Obligatus

by Simbatheking

I'll hold my breath.

Cross my fingers,

And hope for the best.

Cause I know,

That the twinkle

In your eyes,

It's not because of your smile.

It's just the reflection of the light.

You don't understand,

You think you need to be fixed.

But no one realises,

That the pieces that don't fit,

Are the ones that create the puzzle.

It's a never ending cycle,

Where no one even knows

Which side they're fighting.

You think the darkness holds you back,

But light blinds you just as much.

An oxymoron,

Your life is.

No one has said anything,

And now the silence has deafened you.

You can't see anymore,

The light had blinded you for too long.

Why has it got to be like this.

Why do you need to fight the darkness.

Let me enclose you,

I'll tie you up,

Give you the pain you desire,

Beneath your pristine, clean attire.

Your body trembles,

but the night's just begun.

Why do you fear the pain?

It'll teach you what pleasure never did.

You'll reach your highest,

Without stretching your wings.

You can't anyway, they're bound to your skin.

Comments

Points: 771
Reviews: 180

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Thu Feb 07, 2013 4:18 am

Cspr wrote a review...

Okay. Much love. This poem captures something that I've come into rather recently. That is, almost everyone around me seems so perfect that it's like they're angels and I'm some castoff demon. Untrue, but you don't see them for their faults, but in the ways they're superior to you. If you're me, anyway. Or like me.

Basically, it felt like you put a camera in my mind and took a snapshot of a sliver of my psyche. I adore that.

I'm also somewhat jealous because the only thing that really caught me up was one thing, the rest was quite smooth to my mind's ear.

Here's one thing I noticed that is somewhat problematic:

"That the pieces that don't fit,
Are the ones that create the puzzle."

I get the idea, but the juxtaposition of pieces that don't fit with a puzzle. Pieces not fitting into a puzzle you're working on? Frustration. Aggravation. Annoyance. Maybe you wanted to invoke that? But it makes it seem like that puzzle, the puzzle that seems to be something wanted, stands for perfection, being angelic, put together, which seems apart from the rest of this piece's meaning. If that makes sense?

Points: 25864
Reviews: 1334

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Thu Feb 07, 2013 2:36 am

Hannah wrote a review...

Woah! This poem is all over the place. It moves from one train of thought to another, not notifying us of the switch, but getting there anyway. At the beginning it seems like a tender, "I know you have a hard time in your life right now, and you're slipping away, but you don't have to", and at the end it's like, "Because I will hurt you to bring you to the part you want to be at." Alright!

Here are the high points, in my opinion:

No one has said anything,
And now the silence has deafened you.

I like this because of the sense of space it creates by evoking the idea of silence in a large room, no one speaking, and the way that not hearing kind of opens your sense of the space, as your hearing intensifies to catch anything, anything small at all.

You'll reach your highest,
Without stretching your wings.
You can't anyway, they're bound to your skin.

This has a strong image, too, and it also works the image in with the philosophy you're trying to communicate. It obviously needs punctuation work (I always say to take the line breaks out, punctuate as prose, then put the line breaks back in to be correct), but it communicates well.

That said, most of the rest is rather weak. You have few images, which you need. They serve as anchors for the readers to work through while they digest your narrative and philosophy. We need more to be able to work through all of this.

You also repeat blindness too close together. I don't think it needs to be repeated at all. The idea is strong on its own. It could use a better delivery, though. Blinded by the light is very common. Your deafness stems from something we wouldn't think would make deaf, so I feel like you can be more creative with the source of the blindness, too.

And here's something that just confuses me:

That the pieces that don't fit,
Are the ones that create the puzzle.

I know it sounds cool, like it should me motivational, but in the end it just doesn't make sense. Unless you are referring to pieces that don't fit YET, because later they will help create the puzzle that is now unfinished. If so, you might slip in that important "yet" to help get this meaning across. If not, you need to rethink what you mean by this (beyond just sounding cool) so that we don't get ripped out of your poem by a lapse in logic.

