. This character wouldn't say that, I feel. I think that the last two things he says only exist to reveal what's going on. If you use more images earlier in the poem, you won't be forced into this unsavory last minute reveal.
I'm not saying you should say what's happening exactly, but you should suggest things with the verbs and adjectives that you use.
Work on making your character more three dimensional, and revealing the situation earlier. I hope that this review was helpful. Happy poeting!
Flower child! Dogs here with your review. It's been a while man
. Ok, to start I am extremely confused as to why you didn't space this like a normal poem... I know you certainly know better than this considering how amazing you are at writing. I'm assuming from your recent comment that this should have been spaced but for some reason isn't. And I cannot fathom why unless you're magically using these longer lines somehow for your poetry. But I'm going to go ahead and say that you really need to space this out properly. So I'll ignore that factor for now and focus on reviewing your poem.
First and formost... WWOOOOOOOOO!!!! Definitely need to put a sixteen and up here on this post. I usually do not like these poems at all just because it is so uncomfortable to read. Of course that's probably you're intent. If you are going to do this poem you'll have to add more imagery into it. Not necessarily describing what happens because I certainly don't want to know any more about that then what you say... but more around the imagery of the place that they're in. What the walls look like, I'm envisioning this is in like a dirty railroad station or an ally way but that's something you really need to set up more. You could make a strong statement if you put this setting right by an "anti rape" campaign add in an alley way or something.
"Her pale limbs remained unmoving"
Ok, I feel like you can certainly do so much more with this line instead of just "pale" I want to see her frail limbs and how she's broken and destroyed and mauled and violated all around. I need to see that more if you want to really describe the vileness of rape in this situation.
And it seems like a weak ending but I think thats just because the lead up is a little on the low side. And the no spacing is not helping you out at all. This is a good piece but definitely in need of lots more work. Let me know if you need another review! Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Ahhhhh. I was so confused by the idea of "you're getting cold", but it got to me at the end.
I am wondering if you need to be so obvious with the reveal of the situation, though. I don't feel like this person would say "I'm sorry I killed you./ I just needed to get off." I feel like they'd finish and get out of there. If, however, you envision someone who talks to his victims, I think he'd say something more genuine than those two lines. As they are, they seem to exist only for you to explain what's going on in the poem, and that makes me feel like he suddenly becomes flat instead of a real person.
Now, the strongest part of this poem for me is "the beads/ Of dirty water/ Pouring". It's a very strong image, evokes the action that is taking place, and manages to sneak in a dirty, dark undertone to color the reveal that comes later. It's not clean sweat, that any nice couple might produce, but it's dirty water. It's dirty coming from him. That's a good set of lines.
But! The rest is kind of false and not as thoughtful. I don't like the direct address, as again with the last few lines, the other parts where he says "you" seem put in just to explain the situation, not what he'd actually say to one of his victims. I like the idea that he'd ask them questions, though, "Are you enjoying this?" That's a nice touch, and if you're going to pursue him speaking, I'd work from that point of personality.
Also, the description in this poem is kind of explain-y. "A soft laugh bounces off the walls" is kind of sterile, just saying what is happening, describing everything in the room instead of artfully building movement or image. You might say instead, "Soft laughs cling to the walls". This gives the sound, still, the image of the walls, but the "clings" does that thing you did earlier, where it uses a dark word to give a dark tone. If a victim is clinging, she's scared, and even though we're talking about the laughs, here, it applies to other things in the room.
I hope this will be helpful to you going forward. PM me if you have any questions, please!
Good luck and keep writing!
Where the capital letters are is where the next line begins.