Young Writers Society

Hey AwesomeSauce,

This is Zephion, here to review this great piece of yours. First of all, I like the idea, it's a lot like Toy Story, but that's okay, writing can spur off of other ideas.There were a few grammatical mistakes, for example, this one.

"She would take me everywhere, her friend’s house to the city, that’s there she would take me."

Okay, I would recommend a few things. First, you must decide what you meant with this line. If it was supposed to be a list of places she took the doll (which I think would be best) then you need a comma between house and to. If you wanted the friends house to be in the city then you should change to to in. Also, you wrote there when I think you meant where. You should probably fix that, it would make more sense.

Another comment, is why does this doll always cry? I would think that it would have a different reaction besides crying. Perhaps on the shelf she does not cry, but just feels sad. The crying just feels a bit repetitive, but that's just my personal opinion.

Anyway, that's all I have to say. Great job on this and I can't wait to read more from you. Keep writing and thanks for sharing!

Hey, I'm Nike, here to review.

> First off, I'd like to say your story is great. I loved the plot, the idea. It was touching.

Here's the editing.

"When my life started, it was pleasant. I was sitting in the window, smiling at the girl who pointed at me. Her smile lifted my day, as she bounced, her cherry blond hair moving with the movements."

Saying 'moving with the movements' is just like repeating yourself. Fix that. Try, 'Her smile lifted my day as her cherry blonde hair moved as she bounced.' or something like that.


"Her father laughed, walking in the door. He walks up to the shopkeeper, saying that he would like that doll in the window, saying that he wants me."

I'm very confused. You are using two tenses here. try to stick to one. 'Laughed' is past tense. 'walking' is present.

"I felt a tear shed in my eye, but how is that possible? I’m a doll; I shouldn’t be shedding tears of joy. Yet, as the girl hugs me close to her, I couldn’t help but cry in joy. This girl was taking me home."

"Once I was in her house, I was introduced to several of dolls."

Delete the word 'of'. It's not needed.

"Some were glass dolls, others were cheap Barbie,"

Barbie should be 'Barbie's'

"but that didn’t matter. This girl played with me the most oddly, even when she bought new dolls home, she would always play with me."

I do not like the way you put the sentence, 'This girl played with me the most oddly,' It makes no sense and even confuses me. I think you meant to put 'The odd thing was that the girl played with me, even when she brought new dolls home.'

"She would take me everywhere, her friend’s house"

Comma placement after 'house'.

" to the city, that’s there she would take me. I don’t understand why she takes me to the places, but she did. I would still smile even when she was crying, but I couldn’t help that, that’s the way I was made. However, she’ll always say that I’m her best friend, and she’ll never change that."

Same thing with the tenses. Stick to one.

"When days went on, so did the years. My clothes are becoming dusty and mattered since I arrived in this box. My owner put me up here because apparently she has grown out of dolls and she likes different things. Sometimes I hear her cry at night because of the things that she likes is wrong. As the time went by, so did my friends. One by one, they all went to a better place, all but me. I’m always crying, tears of loneliness and sadness falling down my cheeks. I didn’t want to be up here all alone.

One day, however, I found myself in a different place with my owner and this man. I hear them say that they’re happy to spend the rest of their lives together. As the days grew, I tend to listen to their talks. A girl comes into my hearing one year, so does the light into my eyes. I haven’t seen the light in such a long time. Her hand reaches to come get me, as I’m lifted and into her view. Her face wore a grin, a happy grin that wanted me. She ran up to my owner, asking her if she can have me. I hear her say yes, but be careful with me. The girl cheers, taking me into her room.

I’m finally loved once more."

The rest is good. The only problem you have is with your tenses. You switch way too many times. If you re-read your story, you will catch all the mistakes.


I loved your story. You should write more. I want to read more from you!
Keep Writing! PM me if you write any more or if you want me to review something.

Nike

Hallloooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Guineapiggirl here to review
Firstly, I like the plot; a favourite toy who is forgotten as its owner grows older, than loved again. It's been done many times, but it's still really sweet. So that was good. However, I think you could really have expanded it a bit more. This is a very short story and you don't really spend much time getting us interested in the characters and stuff.
Like beckiw said, you don't use commas as much as you should, and when you do it's not always right. Have a read through this link: http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/commas.asp
that should help.
Another thing that wasn't good was the way you switched between tenses. You start off using past tense, which is good, but then you switch to present tense, and then you switch back.
This whole section demonstrates that swapping between tenses:
When days went on, so did the years. My clothes are becoming dusty and mattered since I arrived in this box. My owner put me up here because apparently she has grown out of dolls and she likes different things. Sometimes I hear her cry at night because of the things that she likes is wrong. As the time went by, so did my friends. One by one, they all went to a better place, all but me. I’m always crying, tears of loneliness and sadness falling down my cheeks. I didn’t want to be up here all alone.

It's just confusing.
So, in conclusion, fix the tenses and add more to this, make it more interesting and a little different from the average abandoned toy story, and then you'll have a nice little piece.
I hope I've helped!

Heeeeeey Awesomesauce!

Let's get down to this review then.

So this reaaaaally reminded me of that moment in Toy Story 2 where Jessy the cowgirl does her little song about how her owner kind of discarded her as she grew up and it's really powerful and emotional and you just run to your bedroom and cuddle all your toys ever. I like the concept of this but I think maybe it needs a little more of an original kick, I'm just not sure how you would achieve that. Probably through some sort of detail that sets it apart from just being able to go 'Oh that's just like Toy Story'

One thing I think might be nice is if you describe a particular thing that the girl did with the toy to make him feel loved and then when the daughter gets the toy in the end, they can do the same thing. So you kind of emphasise this passing on of a toy and the kind of circular notion of toys and their owners and of life. Just a little more emphasis on that would be cool with a few more little details littered in there. I also think you might want to spend a little more time on the emotions of the doll. They're nearly there but not quite described or pushed enough for me to be like 'Oh god! Where is my teddy??'

I also noticed a couple of mistakes so I'll point those out to you -

Uno - 'This girl played with me the most oddly' - I was like, what? The most oddly? How do you play with a toy oddly? What exactly what she was doing? Then I realised you meant 'This girl played with me the most, oddly' The things commas can do to your sentence!

Dos - 'She would take me everywhere, her friend%u2019s house to the city, that%u2019s there she would take me.' - Did you mean 'that's where she would take me' ?

Tres - 'My clothes are becoming dusty and mattered' - Think you mean matted.

Anywho! This was a cute story and if I was home, I'd probably cuddle my favourite soft toy a little closer. I ain't never giving him up!

If you have any questions then you know where to find me

Bex x