Also, rhyme is cool and all, but "attire" seems out of place at the end of that stanza. It doesn't evoke the same as "clothing" or "face" or "presentation". It's like... work uniform? Or a fancy tuxedo?

All in all, think about this carefully, organize your thoughts, and give your all to an imagery-celebrating rewrite.

PM me if you have any questions, please.

Good luck, and keep writing!

Points: 240
Reviews: 896

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Wed Feb 06, 2013 1:37 pm

PenguinAttack wrote a review...

Hi Simbatheking!

Welcome to the YWS, I hope you enjoy your time here. Don't forget to try reviewing other member's work, doing so will likely afford you more reviews in return. And so, to the review!

I'll hold my breath.
Cross my fingers,
And hope for the best.

Not terribly interesting but straight forward and not mucking about much. I can deal with that! A tip, you don’t have to capitalise every line if you don’t want to. Sometimes Word programs do it on purpose, but often not capitalising except for where it would usually happen in prose helps your reader understand how to read your poem.

Cause I know,
That the twinkle
In your eyes,
It's not because of your smile.
It just the reflection of the light.

Okay, I’d move “in your eyes” up against line two, so it will flow a bit better. Consider using a semi colon after “smile” and I think you mean “it’s” This, again is pretty basic but I’m okay with the movement we've got going on here.

You don't understand,
You think you need to fixed.
But no one realises,
That the pieces that don't fit,
Are the ones that create the puzzle.
It's a never ending cycle,
Where no one even knows
Which side they're fighting.

You have some solid lines here, by which I mean the last two lines, which are very solid. I really like them, in fact. I wouldn't change them. In the second line do you mean “to be fixed” or “to fix”? I have an issue with the puzzle thing because the pieces that don’t fit literally don’t make the puzzle, so I’m finding that idea very odd and hard to contend with. I’d really suggest taking out “but no one” through to “It’s a never” because I like the simplicity you had going before. If you added a bit of description in the way of an appropriate image it would work. I like the idea of a mirror for the last lines, because you’re forever on one side or the other.

You think the darkness holds you back,
But light blinds you just as much.

This is pretty boring but also solid. Nothing really to be said about the lines except that they’re serviceable.

An oxymoron,
Your life is.
No one has said anything,
And now the silence has deafened you.

Are you sounding like Yoda on purpose in those first two lines? So far your poem hasn’t been humorous, so I’d probably change that so it’s the right way around “your life is an oxymoron.” I’d also move that last line into present tense with the rest of your poem “and now the silence deafens you.”

You can't see anymore,
The light had blinded you for too long.

I’d just lose this. You’ve lost the purpose and the focus of this poem here. It makes sense but you’re moving further away from your initial concept without making much thought about it.

Why has it got to be like this.
Why do you need to fight the darkness.
Let me enclose you,
I'll tie you up,
Give you the pain you desire,
Beneath your pristine, clean attire.

Super random pain thing going on here! I didn't see it coming and frankly still can’t work out why you’d want it here. This is an example of where your poem loses focus. We’re introduced into a more active narrator and it’s very odd.

Your body trembles,
but the night's just begun.

Why do you fear the pain?
It'll teach you what pleasure never did.

You'll reach your highest,
Without stretching your wings.
You can't anyway, they're bound to your skin.

Okay, I don’t understand your last line at all. I like it a lot but I don’t know what you’re trying to get at. That the You cannot get away because the wings are connected o them? It seems very troublesome and it also just… doesn't make sense. The rest of this is also just… weird.

I think you lost the focus of the poem and then continued longer than necessary to fill in all those gaps. If this is a poem about sado masochism then I think you need to either introduce it more in the beginning of the poem or just limit the amount of pain references to subtle references, let us get the feeling for it without having to have it thrown in our faces.

This isn't a bad poem, I just think you need to work out what you’re trying to say and why, and then things can happen. Hit me up with any questions, queries or just to chat.

~ Pen

Simbatheking says...

It's been edited. Something went wrong went I uploaded it, and a lot of words just disappeared. Hence, the 'fixed' line and so and so forth. But never mind, they've been fixed. Thankyou for your comments!

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